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Mr.  DOOLEY: 
In  Peace  and  in  War 


Mr.  DOOLEY 
In  Peace  and  in  War 


Boston 

Small,  Maynard  &  Company 
1899 


Copyright,  1898,  by  the  Chicago  Journal 
Copyright,  1898,  by  Small,  Maynard  &  Company 


First  Edition  (10,000  copies}  November,  1898 
Second  Edition  (10,000  copies')  December,  f8p8 
Third  Edition  (10,000  copies)  January,  i8pp 


Press  of  George  H.  Ellis,  Boston,  U.S.J. 


TO  W.  H.  TURNER 


PREFACE. 

ARCHEY  ROAD  stretches  back  for  many 
miles  from  the  heart  of  an  ugly  city  to  the 
cabbage  gardens  that  gave  the  maker  of  the 
seal  his  opportunity  to  call  the  city  "urbs  in 
horto."  Somewhere  between  the  two  — 
that  is  to  say,  forninst  th'  gas-house  and 
bey  ant  Healey's  slough  and  not  far  from 
the  polis  station  —  lives  Martin  Dooley, 
doctor  of  philosophy. 

There  was  a  time  when  Archey  Road  was 
purely  Irish.  But  the  Huns,  turned  back 
from  the  Adriatic  and  the  stock-yards  and 
overrunning  Archey  Road,  have  nearly  ex- 
hausted the  original  population, —  not  driven 
them  out  as  they  drove  out  less  vigorous 
races,  with  thick  clubs  and  short  spears,  but 
edged  them  out  with  the  more  biting  weapons 


viii  PREFACE 

of  modern  civilization, —  overworked  and 
under-eaten  them  into  more  languid  sur- 
roundings remote  from  the  tanks  of  the  gas- 
house  and  the  blast  furnaces  of  the  rolling- 
mill. 

But  Mr.  Dooley  remains,  and  enough  re- 
main with  him  to  save  the  Archey  Road. 
In  this  community  you  can  hear  all  the  vari- 
ous accents  of  Ireland,  from  the  awkward 
brogue  of  the  "  far-downer  "  to  the  mild  and 
aisy  Elizabethan  English  of  the  southern 
Irishman,  and  all  the  exquisite  variations  to 
.be  heard  between  Armagh  and  Bantry  Bay, 
with  the  difference  that  would  naturally  arise 
from  substituting  cinders  and  sulphuretted 
hydrogen  for  soft  misty  air  and  peat  smoke. 
Here  also  you  can  see  the  wakes  and  christ- 
enings, the  marriages  and  funerals,  and  the 
other  fetes  of  the  oY  counthry  somewhat 


PREFACE  ix 

modified  and  darkened  by  American  usage. 
The  Banshee  has  been  heard  many  times  in 
Archey  Road.  On  the  eve  of  All  Saints' 
Day  it  is  well  known  that  here  alone  the 
pookies  play  thricks  in  cabbage  gardens.  In 
1893  it  was  reported  that  Malachi  Dempsey 
was  called  "  by  the  other  people,"  and  disap- 
peared west  of  the  tracks,  and  never  came 
back. 

A  simple  people!  "Simple,  says  ye!" 
remarked  Mr.  Dooley.  "Simple  like  th'  air 
or  th'  deep  sea.  Not  complicated  like  a 
watch  that  stops  whin  th'  shoot  iv  clothes 
ye  got  it  with  wears  out.  Whin  Father 
Butler  wr-rote  a  book  he  niver  finished,  he 
said  simplicity  was  not  wearin'  all  ye  had  on 
ye'er  shirt-front,  like  a  tin-horn  gambler  with 
his  di'mon'  stud.  An'  'tis  so." 

The  barbarians  around  them  are  moder- 


x  PREFACE 

ately  but  firmly  governed,  encouraged  to 
passionate  votings  for  the  ruling  race,  but 
restrained  from  the  immoral  pursuit  of  office. 

The  most  generous,  thoughtful,  honest, 
and  chaste  people  in  the  world  are  these 
friends  of  Mr.  Dooley, —  knowing  and  inno- 
cent ;  moral,  but  giving  no  heed  at  all  to 
patented  political  moralities. 

Among  them  lives  and  prospers  the  trav- 
eller, archaeologist,  historian,  social  observer, 
saloon-keeper,  economist,  and  philosopher, 
who  has  not  been  out  of  the  ward  for 
twenty-five  years  "but  twict."  He  reads 
the  newspapers  with  solemn  care,  heartily 
hates  them,  and  accepts  all  they  print  for 
the  sake  of  drowning  Hennessy's  rising  pro- 
tests against  his  logic.  From  the  cool 
heights  of  life  in  the  Archey  Road,  uninter- 
rupted by  the  jarring  noises  of  crickets  and 


PREFACE  xi 

cows,  he  observes  the  passing  show,  and 
meditates  thereon.  His  impressions  are 
transferred  to  the  desensitized  plate  of  Mr. 
Hennessy's  mind,  where  they  can  do  no 
harm. 

"There's  no  betther  place  to  see  what's 
goin'  on  thin  the  Ar-rchey  Road,"  says  Mr. 
Dooley.  "Whin  th'  ilicthric  cars  is  hum- 
min'  down  th'  sthreet  an*  th'  blast  goin' 
sthrong  at  th'  mills,  th'  noise  is  that  gr-reat 
ye  can't  think." 

He  is  opulent  in  good  advice,  as  becomes 
a  man  of  his  station ;  for  he  has  mastered 
most  of  the  obstacles  in  a  business  career, 
and  by  leading  a  prudent  and  temperate  life 
has  established  himself  so  well  that  he  owns 
his  own  house  and  furniture,  and  is  only 
slightly  behind  on  his  license.  It  would  be 
indelicate  to  give  statistics  as  to  his  age. 


xii  PREFACE 

Mr.  Hennessy  says  he  was  a  "grown  man 
whin  th'  pikes  was  out  in  forty-eight,  an*  1 
was  hedge-high,  an*  I'm  near  fifty-five/3 
Mr.  Dooley  says  Mr.  Hennessy  is  eighty. 
He  closes  discussion  on  his  own  age  with 
the  remark,  "  I'm  old  enough  to  know  bet- 
ther."  He  has  served  his  country  with 
distinction.  His  conduct  of  the  important 
office  of  captain  of  his  precinct  (1873-75) 
was  highly  commended,  and  there  was  some 
talk  of  nominating  him  for  alderman.  At 
the  expiration  of  his  term  he  was  personally 
thanked  by  the  Hon.  M.  McGee,  at  one 
time  a  member  of  the  central  committee, 
But  the  activity  of  public  life  was  unsuited 
to  a  man  of  Mr.  Dooley's  tastes  ;  and,  while 
he  continues  to  view  the  political  situation 
always  with  interest  and  sometimes  with 
alarm,  he  has  resolutely  declined  to  leave 


PREFACE  xiii 

the  bar  for  the  forum.  His  early  experi- 
ence gave  him  wisdom  in  discussing  public 
affairs.  "  Politics,"  he  says,  "  ain't  bean 
bag.  'Tis  a  man's  game ;  an'  women,  chil- 
dher,  an'  pro-hybitionists'd  do  well  to  keep 
out  iv  it."  Again  he  remarks,  "  As  Shake- 
speare says,  c  OF  men  f 'r  th'  council,  young 
men  f 'r  th'  ward.' " 

An  attempt  has  been  made  in  this  book 
to  give  permanent  form  to  a  few  of  the 
more  characteristic  and  important  of  Mr. 
Dooley's  utterances.  For  permission  to 
reprint  the  articles  the  thanks  of  the  editor 
are  due  to  Mr.  George  G.  Booth,  of  the 
Chicago  Journal^  and  to  Mr.  Dooley's  con- 
stant friend,  Mr.  H.  H.  Kohlsaat,  of  the 
Chicago  Evening  Post. 

F.  P.  D. 


CONTENTS. 

MR.  DOOLEY  IN  WAR 

ON  DIPLOMACY i 

ON  WAR  PREPARATIONS    ....  6 

ON  FiTz-HucH   LEE 10 

ON   MULES  AND  OTHERS  ....  14 

ON  HIS  COUSIN  GEORGE    ....  20 

ON  SOME  ARMY  APPOINTMENTS      .  25 

ON  STRATEGY       .     .     .     .     ...  30 

ON  GENERAL    MILES'S    MOONLIGHT 

EXCURSION    .     .^  .....  34 

ON  ADMIRAL  DEWEY'S  ACTIVITY    .  39 

ON  THE  PHILIPPINES 43 

ON  PRAYERS  FOR  VICTORY     ...  48 

ON  THE  ANGLO-SAXON       ....  53 

ON  A  LETTER  FROM  THE  FRONT    .  58 

ON  OUR  CUBAN  ALLIES     ....  63 


xvi  CONTENTS 

PAGE 

ON  THE  DESTRUCTION  OF  CERVERA'S 

FLEET  .     .     .     .     .     ,     .     .     .  68 

ON  A  LETTER  TO   MR.  DEPEW  .     .  73 

ON  THE  PRESIDENT'S  CAT      ...  77 
ON    A    SPEECH    BY  PRESIDENT   Mc- 

KINLEY     .     .     .     .     .     .     »     .  8 i 

ON  THE  HERO  IN  POLITICS  .     .     .  87 


MR.  DOOLEY  IN  PEACE 

ON  NEW  YEAR'S  RESOLUTIONS   .     .  95 

ON  GOLD-SEEKING     ......  100 

ON  BOOKS.     .     .     .     .     .     .    >     .  105 

ON  REFORM  CANDIDATES  .     .     .     .  1 1 1 

ON  PATERNAL  DUTY     ,     .     .     .     .  118 

ON  CRIMINALS 124 

ON  A  PLOT      ........  130 

ON  THE  NEW  WOMAN       ....  136 

ON  EXPERT  TESTIMONY     ....  141 


CONTENTS  xvii 


PAGE 


ON  THE  POPULARITY  OF  FIREMEN  .  146 

ON  THE  GAME  OF  FOOTBALL       .     .  152 
ON    THE    NECESSITY    OF     MODESTY 

AMONG    THE    RlCH Ij8 

ON  THE  POWER  OF  LOVE       .    v     .  165 

ON  THE  VICTORIAN  ERA  .     .     .     .  170 

ON  THE  CURRENCY  QUESTION     .     .  175 

ON  POLITICAL  PARADES     .     .     .     .  181 

ON  CHARITY   .     . 187 

ON  NANSEN     .     .     .     .     . '.  .     .     .  192 

ON  A  POPULIST  CONVENTION      .     .  197 

ON  A  FAMILY  REUNION     .     »     .     .  202 

ON  A  FAMOUS  WEDDING  ....  208 
ON  A  QUARREL  BETWEEN    ENGLAND 

AND   GERMANY 213 

ON  ORATORY  IN  POLITICS     .     .     .  218 

ON  CHRISTMAS  GIFTS 223 

ON  ANARCHISTS 229 

ON  THE  DREYFUS  CASE     ....  234 


xviii  CONTENTS 

PAGE 

ON  THE  DECADENCE  OF  GREECE      .  239 

ON  THE  INDIAN  WAR 245 

ON  GOLF .  249 

ON  THE  FRENCH  CHARACTER   .  .  255 


MR.  DOOLEY  IN  WAR 


ON    DIPLOMACY. 

<C!'LL  explain  it  to  ye,"  said  Mr.  Dooley. 
"  'Tis  this  way.  Ye  see,  this  here  Sagasta 
is  a  boonco  steerer  like  Canada  Bill,  an'  th' 
likes  iv  him.  A  smart  man  is  this  Sagasta, 
an*  wan  that  can  put  a  crimp  in  th'  ca-ards 
that  ye  cudden't  take  out  with  a  washer- 
woman's wringer.  He's  been  through 
manny  a  ha-ard  game.  Talk  about  th' 
County  Dimocracy  picnic,  where  a  three- 
ca-ard  man  goes  in  debt  ivry  time  he  hurls 
th'  broads,  'tis  nawthin'  to  what  this  here 
Spanish  onion  has  been  again  an'  beat.  F'r 
years  an'  years  he's  played  on'y  profissionals. 
Th'  la-ads  he's  tackled  have  more  marked 
ca-ards  in  their  pockets  thin  a  preacher  fr'm 
Mitchigan  an'  more  bad  money  thin  ye  cud 
shake  out  iv  th'  coat-tail  pockets  iv  a  prosp'- 
rous  banker  fr'm  Injianny.  He's  been  up 
again  Gladstun  an'  Bisma-arck  an'  ol'  what- 
ye-call-'im,  th'  Eyetalian, —  his  name's  got 
away  from  me, —  an'  he's  done  thim  all. 

cc  Well,  business  is  bad.    No  wan  will  play 


2  MR.  DOOLEY 

with  him.  No  money's  comin'  in.  Th' 
circus  has  moved  on  to  th'  nex*  town,  an*  left 
him  without  a  customer.  Th'  Jew  man  that 
loaned  him  th'  bank-roll  threatens  to  seize 
th'  ca-ards  on'  th'  table.  Whin,  lo  an' 
behold,  down  th'  sthreet  comes  a  ma-an  fr'm 
th'  counthry, —  a  lawyer  fr'm  Ohio,  with  a 
gripsack  in  his  hand.  Oh,  but  he's  a  proud 
man.  He's  been  in  town  long  enough  f'r 
to  get  out  iv  th'  way  iv  th'  throlley  ca-ar 
whin  th'  bell  rings.  He's  larned  not  to  thry 
an'  light  his  see-gaar  at  th'  ilicthric  light. 
He  doesn't  offer  to  pay  th'  ilivator  ma-an 
Pr  carryin'  him  upstairs.  He's  got  so  he 
can  pass  a  tall  buildin'  without  thryin'  Pr 
to  turn  a  back  summersault.  An'  he's  as 
haughty  about  it  as  a  new  man  on  an  ice- 
wagon.  They'se  nawthin'  ye  can  tell  him. 
He  thinks  iv  himsilf  goin'  back  to  Canton 
with  a  r-red  necktie  on,  an'  settin'  on  a 
cracker  box  an'  tellin'  th'  lads  whin  they 
come  in  fr'm  pitchin'  hor-rseshoes  what  a 
hot  time  he's  had,  an'  how  he's  seen  th' 
hootchy-kootchy  an'  th'  Pammer  House  bar- 


ON  DIPLOMACY  3 

her  shop,  an'  th'  other  ondacint  sights  iv  a 
gr-reat  city. 

"  An'  so  he  comes  up  to  where  Sagasta  is 
kind  iv  throwin'  th'  ca-ards  idly  on  th'  top 
iv  th'  bar'l,  an'  Sagasta  pipes  him  out  iv  th' 
corner  iv  his  eye,  an'  says  to  himsilf :  c  Oh,  I 
dinnaw,'  an'  thanks  hiven  f 'r  th'  law  that  has 
a  sucker  bor-rn  ivry  minyit.  An'  th'  la-ad 
fr'm  Canton  thinks  he  can  pick  out  th'  Jack, 
an'  sometimes  he  can  an'  sometimes  he  can't ; 
but  th'  end  iv  it  is  th'  Spanyard  has  him 
thrimmed  down  to  his  chest  protector,  an' 
he'll  be  goin'  back  to  Canton  in  a  blanket. 
Ye  see  it  ain't  his  game.  If  it  was  pitchin' 
hor-rse shoes,  'twud  be  diff'rent.  He  cud  bate 
Sagasta  at  that.  He  cud  do  him  at  rasslin' 
or  chasin'  th'  greased  pig,  or  in  a  wan-legged 
race  or  th9  tug-iv-war.  He  cud  make  him 
look  foolish  at  liftin'  a  kag  iv  beer  or  hitchin' 
up  a  team.  But,  whin  it  comes  to  di-plo- 
macy,  th'  Spanyard  has  him  again  th'  rail, 
an'  counts  on  him  till  his  ar-rm  is  sore." 

"Why  don't  he  tur-rn  in  an'  fight?" 
demanded  the  patriotic  Mr.  Hennessy. 


4  MR.  DOOLEY 

"  Lord  knows,"  said  Mr.  Dooley. 
"  Mebbe  'twill  tur-rn  out  th'  way  it  did 
with  two  frinds  iv  mine.  They  was  Joe 
Larkin  an'  a  little  r-red-headed  man  be  th' 
name  iv  O'Brien,  an'  they  wint  out  to  th' 
picanic  at  Ogden's  grove,  where  wanst  a  year 
Ireland's  freed.  They  was  a  shell  ma-an 
wurrukin'  near  th'  fence,  an'  Larkin  says, 
says  he :  c  He's  aisy.  Lave  me  have  some 
money,  an'  we'll  do  him.  I  can  see  th'  pea 
go  undher  th'  shell  ivry  time.'  So  O'Brien 
bein'  a  hot  spoort  loaned  him  th'  money,  an' 
he  wint  at  it.  Ivry  time  Larkin  cud  see  th' 
pea  go  undher  th'  shell  as  plain  as  day. 
Wanst  or  twict  th'  shell  man  was  so  careless 
that  he  left  th'  pea  undher  th'  edge  iv  th' 
shell.  But  in  five  minyits  all  iv  O'Brien's 
money  was  in  th'  bad  ma-an's  pockits,  an'  he 
was  lookin'  around  f 'r  more  foolish  pathrites. 
It  took  O'Brien  some  time  Pr  to  decide 
what  to  do.  Thin  says  he,  'Twas  my 
money  this  fool  blowed  in.'  An'  he  made 
a  dash  f 'r  th'  shell  ma'an ;  an'  he  not  on'y 
got  what  he'd  lost,  but  all  th'  r-rest  iv  th' 


ON  DIPLOMACY  5 

capital  besides.  Ye  see,  that  was  his  game. 
That  was  where  he  come  in.  An*  he  took 
th'  money  an'  carrid  it  over  to  a  cor-rner  iv 
th'  gr-rounds  where  a  la-ad  had  wan  iv  thim 
matcheens  where  ye  pay  tin  cints  Pr  th' 
privilege  iv  seein'  how  har-rd  ye  can  hit  with 
a  sledge-hammer,  an*  there  he  stayed  till  th' 
polis  come  arround  to  dhrive  people  off  th' 
gr-rounds." 


ON   WAR    PREPARATIONS. 

"  WELL/'  Mr.  Hennessy  asked,  "  how  goes 
th'war?" 

"  Splendid,  thank  ye,"  said  Mr.  Dooley. 
"  Fine,  fine.  It  makes  me  hear-rt  throb 
with  pride  that  I'm  a  citizen  iv  th'  Sixth 
Wa-ard." 

"  Has  th'  ar-rmy  started  f'r  Cuba  yet? " 

"  Wan  ar-rmy,  says  ye  ?  Twinty  !  Las' 
Choosdah  an  advance  ar-rmy  iv  wan  hun- 
dherd  an'  twinty  thousand  men  landed  fr'm 
th'  Gussie,  with  tin  thousand  cannons  hurlin' 
projick-tyles  weighin'  eight  hundherd  pounds 
sivinteen  miles.  Winsdah  night  a  second 
ar-rmy  iv  injineers,  miners,  plumbers,  an' 
lawn  tinnis  experts,  numberin'  in  all  four 
hundherd  an'  eighty  thousand  men,  ar-rmed 
with  death-dealin'  canned  goods,  was  hurried 
to  Havana  to  storm  th'  city. 

"  Thursdah  mornin'  three  thousand  full 
rigimints  iv  r-rough  r-riders  swum  their 
hor-rses  acrost  to  Matoonzas,  an'  afther  a 
spirited  battle  captured  th'  Rainy  Christiny 
golf  links,  two  up  an'  hell  to  play,  an'  will 


ON  WAR  PREPARATIONS       7 

hold  thim  again  all  comers.  Th'  same 
afthernoon  th'  reg'lar  cavalry,  con-sistin'  iv 
four  hundherd  an'  eight  thousan'  well- 
mounted  men,  was  loaded  aboord  th'  tug 
Lucy  J.,  and  departed  on  their  earned  iv 
death  amidst  th'  cheers  iv  eight  millyon 
sojers  left  behind  at  Chickamaha.  These 
cav'lry'll  co-operate  with  Commodore 
Schlow ;  an'  whin  he  desthroys  th'  Spanish 
fleet,  as  he  does  ivry  Sundah  an'  holy  day  ex- 
cept in  Lent,  an'  finds  out  where  they  ar-re 
an'  desthroys  thim,  afther  batterin'  down 
th'  forts  where  they  ar-re  con-cealed  so  that 
he  can't  see  thim,  but  thinks  they  ar-re  on 
their  way  f  'r  to  fight  Cousin  George  Dooley, 
th'  cav'lry  will  make  a  dash  back  to  Tampa, 
where  Gin'ral  Miles  is  preparin'  to  desthroy 
th'  Spanish  at  wan  blow, —  an'  he's  th'  boy  to 
blow. 

"  The  gin'ral  arrived  th'  other  day,  fully 
prepared  f'r  th'  bloody  wurruk  iv  war.  He 
had  his  intire  fam'ly  with  him.  He  r-rode 
recklessly  into  camp,  mounted  on  a  superb 
specyal  ca-ar.  As  himsilf  an'  Uncle  Mike 
Miles,  an'  Cousin  Hennery  Miles,  an'  Mas- 


8  MR.  DOOLEY 

ter  Miles,  aged  eight  years,  dismounted  fr'm 
th'  specyal  train,  they  were  received  with  wild 
cheers  be  eight  millyon  iv  th'  bravest  sojers 
that  iver  give  up  their  lives  f'r  their  coun- 
thry.  Th'  press  cinchorship  is  so  pow'rful 
that  no  news  is  allowed  to  go  out;  but  I 
have  it  fr'm  th'  specyal  corryspondint  iv 
Mesilf,  Clancy  th'  Butcher,  Mike  Casey,  an' 
th'  City  Direchtry  that  Gin'ral  Miles  in- 
stantly repaired  himsilf  to  th'  hotel,  where 
he  made  his  plans  f'r  cr-rushin'  th'  Span- 
yards  at  wan  blow.  He  will  equip  th' 
ar-rmy  with  blow-guns  at  wanst.  His  uni- 
forms ar-re  comin'  down  in  specyal  steel 
protected  bullyon  trains  fr'm  th'  mint,  where 
they've  been  kept  f'r  a  year.  He  has  or- 
dhered  out  th'  gold  resarve  f'r  to  equip  his 
staff,  numberin'  eight  thousan'  men,  manny 
iv  whom  ar-re  clubmen ;  an',  as  soon  as  he 
can  have  his  pitchers  took,  he  will  cr-rush 
th'  Spanish  with  wan  blow.  Th'  pur-pose 
iv  th'  gin'ral  is  to  permit  no  delay.  Deci- 
sive action  is  demanded  be  th'  people.  An', 
whin  th'  hot  air  masheens  has  been  sint  to 
th'  front,  Gin'ral  Miles  will  strike  wan  blow 


ON  WAR  PREPARATIONS       9 

that'll  be  th'  damdest  blow  since  th'  year  iv 
th'  big  wind  in  Ireland. 

"  Iv  coorse,  they'se  dissinsions  in  th'  cabi- 
net; but  they  don't  amount  to  nawthin'. 
Th'  Sicrety  iv  War  is  in  favor  iv  sawin'  th' 
Spanish  ar-rmy  into  two-be- four  joists.  Th' 
Sicrety  iv  th'  Threeasury  has  a  scheme  Pr 
roonin'  thim  be  lindin'  thim  money.  Th' 
Sicrety  iv  th'  Navy  wants  to  sue  thim  be- 
fiire  th'  Mattsachusetts  Supreme  Coort.  I've 
heerd  that  th'  Prisident  is  arrangin'  a  knee 
dhrill,  with  th'  idee  iv  prayin'  th'  villyans  to 
th'  diwil.  But  these  differences  don't  count. 
We're  all  wan  people,  an'  we  look  to  Gin'ral 
Miles  to  desthroy  th'  Spanish  with  wan 
blow.  Whin  it  comes,  trees  will  be  lifted  out 
be  th'  roots.  Morro  Castle'll  cave  in,  an'  th' 
air'll  be  full  iv  Spanish  whiskers.  A  long 
blow,  a  sthrong  blow,  an'  a  blow  all  to- 
gether." 

"  We're  a  gr-reat  people,"  said  Mr.  Hen- 
nessy,  earnestly. 

"  We  ar-re,"  said  Mr.  Dooley.  "  We  ar-re 
that.  An'  th'  best  iv  it  is,  we  know  we 


ar-re." 


ON    FITZ-HUGH    LEE. 

"  Iv  COORSE,  he's  Irish,"  said  Mr.  Dooley. 
«Th'  Fitz-Hughs  an'  th'  McHughs  an'  th' 
McKeoughs  is  not  far  apart.  I  have  a 
cousin  be  th'  name  iv  McKeough,  an'  like 
as  not  th'  gin'ral  is  a  relation  iv  mine." 

"  If  I  was  you,  I'd  write  him  an'  see,"  said 
Mr.  Hennessy.  "  He's  a  gr-reat  ma-an." 

"He  is  so,"  said  Mr.  Dooley.  "He  is 
that.  Wan  iv  th'  gr-reatest.  An'  why 
shudden't  he  be  with  thim  two  names? 
They'se  pothry  in  both  iv  thim.  Fitz-Hugh 
Lee  !  Did  ye  iver  see  a  pitcher  iv  him  ?  A 
fat  ma-an,  with  a  head  like  a  football  an'  a 
neck  big  enough  to  pump  blood  into  his 
brain  an'  keep  it  fr'm  starvin'.  White- 
haired  an'  r-red-faced.  Th'  kind  iv  ma-an 
that  can  get  mad  in  ivry  vein  in  his  body. 
Whin  he's  hot,  I  bet  ye  his  face  looks  like 
a  fire  in  a  furniture  facthry.  Whin  a  ma-an 
goes  pale  with  r-rage,  look  out  f'r  a  knife 
in  th'  back.  But,  whin  he  flames  up  so  that 
th'  perspi-ration  sizzles  on  his  brow,  look 


ON  FITZ-HUGH  LEE          n 

out  f'r  hand  an'  feet  an'  head  an'  coupling 
pins  an'  rapid-firin'  guns.  Fitz  can  be  ca'm 
whin  they'se  annything  to  be  ca'm  about,  but 
he  can't  wait.  If  he  was  a  waiter,  he'd  be 
wurrukin'  at  th'  thrade.  Look  at  th' jaw  iv 
him  !  It's  like  a  paving  block. 

"  Does  Fitz  believe  in  di-plomacy  ?  Not 
him.  He  sets  there  in  his  office  in  Havana, 
smokin'  a  good  seegar,  an'  a  boy  comes  in 
an'  tells  him  they've  jugged  an  American 
citizen.  He  jams  his  hat  down  on  his  eyes, 
an'  r-rushes  over  to  where  Gin'ral  Blanco 
has  his  office.  *  Look  here,'  says  he,  *  ye 
pizenous  riptile,'  he  says, l  if  ye  don't  lave  me 
counthryman  out  iv  th'  bull-pen  in  fifteen 
minyits  be  th'  watch,'  he  says,  *  I'll  take  ye 
be  th'  hair  iv  th'  head  an'  pull  ye  fr'm  th' 
corner  iv  Halsted  Sthreet  to  th'  r-red  bridge,' 
he  says.  *  Lave  us  debate  this,'  says  Blanco. 

*  I'll    debate    nawthin',    says   Fitz.      *  Hurry 
up,  or  I'll  give  ye  a  slap,'  he  says.     *  R-run 
over   an'  wake  up    th'   loot   at   th'  station, 
an'  let  thim   Americans    out,  or,'    he    says, 

*  we'll  go  to  the  flure,'  he  says. 


12  MR.  DOOLEY 

"That's  Fitz.  He's  ca'm,  an'  he  waits 
part  iv  th'  time.  That's  whin  he's  asleep. 
But,  as  soon  as  his  eyes  opins,  his  face  begins 
to  flare  up  like  wan  iv  thim  r-round  stoves 
in  a  woodman's  shanty  whin  rosiny  wood  is 
thrun  in.  An'  fr'm  that  time  on  till  he's 
r-ready  to  tur-rn  in  an'  sleep  peaceful  an' 
quite, —  not  like  a  lamb  full  iv  vigetable  food, 
but  like  a  line  that's  wur-rked  ha-ard  an'  et 
meat, —  he  niver  stops  rampin'  an'  ragin'. 
Ye  don't  hear  iv  Fitz  lookin'  worn  with  th' 
sthruggle.  Ye  don't  r-read  iv  him  missin' 
anny  meals.  No  one  fears  that  Fitz  will 
break  down  undher  th'  suspinse.  That  ain't 
in  th'  breed.  He's  another  kind  iv  a  man. 
He  hasn't  got  th'  time  to  be  tired  an'  worrid. 
He  needs  food,  an'  he  has  it ;  an'  he  needs 
sleep,  an'  he  takes  it ;  an'  he  needs  fightin', 
an'  he  gets  it.  That's  Fitz.  They  ain't 
such  a  lot  iv  difference  between  th'  bravest 
man  in  the  wurruld  an'  th'  cow'rdliest. 
Not  such  a  lot.  It  ain't  a  question  iv 
morality,  Hinnissy.  I've  knowed  men  that 
wint  to  church  ivry  Sundah  an'  holyday 


ON  FITZ-HUGH  LEE          13 

reg'lar,  an'  give  to  th'  poor  an'  loved  their 
neighbors,  an'  they  wudden't  defind  their 
wives  against  a  murdherer.  An'  I've 
knowed  th'  worst  villyuns  on  earth  that'd 
die  in  their  thracks  to  save  a  stranger's  child 
fr'm  injury.  'Tis  a  question  iv  how  th' 
blood  is  pumped.  Whin  a  man  shows  th' 
sthrain,  whin  he  gets  thin  an'  pale  an'  worrid 
in  th'  time  f ' r  fightin',  he's  mighty  near  a 
cow'rd.  But,  whin  his  face  flames  an'  his 
neck  swells  an'  his  eyes  look  like  a  couple 
iv  ilicthric  lamps  again  a  cyclone  sky,  he'd 
lead  a  forlorn  hope  acrost  th'  battlemints  iv 
hell." 


ON    MULES   AND    OTHERS. 

"  I  SEE,"  said  Mr.  Dooley,  "  th'  first  gr-reat 
land  battle  iv  th'  war  has  been  fought." 

"  Where  was  that  ?  "  demanded  Mr.  Hen- 
nessy,  in  great  excitement.  cc  Lord  save  us, 
but  where  was  that  ?  " 

"Th'  Alger  gyards,"  said  Mr.  Dooley, 
"  bruk  fr'm  th'  corral  where  they  had  thim 
tied  up,  atin'  thistles,  an'  med  a  desp'rate 
charge  on  th'  camp  at  Tampa.  They 
dayscinded  like  a  whur-rl-wind,  dhrivin'  th* 
astonished  throops  befure  thim,  an'  thin 
charged  back  again,  completin'  their  earned 
iv  desthruction.  At  th'  las'  account  th' 
brave  sojers  was  climbin'  threes  an'  tilly- 
graft  poles,  an'  a  rig'mint  iv  mules  was 
kickin'  th'  pink  silk  linin'  out  iv  th'  officers' 
quarthers.  Th'  gallant  mules  was  led  be  a 
most  courageous  jackass,  an'  'tis  undher- 
sthud  that  me  frind  Mack  will  appint  him 
a  brigadier-gin-ral  jus'  as  soon  as  he  can  find 
out  who  his  father  is.  'Tis  too  bad  he'll 
have  no  childher  to  perpituate  th'  fame  iv 


ON  MULES  AND  OTHERS     15 

him.  He  wint  through  th'  camp  at  th'  head 
iv  his  throops  iv  mules  without  castin'  a 
shoe.  He's  th'  biggest  jackass  in  Tampa 
to-day,  not  exciptin'  th'  cinsor ;  an*  I  doubt 
if  they'se  a  bigger  wan  in  Wash'n'ton,  though 
I  cud  name  a  few  that  cud  thry  a  race  with 
him.  Annyhow,  they'll  know  how  to  re- 
ward him.  They  know  a  jackass  whin  they 
see  wan,  an'  they  see  a  good  manny  in  that 
peaceful  city. 

"  Th'  charge  iv  Tampa'll  go  into  histhry 
as  th'  first  land  action  iv  th'  war.  An',  be 
th'  way,  Hinnissy,  if  this  here  sociable  is  f 'r 
to  go  on  at  th'  prisint  rate,  I'm  sthrong  to 
ar-rm  th'  wild  ar-rmy  mules  an'  the  unbri- 
dled jackasses  iv  th'  pe-rary  an'  give  thim  a 
chanst  to  set  Cuba  free.  Up  to  this  time  th' 
on'y  hero  kilt  on  th'  Spanish  side  was  a 
jackass  that  poked  an  ear  above  th'  bat- 
thries  at  Matoonzas  f 'r  to  hear  what  was  goin' 
on.  '  Behold,'  says  Sampson,  *  th'  insolince 
iv  th'  foe,'  he  says.  *  For-rm  in  line  iv  bat- 
tle, an'  hur-rl  death  an'  desthruction  at  yon 
Castilyan  gin'ral.'  'Wait,'  says  an  officer. 


16  MR.  DOOLEY 

'  It  may  be  wan  iv  our  own  men.  It  looks 
like  th'  Sicrety  iv  ' —  *  Hush  !  '  says  th'  com- 
mander. *  It  can't  be  an  American  jackass, 
or  he'd  speak/  he  says.  *  Fire  on  him.'  Shot 
afther  shot  fell  round  th'  inthrepid  ass ;  but 
he  remained  firm  till  th'  dinnymite  boat  Ve- 
soovyus  fired  three  hundherd  an'  forty  thou- 
sand pounds  iv  gum  cotton  at  him,  an'  the 
poor  crather  was  smothered  to  death.  Now, 
says  I,  give  these  Tampa  mules  a  chanst, 
an'  we'll  have  no  need  iv  wastin'  ammun-ni- 
tion.  Properly  led,  they'd  go  fr'm  wan  end 
iv  Cuba  to  th'  other,  kickin'  th'  excelsior  out 
iv  ivry  stuffed  Spanish  gin'ral  fr'm  Bahoohoo 
Hoondoo  to  Sandago  de  Cuba.  They'd  be 
no  loss  iv  life.  Th'  sojers  who  haven't  gone 
away  cud  come  hom,e  an'  get  cured  iv  th' 
measles  an'  th'  whoopin'-cough  an'  th'  chol- 
era infantum  befure  th'  public  schools  opens 
in  th'  fall,  an'  iverything  wud  be  peaceful  an' 
quiet  an'  prosp'rous.  Th'  officers  in  th'  field 
at  prisint  is  well  qualified  f 'r  command  iv  th' 
new  ar-rmy  ;  an',  if  they'd  put  blinders  on  th' 
mules,  they  wudden't  be  scared  back  be  wan 


ON  MULES  AND  OTHERS     17 

iv  thim  Spanish  fleets  that  a  jackass  sees 
whin  he's  been  up  all  night,  secretly  stuffing 
himsilf  with  silo.  They'd  give  wan  hew- 
haw,  an'  follow  their  leaders  through  th' 
hear-rt  iv  th'  inimy's  counthry.  But  give 
thim  th'  wurrud  to  git  ap,  an'  they'd  ate 
their  thistles  undher  th'  guns  iv  some  ol' 
Morro  Castle  befure  night. 

"  Ye  don't  see  th'  difference,  says  ye.  They 
ain't  anny  i'  th'  leaders.  As  efficient  a  lot 
iv  mules  as  iver  exposed  their  ears.  Th' 
throuble  is  with  th'  rank  an'  file.  They're 
men.  What's  needed  to  carry  on  this  war 
as  it  goes  to-day  is  an  ar-rmy  iv  jacks  an' 
mules.  Whin  ye  say  to  a  man,  *  Git  ap, 
whoa,  gee,  back  up,  get  alang !  '  he  don't 
know  what  ye'er  dhrivin'  at  or  to.  But  a 
mule  hears  th'  ordhers  with  a  melancholy 
smile,  dhroops  his  ears,  an'  follows  his 
war-rm,  moist  breath.  Th'  ordhers  fr'm 
Washington  is  perfectly  comprehinsible  to  a 
jackass,  but  they  don't  mane  annything  to  a 
poor,  foolish  man.  No  human  bein',  Hin- 
nissy,  can  undherstand  what  the  divvie  use 


1 8  MR.  DOOLEY 

it  was  to  sink  a  ship  that  cost  two  hundherd 
thousan'  dollars  an'  was  worth  at  laste  eighty 
dollars  in  Sandago  Harbor,  if  we  have  to 
keep  fourteen  ships  outside  to  prevint  five 
Spanish  ships  fr'm  sailin'.  Th'  poor,  tired 
human  mind  don't  tumble,  Hinnissy,  to  th' 
raison  f'r  landin'  four  hundherd  marines 
at  Guanotommy  to  clear  th'  forests,  whin 
Havana  is  livin'  free  on  hot  tamales  an'  ice- 
cream. Th'  mind  iv  a  Demostheens  or  a 
Tim  Hogan  would  be  crippled  thryin'  to 
figure  out  why  throops  ar-re  sint  out  fr'm 
Tampa  an'  thin  ordhered  back  through  a 
speakin'  chube,  while  wan  iv  th'  new  briga- 
deer-gin'rals  has  his  hands  manicured  an' 
says  good-by  to  his  nurse.  But  it  ought  to 
be  as  plain  to  th'  mule  that  hears  it  as  it  is  to 
th'  jackasses  that  gets  it  up.  What  we  need, 
Hinnissy,  is  a  perfect  undherstandin'  be- 
tween th'  ar-rmy  an'  th'  administhration. 
We  need  what  Hogan  calls  th'  esphrite  th1 
corpse,  an'  we'll  on'y  have  it  whin  th'  mules 
begins  to  move." 

"  I    shud    think,"   said    Mr.    Hennessy, 


ON  MULES  AND  OTHERS     19 

"  now    that    th'  jackasses    has    begun  to  be 
onaisy  " — 

"  We  ought  to  be  afraid  th'  cabinet  an'  th' 
Boord  iv  Sthrateejy  '11  be  stampeded  ? "  Mr. 
Dooley  interrupted.  "  Niver  fear.  They're 
too  near  th'  fodder." 


ON  HIS  COUSIN  GEORGE. 

"  WELL,"  said  Mr.  Hennessy,  in  tones  of 
chastened  joy  :  "  Dewey  didn't  do  a  thing  to 
thim.  I  hope  th'  poor  la-ad  ain't  cooped 
up  there  in  Minneapolis." 

"Niver  fear,"  said  Mr.  Dooley,  calmly. 
"  Cousin  George  is  all  r-right." 

"  Cousin  George  ?  "  Mr.  Hennessy  ex- 
claimed. 

"  Sure,"  said  Mr.  Dooley.  "  Dewey  or 
Dooley,  'tis  all  th'  same.  We  dhrop  a  let- 
ter here  an'  there,  except  th'  haitches, —  we 
niver  dhrop  thim, —  but  we're  th'  same  breed 
iv  fightin'  men.  Georgy  has  th'  thraits  iv 
th'  fam'ly.  Me  uncle  Mike,  that  was  a 
handy  man,  was  tol'  wanst  he'd  be  sint  to 
hell  f'r  his  manny  sins,  an'  he  desarved  it; 
Pr,  lavin'  out  th*  wan  sin  iv  runnin'  away  fr'm 
annywan,  he  was  booked  f'r  ivrything  from 
murdher  to  missin'  mass.  '  Well/  he  says, 
1  anny  place  I  can  get  into,'  he  says,  *  I  can 
get  out  iv/  he  says.  '  Ye  bet  on  that/  he 
says. 


ON  HIS  COUSIN  GEORGE      21 

"  So  it  is  with  Cousin  George.  He  knew 
th'  way  in,  an1  it's  th'  same  way  out.  He 
didn't  go  in  be  th'  fam'ly  inthrance,  sneakin' 
along  with  th'  can  undher  his  coat.  He  left 
Ding  Dong,  or  whativer  'tis  ye  call  it,  an' 
says  he,  *  Thank  Gawd,'  he  says, '  I'm  where 
no  man  can  give  me  his  idees  iv  how  to 
r-run  a  quiltin'  party,  an'  call  it  war,'  he  says. 
An'  so  he  sint  a  man  down  in  a  divin'  shute, 
an'  cut  th'  cables,  so's  Mack  cudden't  chat 
with  him.  Thin  he  prances  up  to  th' 
Spanish  forts,  an'  hands  thim  a  few  oranges. 
Tosses  thim  out  like  a  man  throwin'  hand- 
bills f 'r  a  circus.  *  Take  that,'  he  says,  *  an' 
raymimber  th'  Maine,'  he  says.  An*  he 
goes  into  th'  harbor,  where  Admiral  What- 
th'-'ell  is,  an',  says  he,  c  Surrinder,'  he 
says.  *  Niver,'  says  th'  Dago.  *  Well,'  says 
Cousin  George,  'I'll  just  have  to  push  ye 
ar-round,'  he  says.  An'  he  tosses  a  few 
slugs  at  th'  Spanyards.  Th'  Spanish  admiral 
shoots  at  him  with  a  bow  an'  arrow,  an'  goes 
over  an'  writes  a  cable.  *  This  mornin'  we 
was  attackted,'  he  says.  *  An,'  he  says,  '  we 


22  MR.  DOOLEY 

fought  the  inimy  with  great  courage,'  he 
says.  *  Our  victhry  is  com-plete,'  he  says. 
'We  have  lost  ivrything  we  had,'  he  says. 
'  Th'  threachrous  foe/  he  says,  c  afther  de- 
stroyin'  us,  sought  refuge  behind  a  mud- 
scow,'  he  says;  cbut  nawthin'  daunted  us. 
What  boats  we  cudden't  r-run  ashore  we 
surrindered,'  he  says.  *  I  cannot  write  no 
more,'  he  says,  *  as  me  coat-tails  are  afire,' 
he  says ;  *  an'  I  am  bravely  but  rapidly  leapin' 
fr'm  wan  vessel  to  another,  followed  be  me 
valiant  crew  with  a  fire-engine,'  he  says. 
4  If  I  can  save  me  coat-tails,'  he  says,  '  they'll 
be  no  kick  comin',  he  says.  c  Long  live 
Spain,  long  live  mesilf.' 

"  Well,  sir,  in  twinty-eight  minyits  be  th' 
clock  Dewey  he  had  all  th'  Spanish  boats 
sunk,  an'  that  there  harbor  lookin'  like  a 
Spanish  stew.  Thin  he  r-run  down  th'  bay, 
an'  handed  a  few  war-rm  wans  into  th'  town. 
He  set  it  on  fire,  an'  thin  wint  ashore  to 
war-rm  his  poor  hands  an'  feet.  It  chills 
th'  blood  not  to  have  anny thing  to  do  f 'r  an 
hour  or  more." 


ON  HIS  COUSIN  GEORGE      23 

"  Thin  why  don't  he  write  something  ? " 
Mr.  Hennessy  demanded. 

"  Write  ?  "  echoed  Mr.  Dooley.  "  Write  ? 
Why  shud  he  write?  D'ye  think  Cousin 
George  ain't  got  nawthin'  to  do  but  to  set 
down  with  a  fountain  pen,  an'  write :  *  Dear 
Mack, —  At  8  o'clock  I  begun  a  peaceful 
blockade  iv  this  town.  Ye  can  see  th' 
pieces  ivrywhere.  I  hope  ye're  injyin'  th' 
same  gr-reat  blessin'.  So  no  more  at  prisint. 
Fr'm  ye'ers  thruly,  George  Dooley.'  He 
ain't  that  kind.  'Tis  a  nice  day,  an'  he's 
there  smokin'  a  good  tin-cint  see-gar,  an* 
throwin'  dice  f  V  th'  dhrinks.  He  don't  care 
whether  we  know  what  he's  done  or  not. 
I'll  bet  ye,  whin  we  come  to  find  out  about 
him,  we'll  hear  he's  ilicted  himself  king  iv  th' 
F'lip-ine  Islands.  Dooley  th'  Wanst.  He'll 
be  settin'  up  there  undher  a  pa'm-three  with 
naygurs  fannin'  him  an'  a  dhrop  iv  licker  in 
th'  hollow  iv  his  ar-rm,  an'  hootchy-kootchy 
girls  dancin'  befure  him,  an'  ivry  tin  or 
twinty  minyits  some  wan  bringin'  a  prisoner 
in.  '  Who's  this  ? '  says  King  Dooley.  *  A 


24  MR.  DOOLEY 

Spanish  gin'ral,'  says  th'  copper.  '  Give  him 
a  typewriter  an*  set  him  to  wurruk/  says  th 
king.  *  On  with  th'  dance/  he  says.  An* 
afther  awhile,  whin  he  gits  tired  iv  th'  game, 
he'll  write  home  an'  say  he's  got  the  islands ; 
an'  he'll  tur-rn  thim  over  to  th'  gover'mint 
an'  go  back  to  his  ship,  an'  Mark  Hanna'll 
organize  th'  F'lip-ine  Islands  Jute  an'  Cider 
Comp'ny,  an'  th'  rivolutchinists'll  wish  they 
hadn't.  That's  what'll  happen.  Mark  me 
wurrud." 


ON    SOME   ARMY  APPOINT- 
MENTS. 

"WELL,  sir,"  said  Mr.  Dooley,  "I  didn't 
vote  f 'r  Mack,  but  I'm  with  him  now.  I 
had  me  doubts  whether  he  was  th'  gr-reatest 
military  janius  iv  th'  cinchry,  but  they'se  no 
question  about  it.  We  go  into  this  war,  if 
we  iver  do  go  into  it,  with  th'  most  fash'n- 
able  ar-rmy  that  iver  creased  its  pants. 
'Twill  be  a  daily  hint  fr'm  Paris  to  th'  crool 
foe. 

"  Other  gin'rals  iv  th'  r-rough-house  kind, 
like  Napoleon  Bonypart,  th'  impror  iv  th' 
Frinch,  Gin'ral  Ulis  S.  Grant,  an'  Cousin 
George  Dooley,  hired  coarse,  rude  men  that 
wudden't  know  th'  difference  between  goluf 
an'  crokay,  an'  had  their  pants  tucked  in 
their  boots  an'  chewed  tobacco  be  th'  pound. 
Thank  Hivin,  McKinley  knows  betther  thin 
to  sind  th'  likes  iv  thim  abroad  to  shock  our 
frinds  be  dumpin'  their  coffee  into  thimsilves 
fr'm  a  saucer. 

"  Th'  dure  bell  rings,  an'  a  fiitman  in  liv'ry 


26  MR.  DOOLEY 

says :  *  I'm  Master  Willie  Dooselbery's  man, 
an'  he's  come  to  be  examined  f 'r  th'  army,' 
says  he.  c  Admit  him,'  says  McKinley  ;  an* 
Master  Willie  enters,  accompanied  be  his 
val-lay,  his  mah  an'  pah  an'  th'  comity  iv  th' 
goluf  club.  c  Willie,'  says  th'  Prisident,  *  ye 
ar-re  enthrin'  upon  a  gloryous  car-eer,  an' 
'tis  nic'ssry  that  ye  shud  be  thurly  examined, 
so  that  ye  can  teach  th'  glories  iv  civilization 
to  th'  tyr-ranies  iv  Europe  that  is  supported 
be  ye'er  pah  an'  mah,'  he  says.  c  'Twud  be  a 
turr'ble  thing,'  he  says,  cif  some  day  they 
shud  meet  a  Spanish  gin'ral  in  Mahdrid,  an' 
have  him  say  to  thim,  "  I  seen  ye'er  son 
Willie  durin'  th'  war  wearin'  a  stovepipe  hat 
an'  tan  shoes."  Let  us  begin  th'  examina- 
tion,' he  says.  s  Ar-re  ye  a  good  goluf 
player  ? '  *  I  am,'  says  Willie.  c  Thin  I  ap- 
pint  ye  a  liftnant.  What  we  need  in  th' 
ar-rmy  is  good  goluf  players,'  he  says.  c  In 
our  former  war,'  he  says,  cwe  had  th'  mis- 
fortune to  have  men  in  command  that  didn't 
know  th'  diff 'rence  between  a  goluf  stick  an' 
a  beecycle ;  an'  what  was  th'  raysult  ?  We 


ON  SOME  APPOINTMENTS    27 

foozled  our  approach  at  Bull  R-run/  he 
says.  c  Ar-re  ye  a  mimber  iv  anny  clubs  ? ' 
he  says.  c  Four,'  says  Willie.  c  Thin  I 
make  ye  a  major,'  he  says.  *  Where  d'ye 
get  ye'er  pants  ? '  he  says.  '  Fr'm  England/ 
says  Willie.  '  Gloryous,'  says  McKinley. 
c  I  make  ye  a  colonel,'  he  says.  *  Let  me 
thry  ye  in  tactics,'  he  says.  '  Suppose  ye 
was  confronted  be  a  Spanish  ar-rmy  in  th' 
afthernoon,  how  wud  ye  dhress  ? '  he  says. 
*  I'd  wear  a  stovepipe  hat,  a  long  coat,  a 
white  vest,  an'  lavender  pants,'  says  Willie. 
c  An*  if  th'  attack  was  be  night  ? '  he  says. 
c  I'd  put  on  me  dhress  shoot,  an'  go  out  to 
meet  thim,'  says  Willie.  CA  thuro  sojer,' 
says  McKinley.  c  Suppose  th'  sociable 
lasted  all  night?'  he  says.  c  I'd  sound  th' 
rethreat  at  daybreak,  an'  have  me  brave  boys 
change  back/  he  says,  c  to  suitable  appar'l/ 
he  says.  '  Masterly/  says  McKinley.  *  I 
will  sind  ye'er  name  in  as  a  brigadier-gin'ral/ 
he  says.  *  Thank  Gawd,  th'  r-rich/  he  says, 
c  is  brave  an'  pathriotic/  he  says.  c  Ye  will 
jine  th'  other  boys  fr'm  thj  club  at  Tampa/ 


28  MR.  DOOLEY 

he  says.  c  Ye  shud  be  careful  iv  ye'er  equip- 
ment,' he  says.  '  I  have  almost  ivrything 
r-ready/  says  Willie.  *  Me  man  attinded  to 
thim  details/  he  says.  '  But  I  fear  I  can't 
go  to  th'  fr-ront  immejetly/  he  says.  *  Me 
pink  silk  pijammas  hasn't  arrived/  he  says. 
4 Well,'  says  Mack/  'wait  f'r  thim/  he  says. 
'  I'm  anxious  f'r  to  ind  this  hor'ble  war/  he 
says,  c  which  has  cost  me  manny  a  sleepy 
night/  he  says  ;  '  but  'twud  be  a  crime  f'r  to 
sind  a  sojer  onprepared  to  battle/  he  says. 
1  Wait  f'r  th'  pijammas/  he  says.  '  Thin  on 
to  war/  he  says ;  '  an'  let  ye'er  watchword  be, 
"  Raymimber  ye'er  manners,"  '  he  says. 

" '  They'se  a  man  out  here/  says  th'  privit 
sicrity, '  that  wants  to  see  ye/  he  says.  '  He's 
a  r-rough-lookin'  charackter  that  was  in  th' 
Soo  war/  he  says.  c  His  name  is  Gin'ral 
Fiteum/  he  says.  'Throw  th'  stiff  out/ 
says  Mack.  *  I  seen  him  in  Pinnsylvania 
Avnoo  yisterdah,  r-ridin'  in  a  sthreet  ca-ar/ 
he  says.  *  Ah,  Willie,  me  boy/  he  says, '  'tis 
little  ye  know  what  throuble  I  have  fr'm 
these  vulgar  sojers  with  pants  that  bags  at 


ON  SOME  APPOINTMENTS    29 

th'  knees.  Give  me  a  goold-tipped  cigareet, 
an*  tell  me  whether  shirt  waists  is  much 
worn  in  New  York  this  year/ 

"Yis,  Hinnissy,  we'll  put  th'  tastiest 
ar-rmy  in  th'  field  that  iver  come  out  iv  a 
millinery  shop.  '  Right  dhress  ! '  will  be  an 
ordher  that'll  mean  somethin'.  Th'  ar-rmy'll 
be  followed  be  specyal  correspondints  fr'm 
Butthrick's  Pattherns  an'  Harper's  Bazar; 
an',  if  our  brave  boys  don't  gore  an'  pleat 
th'  inimy,  'twill  be  because  th'  inimy'll  be 
r-rude  enough  to  shoot  in  anny  kind  iv 
clothes  they  find  on  th'  chair  whin  they 
wake  up." 


ON   STRATEGY. 

"A  STHRATEEJAN,"  said  Mr.  Dooley,  in  re- 
sponse to  Mr.  Hennessy's  request  for  infor- 
mation, "is  a  champeen  checker-player. 
Whin  th'  war  broke  out,  me  frind  Mack 
wint  to  me  frind  Hanna,  an'  says  he, '  What,' 
he  says,  'what  can  we  do  to  cr-rush  th7 
haughty  power  iv  Spain,'  he  says,  '  a'n 
br-ring  this  hateful  war  to  a  early  conclu- 
sion ? "  he  says.  '  Mobilize  th'  checker- 
players,'  says  Hanna.  An'  fr'm  all  cor-rners 
iv  th'  counthry  they've  gone  to  Washin'ton, 
where  they're  called  th'  Sthrateejy  Board. 

"  Day  an'  night  they  set  in  a  room  with  a 
checker-board  on  th'  end  iv  a  flour  bar'l,  an' 
study  problems  iv  th'  navy.  At  night  Mack 
dhrops  in.  '  Well,  boys,'  says  he,  '  how  goes 
th'  battle  ? '  he  says.  '  Gloryous,'  says  th' 
Sthrateejy  Board.  'Two  more  moves,  an' 
we'll  be  in  th'  king  row.'  '  Ah,'  says  Mack, 
'  this  is  too  good  to  be  thrue,'  he  says.  '  In 
but  a  few  brief  minyits  th'  dhrinks'll  be  on 
Spain,'  he  says.  '  Have  ye  anny  plans  f'r 


ON  STRATEGY  31 

Sampson's  fleet  ? '  he  says.  '  Where  is  it  ? ' 
says  th'  Sthrateejy  Board.  '  I  dinnaw,'  says 
Mack.  'Good,'  says  th'  Sthrateejy  Board. 
1  Where's  th'  Spanish  fleet?'  says  they. 
c  Bombardin'  Boston,  at  Cadiz,  in  San  June 
de  Matzoon,  sighted  near  th'  gashouse  be 
our  special  correspondint,  copyright,  1898, 
be  Mike  O'Toole.'  '  A  sthrong  position,' 
says  th'  Sthrateejy  Board.  '  Undoubtedly, 
th'  fleet  is  headed  south  to  attack  and  seize 
Armour's  glue  facthory.  Ordher  Sampson 
to  sail  north  as  fast  as  he  can,  an'  lay  in  a 
supply  iv  ice.  Th'  summer's  comin'  on. 
Insthruct  Schley  to  put  on  all  steam,  an'  thin 
put  it  off  again,  an'  call  us  up  be  telephone. 
R-rush  eighty- three  millyon  throops  an'  four 
mules  to  Tampa,  to  Mobile,  to  Chickenmaha, 
to  Coney  Island,  to  Ireland,  to  th'  diwle,  an' 
r-rush  thim  back  again.  Don't  r-rush  thim. 
Ordher  Sampson  to  pick  up  th'  cable  at  Lin- 
coln Par-rk,  an'  run  into  th'  bar-rn.  Is  th' 
balloon  corpse  r-ready  ?  It  is  ?  Thin  don't 
sind  it  up.  Sind  it  up.  Have  th'  Mulligan 
Gyards  co-op 'rate  with  Gomez,  an'  tell  him 


32  MR.  DOOLEY 

to  cut  away  his  whiskers.  They've  got  tan- 
gled in  th'  riggin'.  We  need  yellow-fever 
throops.  Have  ye  anny  yellow  fever  in  th' 
house?  Give  it  to  twinty  thousand  three 
hundherd  men,  an'  sind  thim  afther  Gov'- 
nor  Tanner.  Teddy  Rosenfelt's  r-rough 
r-riders  ar-re  downstairs,  havin'  their  uni- 
forms pressed.  Ordher  thim  to  th'  goluf 
links  at  wanst.  They  must  be  no  indeci- 
sion. Where's  Richard  Harding  Davis? 
On  th'  bridge  iv  the  New  York  ?  Tur-rn  th' 
bridge.  Seize  Gin'ral  Miles'  uniform.  We 
must  strengthen  th'  gold  resarve.  Where's 
th'  Gussie  ?  Runnin'  off  to  Cuba  with  wan 
hundherd  men  an'  ar-rms,  iv  coorse.  Oh, 
war  is  a  dhreadful  thing.  It's  ye'er  move, 
Claude,'  says  th'  Sthrateejy  Board. 

'*  An'  so  it  goes  on ;  an'  day  by  day  we 
r-read  th'  tur-rble  story  iv  our  brave  sthra- 
teejans  sacrificin'  their  time  on  th'  altar  iv 
their  counthry,  as  Hogan  says.  Little  we 
thought,  whin  we  wint  into  this  war,  iv  th' 
horrors  it  wud  bring.  Little  we  thought  iv 
th'  mothers  at  home  weepin'  f 'r  their  brave 


ON  STRATEGY  33 

boys  down  at  Washington  hur-rtin  their  poor 
eyes  over  a  checker-board.  Little  we  thought 
iv  these  devoted  men,  as  Hogan  says,  with 
achin'  heads,  plannin'  to  sind  three  hundherd 
thousand  millyon  men  an'  a  carload  iv  beans 
to  their  fate  at  Tampa,  Fla.  But  some  wan 
must  be  sacrificed,  as  Hogan  says.  An' 
these  poor  fellows  in  Washin'ton  with  their 
r-red  eyes  an'  their  tired  backs  will  be  an 
example  to  future  ginerations,  as  Hogan 
says,  iv  how  an  American  sojer  can  face 
his  jooty  whin  he  has  to,  an'  how  he  can't 
whin  he  hasn't  to." 

"  Dewey  ain't  a  sthrateejan  ? "  inquired 
Mr.  Hennessy. 

"  No,"  said  Mr.  Dooley.  "  Cousin  George 
is  a  good  man,  an'  I'm  very  fond  iv  him, — 
more  be  raison  iv  his  doin'  that  May-o  bos- 
thoon  Pat  Mountjoy,  but  he  has  low  tastes. 
We  niver  cud  make  a  sthrateejan  iv  him. 
They'se  a  kind  iv  a  vulgar  fightin'  sthrain  in 
him  that  makes  him  want  to  go  out  an*  slug 
some  wan  wanst  a  month.  I'm  glad  he  ain't 
in  Washin'ton.  Th'  chances  ar-re  he'd  go  to 
th'  Sthrateejy  Board  and  pull  its  hair." 


ON    GENERAL   MILES'S    MOON- 
LIGHT  EXCURSION. 

"  DEAR,  oh,  dear,"  said  Mr.  Dooley,  "  I'd 
give  five  dollars  —  an'  I'd  kill  a  man  Pr 
three  —  if  I  was  out  iv  this  Sixth  Wa-ard 
to-night,  an'  down  with  Gin'ral  Miles'  gran' 
picnic  an'  moonlight  excursion  in  Porther 
Ricky.  'Tis  no  comfort  in  bein'  a  cow'rd 
whin  ye  think  iv  thim  br-rave  la-ads  facin' 
death  be  suffication  in  bokays  an'  dyin'  iv 
waltzin'  with  th'  pretty  girls  iv  Porther 
Ricky. 

"  I  dinnaw  whether  Gin'ral  Miles  picked 
out  th'  job  or  whether  'twas  picked  out  f 'r 
him.  But,  annyhow,  whin  he  got  to  San- 
dago  de  Cubia  an'  looked  ar-round  him,  he 
says  to  his  frind  Gin'ral  Shafter,  '  Gin'ral,' 
says  he,  *  ye  have  done  well  so  far,'  he  says. 
'Tis  not  f'r  me  to  take  th'  lorls  fr'm  th' 
steamin'  brow  iv  a  thrue  hero/  he  says.  '  I 
lave  ye  here,'  he  says,  'f'r  to  complete  th' 
victhry  ye  have  so  nobly  begun,'  he  says. 
4  F'r  you,'  he  says,  '  th'  wallop  in  th'  eye  fr'm 


A  MOONLIGHT  EXCURSION  35 

th'  newspaper  rayporther,  th'  r-round  rob- 
bing, an*  th*  sunsthroke,'  he  says,  *  f 'r  me  th* 
hardship  iv  th*  battlefield,  th*  late  dinner, 
th'  theayter  party,  an*  th*  sickenin*  polky,'  he 
says.  '  Gather,'  he  says,  *  th'  fruits  iv  ye'er 
bravery,'  he  says.  *  Return,'  he  says,  '  to 
ye'er  native  land,  an'  receive  anny  grati- 
chood  th'  Sicrety  iv  War  can  spare  fr'm  his 
own  fam'ly,'  he  says.  *  F'r  me,'  he  says, 
*  there  is  no  way  but  f 'r  to  tur-rn  me  back 
upon  this  festive  scene,'  he  says,  '  an'  go 
where  jooty  calls  me,'  he  says.  *  Ordherly,' 
he  says,  *  put  a  bottle  on  th'  ice,  an*  see  that 
me  goold  pants  that  I  wear  with  th*  pale 
blue  vest  with  th*  di'mon  buttons  is  irned 
out,*  he  says.  An*  with  a  haggard  face  he 
walked  aboord  th'  excursion  steamer,  an* 
wint  away. 

"I'd  hate  to  tell  ye  iv  th'  thriles  iv  th1 
expedition,  Hinnissy.  Whin  th'  picnic  got 
as  far  as  Punch,  on  th'  southern  coast  iv 
Porther  Ricky,  Gin'ral  Miles  gazes  out,  an* 
says  he,  'This  looks  like  a  good  place  to 
hang  th'  hammicks,  an'  have  lunch,'  says 


36  MR.  DOOLEY 

he.  *  Forward,  brave  men,'  says  he,  *  where 
ye  see  me  di'mon's  sparkle,'  says  he.  *  For- 
ward, an'  plant  th'  crokay  ar-rches  iv  our 
beloved  counthry,'  he  says.  An'  in  they 
wint,  like  inthrepid  warryors  that  they  ar-re. 
On  th'  beach  they  was  met  be  a  diligation 
fr'm  th'  town  of  Punch,  con-sistin'  iv  th' 
mayor,  th'  common  council,  th'  polis  an'  fire 
departments,  th'  Gr-rand  Ar-rmy  iv  th'  Ray- 
public,  an'  prominent  citizens  in  carredges. 
Gin'ral  Miles,  makin'  a  hasty  tielet,  ad- 
vanced onflinchingly  to  meet  thim.  c  Gintle- 
men,'  says  he,  *  what  can  I  do  f 'r  ye  ? '  he 
says.  *  We  come/  says  th'  chairman  iv  th' 
comity,  *  f 'r  to  offer  ye,'  he  says,  *  th'  r-run 
iv  th'  town,'  he  says.  *  We  have  held  out,' 
he  says,  c  as  long  as  we  cud,'  he  says.  *  But,' 
he  says,  '  they'se  a  limit  to  human  endur- 
ance,' he  says.  'We  can  withstand  ye  no 
longer,'  he  says.  '  We  surrinder.  Take  us 
prisoners,  an'  rayceive  us  into  ye'er  gloryous 
an'  well-fed  raypublic,'  he  says.  *  Br-rave 
men,'  says  Gin'ral  Miles,  *  I  congratulate  ye,' 
he  says,  *  on  th'  heeroism  iv  yer  definse,'  he 


A  MOONLIGHT  EXCURSION  37 

says.  'Ye  stuck  manfully  to  yer  colors, 
whativer  they  ar-re,'  he  says.  '  I  on'y  won- 
dher  that  ye  waited  f 'r  me  to  come  befure 
surrindhrin,'  he  says.  '  I  welcome  ye  into 
th'  Union,'  he  says.  '  I  don't  know  how  th' 
Union'll  feel  about  it,  but  that's  no  business 
iv  mine,'  he  says.  'Ye  will  get  ye'er 
wur-rkin-cards  fr'm  th'  walkin'  diligate,'  he 
says  ;  '  an'  ye'll  be  entitled,'  he  says,  '  to  pay 
ye'er  share  iv  th'  taxes  an'  to  live  awhile  an' 
die  whin  ye  get  r-ready,'  he  says,  'jus'  th1 
same  as  if  ye  was  bor-rn  at  home,'  he  says. 
4 1  don't  know  th'  names  iv  ye;  but  I'll  call 
ye  all  Casey,  f 'r  short,'  he  says.  '  Put  ye'er 
bokays  in  th'  hammick,'  he  says,  '  an'  return 
to  Punch,'  he  says  ;  '  an'  freeze  somethin'  f 'r 
me,'  he  says,  '  f 'r  me  thrawt  is  parched  with 
th'  labors  iv  th'  day,'  he  says.  Th'  r-rest  iv 
th'  avenin'  was  spint  in  dancin,'  music,  an* 
boat-r-ridin' ;  an'  an  inj'yable  time  was  had. 
"  Th'  nex'  day  th'  army  moved  on  Punch  ; 
an'  Gin'ral  Miles  marched  into  th'  ill-fated 
city,  preceded  be  flower-girls  sthrewin'  r-roses 
an'  geranyums  befure  him.  In  th'  afther- 
noon  they  was  a  lawn  tinnis  party,  an'  at 


38  MR.  DOOLEY 

night  the  gin'ral  attinded  a  banket  at  th' 
Gran*  Palace  Hotel.  At  midnight  he  was 
serenaded  be  th'  Raymimber  th'  Maine  Banjo 
an*  Mandolin  Club.  Th'  entire  popylace 
attinded,  with  pork  chops  in  their  button- 
holes to  show  their  pathreetism.  Th*  nex' 
day,  afther  breakfastin'  with  Mayor  Casey, 
he  set  out  on  his  weary  march  over  th' 
r-rough,  flower-strewn  paths  f'r  San  Joon. 
He  has  been  in  gr-reat  purl  fr'm  a  witherin' 
fire  iv  bokays,  an'  he  has  met  an'  overpow- 
ered some  iv  th'  mos'  savage  orators  in  Por- 
ther  Ricky ;  but,  whin  I  las'  heerd  iv  him,  he 
had  pitched  his  tents  an'  ice-cream  freezers 
near  the  inimy's  wall,  an'  was  grajully  silen- 
cin'  thim  with  proclamations." 

"They'll  kill  him  with  kindness  if  he 
don't  look  out,"  said  Mr.  Hennessy. 

"  I  dinnaw  about  that,"  said  Mr.  Dooley ; 
"  but  I  know  this,  that  there's  th'  makin'  iv 
gr-reat  statesmen  in  Porther  Ricky.  A 
proud  people  that  can  switch  as  quick  as 
thim  la-ads  have  nawthin'  to  larn  in  th'  way 
iv  what  Hogan  calls  th'  signs  iv  gover'mint, 
even  fr'm  th'  Supreme  Court." 


ON  ADMIRAL  DEWEY'S 
ACTIVITY. 

"  IF  they  don't  catch  up  with  him  pretty 
soon,"  said  Mr.  Dooley,  "  he'll  fight  his  way 
ar-round  th'  wurruld,  an'  come  out  through 
Bar-saloona  or  Cades." 

"Who's  that?"  asked  Mr.  Hennessy. 

"  Me  Cousin  George,  no  less,"  said  Mr. 
Dooley.  "  I  suppose  ye  think  th'  war  is 
over  an'  peace  has  rayturned  jus*  because 
Tiddy  Rosenfelt  is  back  home  again  an'  th' 
sojers  ar-re  hungry  in  New  York  'stead  iv 
in  Sandago.  That's  where  ye'er  wrong, 
Hinnissy.  That's  where  ye'er  wrong,  me 
bucko.  Th'  war  is  not  over  till  Cousin 
George  stops  fightin'.  Th'  Spanyards  have 
had  enough,  but  among  thrue  fightin'  men 
it  don't  make  anny  difference  what  th'  feel- 
in's  iv  th'  la-ad  undherneath  may  be.  'Tis 
whin  th'  man  on  top  has  had  his  fill  iv  fight- 
in'  that  th'  throuble's  over,  an'  be  the  look 
iv  things  Cousin  George  has  jus'  begun  to 
take  tay. 


40  MR.  DOOLEY 

"Whin  me  frind  Mack  con-eluded  'twas 
time  f'r  us  to  stop  fightin'  an*  begin  skin- 
ning each  other  in  what  Hogan  calls  th' 
marts  iv  thrade,  ye  thought  that  ended  it. 
So  did  Mack.  He  says,  says  he,  '  Let  us 
have  peace,'  he  says.  An'  Mark  Hanna 
came  out  iv'  th'  cellar,  where  he's  been  since 
Cousin  George  presinted  his  compliments  to 
th'  Ph'lippines  an'  wud  they  prefer  to  be  kilt 
or  dhrownded,  an'  pro-posals  was  made  to 
bond  th'  Cubian  pathrites,  an'  all  th'  deuces 
in  th'  deck  begun  to  look  like  face  car-rds 
again,  whin  suddently  there  comes  a  message 
fr'm  Cousin  George.  *  In  pursooance  iv 
ordhers  that  niver  come,'  he  says, '  to-day  th' 
squadhron  undher  my  command  knocked 
th'  diwle  out  iv  th'  fortifications  iv  th'  Ph'l- 
ippines, bombarded  the  city,  an'  locked  up 
th1  insurgent  gin'ral.  The  gov'nor  got  away 
be  swimmin'  aboord  a  Dutch  ship,  an'  th' 
Dutchman  took  him  to  Ding  Dong.  I'll 
attind  to  th'  Dutchman  some  afthernoon 
whin  I  have  nawthin'  else  to  do.  I'm  settin' 
in  the  palace  with  me  feet  on  th'  pianny. 


ON  ADMIRAL  DEWEY         41 

Write  soon.  I  won't  get  it.  So  no  more  at 
prisint,  fr'm  ye'er  oP  frind  an*  well-wisher, 
George  Dooley.' 

"  How  ar-re  they  goin'  to  stop  him  ? 
How  ar-re  they  goin'  to  stop  him  ?  There's 
Mack  on  th'  shore  bawlin'  ordhers.  '  Come 
back/  he  says.  *  Come  back,  I  com-mand 
ye,'  he  says.  c  George,  come  back,'  he  says. 
1  Th'  war  is  over,'  he  says.  *  We're  at  peace 
with  th'  wurruld,'  he  says.  *  George,'  he 
says,  *  George,  be  a  good  fellow,'  he  says. 
1  Lave  up  on  thim,'  he  says.  '  Hivins  an' 
earth,  he's  batin'  that  poor  Spanyard  with  a 
pavin'  block.  George,  George,  ye  break  me 
hear-rt,'  he  says. 

"  But  George  Dooley,  he  gives  th'  wink 
to  his  frinds,  an*  says  he,  *  What's  that  man 
yellin'  on  th'  shore  about  ? '  he  says. 
4  Louder,'  he  says.  '  I  can't  hear  ye,'  he 
says.  *  Sing  it,'  he  says.  *  Write  it  to  me 
on  a  postal  ca-ard  at  Mahdrid,'  he  says. 
*  Don't  stop  me  now,'  he  says.  *  This  is  me, 
busy  day,'  he  says ;  an'  away  he  goes  with  a 
piece  iv  lead  pipe  in  wan  hand  an'  a  couplin' 
pin  in  th'  other. 


42  MR.  DOOLEY 

"What'll  we  do  with  him?  We  can't 
catch  up  with  him.  He's  goin'  too  fast. 
Mack's  a  week  behind  him  ivry  time  he 
stops  anny where.  He  has  sthrung  a  throl- 
ley  acrost  th'  islands,  an'  he's  climbin'  moun- 
tains with  his  fleet.  Th'  on'y  thing  I  see, 
Hinnissy,  that  Mack  can  do  is  to  go  east 
an'  meet  him  comin'  r-round.  If  he  hurries, 
he'll  sthrike  him  somewhere  in  Rooshia  or 
Boohlgahria,  an'  say  to  him :  '  George,  th' 
war's  over.  Won't  ye  come  home  with 
me  ? '  I  think  he'll  listen  to  reason." 

"  I  think  a  man  ought  to  stop  fightin' 
whin  th'  war  is  ended,"  said  Mr.  Hennessy. 

"  I  dinnaw  about  that,"  said  Mr.  Dooley. 
"He  started  without  askin'  our  lave,  an'  I 
don't  see  what  we've  got  to  do  with  th' 
way  he  finishes.  'Tis  a  tur-rble  thing  to  be 
a  man  iv  high  sperrits,  an'  not  to  know  whin 
th'  other  fellow's  licked." 


ON  THE  PHILIPPINES. 

"  I   KNOW  what  I'd  do  if  I  was  Mack," 

said  Mr.  Hennessy.  "  I'd  hist  a  flag  over 
th'  Ph'lippeens,  an'  I'd  take  in  th'  whole 
lot  iv  thim." 

"An'  yet,"  said  Mr.  Dooley,  "tis  not 
more  thin  two  months  since  ye  larned 
whether  they  were  islands  or  canned  goods. 
Ye'er  back  yard  is  so  small  that  ye'er  cow 
can't  turn  r-round  without  buttin'  th'  wood- 
shed off  th'  premises,  an'  ye  wudden't  go 
out  to  th'  stock  yards  without  takin'  out  a 
policy  on  yer  life.  Suppose  ye  was  standin' 
at  th'  corner  iv  State  Sthreet  an'  Archey 
R-road,  wud  ye  know  what  car  to  take  to 
get  to  th'  Ph'lippeens  ?  If  yer  son  Packy 
was  to  ask  ye  where  th'  Ph'lippeens  is,  cud 
ye  give  him  anny  good  idea  whether  they 
was  in  Rooshia  or  jus'  west  iv  th'  thracks  ?  " 

"  Mebbe  I  cudden't,"  said  Mr.  Hennessy, 
haughtily,  "  but  I'm  f  r  takin'  thim  in,  anny- 
how." 

"  So  might  I  be,"  said  Mr.  Dooley,  "  if  I 


44  MR.  DOOLEY 

cud  on'y  get  me  mind  on  it.  Wan  iv  the 
worst  things  about  this  here  war  is  th'  way 
it's  makin'  puzzles  f 'r  our  poor,  tired  heads. 
Whin  I  wint  into  it,  I  thought  all  I'd  have 
to  do  was  to  set  up  here  behind  th'  bar  with 
a  good  tin-cint  see-gar  in  me  teeth,  an'  toss 
dinnymite  bombs  into  th'  hated  city  iv  Ha- 
vana. But  look  at  me  now.  Th'  war  is  still 
goin'  on ;  an'  ivry  night,  whin  I'm  countin' 
up  the  cash,  I'm  askin'  mesilf  will  I  annex 
Cubia  or  lave  it  to  the  Cubians  ?  Will  I  take 
Porther  Ricky  or  put  it  by  ?  An'  what  shud 
I  do  with  the  Ph'lippeens  ?  Oh,  what  shud 
I  do  with  thim  ?  I  can't  annex  thim  because 
I  don't  know  where  they  ar-re.  I  can't  let 
go  iv  thim  because  some  wan  else'll  take 
thim  if  I  do.  They  are  eight  thousan'  iv 
thim  islands,  with  a  popylation  iv  wan  hun- 
dherd  millyon  naked  savages ;  an'  me  bed- 
room's crowded  now  with  me  an'  th'  bed. 
How  can  I  take  thim  in,  an'  how  on  earth 
am  I  goin'  to  cover  th'  nakedness  iv  thim 
savages  with  me  wan  shoot  iv  clothes  ?  An' 
yet  'twud  break  me  heart  to  think  iv  givin' 


ON  THE  PHILIPPINES        45 

people  I  niver  see  or  heerd  tell  iv  back  to 
other  people  I  don't  know.  An',  if  I  don't 
take  thim,  Schwartzmeister  down  th'  sthreet, 
that  has  half  me  thrade  already,  will  grab 
thim  sure. 

"  It  ain't  that  I'm  afraid  iv  not  doin'  th' 
r-right  thing  in  th'  end,  Hinnissy.  Some 
mornin'  I'll  wake  up  an*  know  jus'  what  to 
do,  an'  that  I'll  do.  But  'tis  th'  annoyance 
in  th'  mane  time.  I've  been  r-readin'  about 
th'  counthry.  'Tis  over  beyant  ye'er  left 
shoulder  whin  ye're  facin'  east.  Jus'  throw 
ye'er  thumb  back,  an'  ye  have  it  as  ac'rate  as 
anny  man  in  town.  'Tis  farther  thin  Boohl- 
gahrya  an'  not  so  far  as  Blewchoochoo.  It's 
near  Chiny,  an'  it's  not  so  near;  an',  if  a 
man  was  to  bore  a  well  through  fr'm  Goshen, 
Indianny,  he  might  sthrike  it,  an*  thin  again 
he  might  not.  It's  a  poverty-sthricken  coun- 
thry, full  iv  goold  an'  precious  stones,  where 
th'  people  can  pick  dinner  off  th'  threes  an' 
ar-re  starvin'  because  they  have  no  step- 
ladders.  Th'  inhabitants  is  mostly  nay- 
gurs  an'  Chinnymen,  peaceful,  industhrus, 


46  MR.  DOOLEY 

an'  law-abiding  but  savage  an'  bloodthirsty  in 
their  methods.  They  wear  no  clothes  except 
what  they  have  on,  an*  each  woman  has  five 
husbands  an*  each  man  has  five  wives.  Th' 
r-rest  goes  into  th'  discard,  th'  same  as  here. 
Th'  islands  has  been  ownded  be  Spain  since 
befure  th'  fire;  an'  she's  threated  thim  so 
well  they're  now  up  in  ar-rms  again  her, 
except  a  majority  iv  thim  which  is  thurly 
loyal.  Th'  natives  seldom  fight,  but  whin 
they  get  mad  at  wan  another  they  r-run- 
a-muck.  Whin  a  man  r-runs-a-muck,  some- 
times they  hang  him  an'  sometimes  they 
discharge  him  an'  hire  a  new  motorman. 
Th'  women  ar-re  beautiful,  with  languishin' 
black  eyes,  an'  they  smoke  see-gars,  but 
ar-re  hurried  an'  incomplete  in  their  dhress. 
I  see  a  pitcher  iv  wan  th'  other  day  with 
nawthin'  on  her  but  a  basket  of  cocoanuts 
an*  a  hoop-skirt.  They're  no  prudes.  We 
import  juke,  hemp,  cigar  wrappers,  sugar,  an* 
fairy  tales  fr'm  th'  Ph'lippeens,  an'  export 
six-inch  shells  an'  th'  like.  Iv  late  th' 
Ph'lippeens  has  awaked  to  th'  fact  that 


ON  THE  PHILIPPINES        47 

they're  behind  th'  times,  an'  has  received 
much  American  amminition  in  their  midst. 
They  say  th'  Spanyards  is  all  tore  up 
about  it. 

"  I  larned  all  this  fr'm  th'  papers,  an'  I 
know  'tis  sthraight.  An*  yet,  Hinnissy,  I 
dinnaw  what  to  do  about  th'  Ph'lippeens. 
An'  I'm  all  alone  in  th'  wurruld.  Ivrybody 
else  has  made  up  his  mind.  Ye  ask  anny 
con-ducthor  on  Ar-rchy  R-road,  an'  he'll  tell 
ye.  Ye  can  find  out  fr'm  the  papers  ;  an',  if 
ye  really  want  to  know,  all  ye  have  to  do  is 
to  ask  a  prom'nent  citizen  who  can  mow  all 
th'  lawn  he  owns  with  a  safety  razor.  But  I 
don't  know." 

"  Hang  on  to  thim,"  said  Mr.  Hennessy, 
stoutly.  "  What  we've  got  we  must  hold." 

"Well,"  said  Mr.  Dooley,  "if  I  was 
Mack,  I'd  lave  it  to  George.  I'd  say : 
c  George,'  I'd  say,  cif  ye're  f'r  hangin'  on, 
hang  on  it  is.  If  ye  say,  lave  go,  I  dhrop 
thim.'  'Twas  George  won  thim  with  th' 
shells,  an'  th'  question's  up  to  him." 


ON    PRAYERS   FOR   VICTORY. 

"  IT  looks  to  me,"  said  Mr.  Dooley,  "  as 
though  me  frind  Mack'd  got  tired  iv  th' 
Sthrateejy  Board,  an'  was  goin'  to  lave  th' 
war  to  th'  men  in  black." 

"How's  that?"  asked  Mr.  Hennessy, 
who  has  at  best  but  a  clouded  view  of  public 
affairs. 

"Well,"  said  Mr.  Dooley,  "while  th' 
sthrateejans  have  been  wearin'  out  their 
jeans  on  cracker  -  boxes  in  Wash'n'ton, 
they'se  been  goin'  on  th'  mos'  deadly  con- 
flict iver  heerd  tell  iv  between  th'  pow'rful 
preachin'  navies  iv  th'  two  counthries. 
Manila  is  nawthin'  at  all  to  th'  scenes  iv 
carnage  an'  slaughter,  as  Hogan  says,  that's 
been  brought  about  be  these  desthroyers. 
Th'  Spanyards  fired  th'  openin'  gun  whin 
th'  bishop  iv  Cades,  a  pow'rful  turreted 
monitor  (ol*  style),  attackted  us  with  both 
for'ard  guns,  an'  sint  a  storm  iv  brimstone 
an'  hell  into  us.  But  th'  victhry  was  not 
f'r  long  with  th'  hated  Spanyard.  He  was 


ON  PRAYERS  FOR  VICTORY  49 

answered  be  our  whole  fleet  iv  preachers. 
Thin  he  was  jined  be  th'  bishop  iv  Barsa- 
loona  an'  th'  bishop  iv  Mahdrid  an'  th' 
bishop  iv  Havana,  all  battle-ships  iv  th' 
first  class,  followed  be  a  fleet  iv  cruisers 
r-runnin'  all  th'  way  fr'm  a  full-ar-rmored 
vicar  gin'ral  to  a  protected  parish  priest. 
To  meet  thim,  we  sint  th'  bishop  iv  New 
York,  th'  bishop  iv  Philadelphia,  th'  bishop 
iv  Baltimore,  an'  th'  bishop  iv  Chicago,  ac- 
companied be  a  flyin'  squadhron  iv  Metho- 
dists, three  Presbyteryan  monitors,  a  fleet  iv 
Baptist  submarine  desthroyers,  an'  a  formid- 
able array  iv  Universalist  an'  Unitaryan 
torpedo  boats,  with  a  Jew  r-ram.  Mane- 
time  th'  bishop  iv  Manila  had  fired  a  solid 
prayer,  weighin'  a  ton,  at  San  Francisco; 
an'  a  masked  batthry  iv  Congregationalists 
replied,  inflictin'  severe  damage.  Our  At- 
lantic fleet  is  now  sarchin'  f 'r  th'  inimy,  an' 
the  bishop  iv  New  York  is  blockadin'  th' 
bishop  iv  Sandago  de  Cuba;  an*  they'se 
been  an  exchange  iv  prayers  between  th' 
bishop  iv  Baltimore  an'  th'  bishop  iv  Ha- 
vana without  much  damage. 


50  MR.  DOOLEY 

"  Th'  Lord  knows  how  it'll  come  out. 
First  wan  side  prays  that  th'  wrath  iv 
Hiven'll  descind  on  th'  other,  an*  thin  th' 
other  side  returns  th'  compliment  with  in- 
threst.  Th'  Spanish  bishop  says  we're  a  lot 
iv  murdherin',  irreligious  thieves,  an'  ought 
to  be  swept  fr'm  th'  face  iv  th'  earth.  We 
say  his  people  ar-re  th'  same,  an'  manny  iv 
thim.  He  wishes  Hivin  to  sink  our  ships 
an*  desthroy  our  men;  an'  we  hope  he'll 
injye  th'  same  gr-reat  blessin'.  We  have  a 
shade  th'  best  iv  him,  f 'r  his  fleets  ar-re  all 
iv  th'  same  class  an'  oP  style,  an'  we  have 
some  iv  th'  most  modhern  prayin'  machines 
in  the  warruld ;  but  he  prays  har-rd,  an'  'tis 
no  aisy  wurruk  to  silence  him." 

"  What  d'ye  think  about  it  ?"  asked  Mr. 
Hennessy. 

"Well,"  said  Mr.  Dooley,  "I  dinnaw 
jus'  what  to  think  iv  it.  Me  own  idee  is 
that  war  is  not  a  matther  iv  prayers  so  much 
as  a  matther  iv  punchin' ;  an'  th'  on'y  place 
a  prayer  book  stops  a  bullet  is  in  th'  story 
books.  'Tis  like  what  Father  Kelly  said. 


ON  PRAYERS  FOR  VICTORY  51 

Three  weeks  ago  las'  Sundah  he  met  Hogan  ; 
an'  Hogan,  wantin'  to  be  smart,  ast  him  if 
he'd  offered  up  prayers  f  'r  th'  success  iv  th' 
cause.  *  Faith,  I  did  not/  says  th'  good  man. 
c  I  was  in  too  much  iv  a  hurry  to  get  away/ 
cWhat  was  th'  matther?'  ast  Hogan.  CI 
had  me  uniform  to  brush  up  an'  me  soord  to 
polish,'  says  Father  Kelly.  c  I  am  goin'  with 
th'  rig'mint  to-morrah,'  he  says  ;  an'  he  says, 
c  If  ye  hear  iv  me  waitin'  to  pray,'  he  says, 
canny  time  they'se  a  call  f'r  me,'  he  says, 
'to  be  in  a  fight,'  he  says,  cye  may  con- 
clude,' he  says,  c  that  I've  lost  me  mind,  an* 
won't  be  back  to  me  parish,'  he  says. 
c  Hogan,'  he  says,  c  I'll  go  into  th'  battle 
with  a  prayer  book  in  wan  hand  an'  a  soord 
in  th'  other,'  he  says ;  c  an,'  if  th'  wurruk  calls 
f'r  two  hands,  'tis  not  th'  soord  I'll  dhrop/ 
he  says.  c  Don't  ye  believe  in  prayer?'  says 
Hogan.  CI  do/  says  th'  good  man;  cbut/ 
he  says,  c  a  healthy  person  ought/  he  says, 
c  to  be  ashamed/  he  says,  c  to  ask  f'r  help  in 
a  fight/  he  says." 

cc  That's  th'  way  I  look  at  it,"  said  Mr. 


52  MR.  DOOLEY 

Hennessy.     "When  'tis  an  aven  thing   in 
th'  prayin',  may  th'  best  man  win." 

"  Ye're  r-right,  Hinnissy,"  said  Mr.  Doo- 
ley,  warmly.  "  Ye're  r-right.  An*  th'  best 
man  will  win." 


ON  THE   ANGLO-SAXON. 

"  WELL,"  said  Mr.  Dooley,  "  I  see  be  th' 
pa-apers  that  th*  snow-white  pigeon  iv  peace 
have  tied  up  th'  dogs  iv  war.  It's  all  over 
now.  All  we've  got  to  do  is  to  arrest  th' 
pathrites  an'  make  th'  reconcenthradios  pay 
th'  stamp  tax,  an'  be  r-ready  f 'r  to  take  a 
punch  at  Germany  or  France  or  Rooshia  or 
anny  counthry  on  th'  face  iv  th'  globe. 

"An'  I'm  glad  iv  it.  This  war,  Hinnissy, 
has  been  a  gr-reat  sthrain  on  me.  To  think 
iv  th'  suffrin'  I've  endured !  F'r  weeks  I 
lay  awake  at  nights  fearin'  that  th'  Spanish 
ar-rmadillo'd  lave  the  Cape  Verde  Islands, 
where  it  wasn't,  an'  take  th'  thrain  out  here, 
an'  hur-rl  death  an'  destruction  into  me 
little  store.  Day  be  day  th'  pitiless  exthries 
come  out  an'  beat  down  on  me.  Ye  hear  iv 
Teddy  Rosenfelt  plungin'  into  ambus-cades 
an'  Sicrity  iv  Wars ;  but  d'ye  hear  iv  Martin 
Dooley,  th'  man  behind  th'  guns,  four  thou- 
san'  miles  behind  thim,  an'  willin'  to  be  fur- 
ther? They  ar-re  no  bokays  f'r  me.  I'm 


54  MR.  DOOLEY 

what  Hogan  calls  wan  iv  th'  mute,  inglory- 
ous  heroes  iv  th'  war ;  an*  not  so  dam  mute, 
ayther.  Some  day,  Hinnissy,  justice'll  be 
done  me,  an*  th'  likes  iv  me ;  an',  whin  th' 
story  iv  a  gr-reat  battle  is  written,  they'll 
print  th'  kilt,  th'  wounded,  th'  missin',  an' 
th'  seryously  disturbed.  An'  thim  that  have 
bore  thimsilves  well  an'  bravely  an'  paid  th' 
taxes  an'  faced  th'  deadly  newspa-apers  with- 
out flinchin'  '11  be  advanced  six  pints  an' 
given  a  chanst  to  tur-rn  jack  f 'r  th'  game. 

"  But  me  wurruk  ain't  over  jus'  because 
Mack  has  inded  th'  war  an'  Teddy  Rosenfelt 
is  comin'  home  to  bite  th'  Sicrety  iv  War. 
You  an'  me,  Hinnissy,  has  got  to  bring  on 
this  here  Anglo-Saxon  'lieance.  An  Anglo- 
Saxon,  Hinnissy,  is  a  German  that's  forgot 
who  was  his  parents.  They're  a  lot  iv  thim 
in  this  counthry.  There  must  be  as  manny 
as  two  in  Boston :  they'se  wan  up  in  Maine, 
an'  another  lives  at  Bogg's  Ferry  in  New 
York  State,  an'  dhrives  a  milk  wagon.  Mack 
is  an  Anglo-Saxon.  His  folks  come  fr'm 
th'  County  Armagh,  an'  their  naytional 


ON  THE  ANGLO-SAXON       55 

Anglo-Saxon  hymn  is  c  O'Donnell  A  boo.' 
Teddy  Rosenfelt  is  another  Anglo-Saxon. 
An'  I'm  an  Anglo-Saxon.  I'm  wan  iv  th' 
hottest  Anglo-Saxons  that  iver  come  out  iv 
Anglo-Saxony.  Th'  name  iv  Dooley  has 
been  th'  proudest  Anglo-Saxon  name  in  th' 
County  Roscommon  f 'r  many  years. 

"  Schwartzmeister  is  an  Anglo-Saxon,  but 
he  doesn't  know  it,  an'  won't  till  some  wan 
tells  him.  Pether  Bowbeen  down  be  th' 
Frinch  church  is  formin'  th'  Circle  Francaize 
Anglo-Saxon  club,  an'  me  ol'  frind  Do- 
minigo  that  used  to  boss  th'  Ar-rchey 
R-road  wagon  whin  Callaghan  had  th'  sthreet 
conthract  will  march  at  th'  head  iv  th'  Dago 
Anglo-Saxons  whin  th'  time  comes.  There 
ar-re  twinty  thousan'  Rooshian  Jews  at  a 
quarther  a  vote  in  th'  Sivinth  Ward ;  an', 
ar-rmed  with  rag  hooks,  they'd  be  a  tur-r- 
ble  thing  Pr  anny  inimy  iv  th'  Anglo-Saxon 
'lieance  to  face.  Th'  Bohemians  an'  Pole 
Anglo-Saxons  may  be  a  little  slow  in  wakin' 
up  to  what  th'  pa-apers  calls  our  common 
hurtage,  but  ye  may  be  sure  they'll  be  all 


56  MR.  DOOLEY 

r-right  whin  they're  called  on.  We've  got 
together  an  Anglo-Saxon  'lieance  in  this 
wa-ard,  an*  we're  goin'  to  ilict  Sarsfield 
O'Brien  prisidint,  Hugh  O'Neill  Darsey 
vice-prisidint,  Robert  Immitt  Clancy  sicrety, 
an*  Wolfe  Tone  Malone  three-asurer. 
O'Brien'll  be  a  good  wan  to  have.  He 
was  in  the  Fenian  r-raid,  an'  his  father  car- 
rid  a  pike  in  forty-eight.  An'  he's  in  th' 
Clan.  Besides,  he  has  a  sthrong  pull  with 
thf  Ancient  Ordher  iv  Anglo-Saxon  Hi- 
bernyans. 

"  I  tell  ye,  whin  th'  Clan  an'  th'  Sons  iv 
Sweden  an'  th'  Banana  Club  an'  th'  Circle 
Francaize  an'  th'  Pollacky  Benivolent  So- 
ciety an*  th'  Rooshian  Sons  of  Dinnymite 
an'  th'  Benny  Brith  an'  th'  Coffee  Clutch 
that  Schwartzmeister  r-runs  an'  th'  Tur- 
rnd'ye-mind  an'  th'  Holland  society  an'  th' 
Afro-Americans  an'  th'  other  Anglo-Saxons 
begin  f 'r  to  raise  their  Anglo-Saxon  battle- 
cry,  it'll  be  all  day  with  th'  eight  or  nine 
people  in  th'  wurruld  that  has  th'  misfortune 
iv  not  bein'  brought  up  Anglo-Saxons," 


ON  THE  ANGLO-SAXON       57 

"They'se  goin'  to  be  a  debate  on  th' 
'lieance  at  th1  ninety-eight  picnic  at  Ogden's 
gr-rove,"  said  Mr.  Hennessy. 

"  PVaps,"  said  Mr.  Dooley,  sweetly, "  ye 
might  like  to  borry  th1  loan  iv  an  ice-pick." 


ON  A  LETTER  FROM  THE 
FRONT. 

MR.  DOOLEY  looked  important,  but  af- 
fected indifference,  as  he  mopped  the  bar. 
Mr.  Hennessy,  who  had  learned  to  study 
his  friend  in  order  to  escape  disagreeable 
complications,  patiently  waited  for  the  phi- 
losopher to  speak.  Mr.  Dooley  rubbed  the 
bar  to  the  end,  tossed  the  cloth  into  a  mys- 
terious recess  with  a  practised  movement, 
moved  a  glass  or  two  on  the  shelf,  cleaned 
his  spectacles,  and  drew  a  letter  from  his 
pocket. 

cc  Hm-m  !  "  he  said :  "  I  have  news  fr'm 
th'  fr-ront.  Me  newew,  Terry  Donahue, 
has  sint  me  a  letther  tellin'  me  all  about  it." 

"  How  shud  he  know  ? "  Mr.  Hennessy 
asked. 

"  How  shud  he  know,  is  it  ? "  Mr.  Dooley 
demanded  warmly.  "  How  shudden't  he 
know?  Isn't  he  a  sojer  in  th'  ar-rmy? 
Isn't  it  him  that's  down  there  in  Sandago 
fightin'  f'r  th'  honor  iv  th'  flag,  while  th' 


A  LETTER  FROM  THE  FRONT  59 

likes  iv  you  is  up  here  livin'  like  a  prince, 
an*  doin'  nawthin'  all  th'  livelong  day  but 
shovel  at  th'  rollin'-mills  ?  Who  are  ye  f  'r 
to  criticize  th'  dayfinders  iv  our  counthry 
who  ar-re  lyin'  in  th'  trinches,  an'  havin'  th' 
clothes  stole  off  their  backs  be  th'  pathriotic 
Cubians,  I'd  like  to  know?  F 'r  two  pins, 
Hinnissy,  you  an'  I'd  quarrel." 

c<  I  didn't  mean  nawthin',"  Mr.  Hennessy 
apologized.  cc  I  didn't  know  he  was  down 
there." 

"Nayether  did  I,"  said  Mr.  Dooley. 
"  But  I  informed  mesilf.  I'll  have  no 
wan  in  this  place  speak  again  th'  ar-rmy. 
Ye  can  have  ye'er  say  about  Mack.  He 
has  a  good  job,  an'  'tis  r-right  an'  proper  f'r 
to  baste  him  fr'm  time  to  time.  It  shows 
ye'er  in  good  thrim,  an'  it  don't  hur-rt  him. 
They'se  no  wan  to  stop  his  pay.  He  goes 
up  to  th'  cashier  an'  dhraws  his  forty-wan- 
sixty-six  jus'  th'  same  whether  he's  sick  01 
well,  an'  whether  he's  pulled  th'  box  reg-lar 
or  has  been  playin'  forty-fives  in  th'  back 
room.  But  whin  ye  come  to  castin'  asper- 


60  MR.  DOOLEY 

sions  on  th'  ar'rmy,  be  hivens,  ye'll  find  that 
I  can  put  me  thumb  on  this  showcase  an*  go 
over  at  wan  lep." 

"  I  didn't  say  annything,"  said  Mr.  Hen- 
nessy.  "  I  didn't  know  about  Terry." 

"  Iv  coorse,  ye  didn't,"  said  Mr.  Dooley. 
"An'  that's  what  I'm  sayin'.  Ye're  here 
wallowin'  in  luxury,  wheelin'  pig  ir'n  fr'm 
morn  till  night;  an'  ye  have  no  thought  iv 
what's  goin'  on  beyant.  You  an'  Jawn  D. 
Rockefeller  an'  Phil  Ar-rmour  an'  Jay  Pier- 
pont  Morgan  an'  th'  r-rest  iv  ye  is  settin' 
back  at  home  figurin'  how  ye  can  make 
some  wan.  else  pay  ye'er  taxes  f 'r  ye.  What 
is  it  to  ye  that  me  newew  Terry  is  sleepin' 
in  ditch  wather  an'  atin'  hard  tacks  an' 
coffee  an'  bein'  r-robbed  be  leeber  Cubians, 
an*  catchin'  yallow  fever  without  a  chanst  iv 
givin'  it  to  e'er  a  Spanyard.  Ye  think  more 
iv  a  stamp  thin  ye  do  iv  ye'er  counthry. 
Ye're  like  th'  Sugar  Thrust.  F'r  two  cints 
ye'd  refuse  to  support  th'  govermint.  I 
know  ye,  ye  bloated  monno-polist." 

"  I'm  no  such  thing,"  said  Mr.  Hennessy, 


A  LETTER  FROM  THE  FRONT  61 

hotly.     "  I've  been  a  Dimmycrat  f'r  thirty 
year." 

"Well,  annyhow,"  said  Mr.  Dooley, 
"don't  speak  disrayspictful  iv  th*  ar-rmy. 
Lave  me  r-read  you  Terry's  letter  fr'm  th' 
fr-ront.  c  M — m :  In  th'  trinches,  two  miles 
fr'm  Sandago,  with  a  land  crab  as  big  as  a 
lobster  crawlin'  up  me  back  be  way  iv  King- 
ston, June  6,  Dear  Uncle  Martin.'  That's 
th'  way  it  begins.  c  Dear  Uncle  Martin : 
We  are  all  well  here,  except  thim  that  is  not, 
an'  hope  ye're  injyin'  th'  same  gr-reat  blessin'. 
It's  hotter  down  here  thin  Billy-be-dam'd. 
They'se  a  rollin'-mill  near  here  jus'  th'  same 
as  at  home,  but  all  th'  hands  is  laid  off  on 
account  iv  bad  times.  They  used  ol'-fash- 
ioned  wooden  wheelbahrs  an'  fired  with 
wood.  I  don't  think  they  cud  handle  th' 
pig  th'  way  we  done,  bein'  small  la-ads.  Th' 
coke  has  to  be  hauled  up  in  sacks  be  th' 
gang.  Th'  derrick  hands  got  six  a  week,  but 
hadn't  anny  union.  Helpers  got  four  twinty. 
Puddlers  was  well  paid.  I  wint  through  th' 
plant  before  we  come  up  here,  an*  r-run  a 


62  MR.  DOOLEY 

wagon  up  th'  plank  jus'  to  keep  me  hand 
in.  Tell  me  frinds  that  wan  gang  iv  good 
la-ads  fr'm  th*  r-road  cud  wurruk  anny  three 
iv  th'  gangs  down  here.  Th'  mills  is  owned 
be  Rockefellar,  so  no  more  at  prisint  fr'm 
yer  affecshunate  newew,  Peter  Casey,  who's 
writin'  this  f'r  me.'" 

"  'Tis  a  good  letter,"  said  Mr.  Hennessy. 
cc  I  don't  see  how  they  cud  get  derrick  hands 
f'r  six  a  week." 

"Me  frind  Jawn  D.  knows  how,"  said 
Mr.  Dooley. 


ON    OUR  CUBAN   ALLIES. 

"WELL,  sir,"  said  Mr.  Dooley,  "dam 
thim  Cubians  !  If  I  was  Gin'ral  Shafter,  I'd 
back  up  th'  wagon  in  front  iv  th'  dure,  an* 
I'd  say  to  Gin'ral  Garshy,  I'd  say,  c  I  want 
you';  an'  I'd  have  thim  all  down  at  th' 
station  an'  dacently  booked  be  th'  desk 
sergeant  before  th'  fall  iv  night.  Th'  impy- 
dince  iv  thim  !  " 

"What  have  they  been  doin' ? "  Mr. 
Hennessy  asked. 

"  Failin'  to  undherstand  our  civilization," 
said  Mr.  Dooley.  "  Ye  see,  it  was  this  way. 
This  is  th'  way  it  was :  Gin'ral  Garshy 
with  wan  hundherd  thousan'  men's  been 
fightin'  bravely  f'r  two  years  f 'r  to  liberyate 
Cubia.  F'r  two  years  he's  been  marchin' 
his  sivinty-five  thousan'  men  up  an'  down 
th'  island,  desthroyin'  th'  haughty  Spanyard 
be  th'  millyons.  Whin  war  was  declared, 
he  offered  his  own  sarvice  an'  th'  sarvices  iv 
his  ar-rmy  iv  fifty  thousan'  men  to  th' 
United  States  ;  an',  while  waitin'  f'r  ships  to 


64  MR.  DOOLEY 

arrive,  he  marched  at  th'  head  iv  his  tin 
thousan'  men  down  to  Sandago  de  Cuba  an' 
captured  a  cigar  facthry,  which  they  soon 
rayjooced  to  smokin'  ruins.  They  was 
holdin'  this  position  —  Gin'ral  Garshy  an* 
his  gallant  wan  thousan'  men  —  whin  Gin'ral 
Shafter  arrived.  Gin'ral  Garshy  immedjitly 
offered  th'  sarvices  iv  himsilf  an'  his  two 
hundherd  men  f 'r  th'  capture  iv  Sandago ; 
an',  when  Gin'ral  Shafter  arrived,  there  was 
Gin'ral  Garshy  with  his  gallant  band  iv  fifty 
Cubians,  r-ready  to  eat  at  a  minyit's  notice. 
"  Gin'ral  Shafter  is  a  big,  coorse,  two-fisted 
man  fr'm  Mitchigan,  an',  whin  he  see  Gin'ral 
Garshy  an'  his  twinty-five  gallant  followers, 
*  Fr-ront,'  says  he.  c  This  way,'  he  says, 
'step  lively,'  he  says,  can'  move  some  iv 
these  things,'  he  says.  c  Sir,'  says  Gin'ral 
Garshy,  *  d'ye  take  me  f 'r  a  dhray  ? '  he 
says.  '  I'm  a  sojer,'  he  says,  c  not  a  bag- 
gage car,'  he  says.  c  I'm  a  Cubian  pathrite, 
an*  I'd  lay  down  me  life  an'  the  lives  iv  ivry 
wan  iv  th'  eighteen  brave  men  iv  me  de- 
voted ar-rmy,'  he  says;  c  but  I'll  be  dam'd  if 


ON  OUR  CUBAN  ALLIES      65 

I  carry  a  thrunk/  he  says.  c  I'll  fight  whin- 
iver  'tis  cool/  he  says,  c  an*  they  ain't  wan  iv 
these  twelve  men  here  that  wudden't  follow 
me  to  hell  if  they  was  awake  at  th'  time/  he 
says;  'but/  he  says, c if 'twas  wurruk  we  were 
lookin'  Pr,  we  cud  have  found  it  long  ago/ 
he  says.  c  They'se  a  lot  iv  it  in  this  coun- 
thry  that  nobody's  usin'/  he  says.  cWhat 
we  want/  he  says,  cis  freedom/  he  says; 
c  an',  if  ye  think  we  have  been  in  th'  woods 
dodgin'  th'  savage  corryspondint  f'r  two 
year/  he  says,  cf'r  th'  sake  iv  r-rushin'  yer 
laundhry  home/  he  says,  c  'tis  no  wondher/ 
he  says,  c  that  th'  r-roads  fr'm  Marinette  to 
Kalamazoo  is  paved  with  goold  bricks 
bought  be  th'  people  iv  ye'er  native  State/ 
he  says. 

"  So  Shafter  had  to  carry  his  own  thrunk ; 
an'  well  it  was  f'r  him  that  it  wasn't  Gin'ral 
Miles',  the  weather  bein'  hot.  An'  Shafter 
was  mad  clear  through;  an',  whin  he  took 
hold  iv  Sandago,  an'  was  sendin'  out  invita- 
tions, he  scratched  Garshy.  Garshy  took 
his  gallant  band  iv  six  back  to  th'  woods ;  an' 


66  MR.  DOOLEY 

there  th'  three  iv  thim  ar-re  now,  ar-rmed 
with  forty  r-rounds  iv  canned  lobster,  an' 
ready  to  ray  sis  t  to  th'  death.  Him  an'  th' 
other  man  has  written  to  Gin'ral  Shafter  to 
tell  him  what  they  think  iv  him,  an'  it  don't 
take  long." 

"Well,"  said  Mr.  Hennessy,  "I  think 
Shafter  done  wrong.  He  might' ve  asked 
Garshy  in  f'r  to  see  th'  show,  seein*  that 
he's  been  hangin'  ar-round  f'r  a  long  time, 
doin'  th'  best  he  cud." 

"It  isn't  that,"  explained  Mr.  Dooley. 
"  Th'  throuble  is  th'  Cubians  don't  undher- 
stand  our  civilization.  Over  here  freedom 
means  hard  wurruk.  What  is  th'  ambition 
iv  all  iv  us,  Hinnissy  ?  'Tis  ayether  to  hold 
our  job  or  to  get  wan.  We  want  wurruk. 
We  must  have  it.  D'ye  raymimber  th'  sign 
th'  mob  carrid  in  th'  procession  las'  year? 
c  Give  us  wurruk,  or  we  perish,'  it  said. 
They  had  their  heads  bate  in  be  polismen 
because  no  philan-thropist'd  come  along  an' 
make  thim  shovel  coal.  Now,  in  Cubia, 
whin  th'  mobs  turns  out,  they  carry  a  banner 


ON  OUR  CUBAN  ALLIES      67 

with  the  wurruds,  c  Give  us  nawthin'  to  do, 
or  we  perish.'  Whin  a  Cubian  comes  home 
at  night  with  a  happy  smile  on  his  face,  he 
don't  say  to  his  wife  an'  childher,  c  Thank 
Gawd,  I've  got  wurruk  at  last!'  He  says, 
c  Thank  Gawd,  I've  been  fired.'  An'  th' 
childher  go  out,  and  they  say,  c  Pah-pah  has 
lost  his  job.'  And  Mrs.  Cubian  buys  her- 
silf  a  new  bonnet ;  and  where  wanst  they  was 
sorrow  an'  despair  all  is  happiness  an'  a  cot- 
tage organ. 

"  Ye  can't  make  people  here  undherstand 
that,  an'  ye  can't  make  a  Cubian  undher- 
stand that  freedom  means  th'  same  thing  as 
a  pinitinchry  sintince.  Whin  we  thry  to  get 
him  to  wurruk,  he'll  say :  c  Why  shud  I  ? 
I  haven't  committed  anny  crime.'  That's 
goin'  to  be  th'  throuble.  Th'  first  thing 
we  know  we'll  have  another  war  in  Cubia 
whin  we  begin  disthributin'  good  jobs,  twelve 
hours  a  day,  wan  sivinty-five.  Th'  Cubians 
ain't  civilized  in  our  way.  I  sometimes  think 
I've  got  a  touch  iv  Cubian  blood  in  me  own 


veins." 


ON   THE    DESTRUCTION    OF 
CERVERA'S    FLEET. 

[These  comments  were  made  by  Mr.  Dooley  during  a  strike  of  the 
stereotypers,  which  caused  the  English  newspapers  of  Chicago  tem- 
porarily to  suspend  publication.] 

"I  HEAR,"  said  Mr.  Hennessy,  "that  th' 
stereopticons  on  th'  newspapers  have 
sthruck." 

"  I  sh'd  think  they  wud,"  said  Mr.  Dooley. 
"  Th'  las'  time  I  was  down  town  was  iliction 
night,  whin  Charter  Haitch's  big  la-ad  was 
ilicted,  an'  they  was  wurrukin'  th'  stereop- 
ticons till  they  was  black  in  th'  face.  What's 
th'  news?" 

"  Th'  What  Cheer,  loway,  Lamp  iv  Free- 
dom is  on  th'  sthreets  with  a  tillygram  that 
Shafter  has  captured  Sandago  de  Cuba,  an' 
is  now  settin'  on  Gin'ral  Pando's  chest  with 
his  hands  in  his  hair.  But  this  is  denied  be 
th'  Palo  Gazoot,  the  Macoupin  County  Ray- 
gisther,  an'  th'  Meridyan  Sthreet  Afro- Amer- 
ican. I  also  see  be  th'  Daily  Scoor  Card,  th' 
Wine  List,  th'  Deef  Mute's  Spokesman,  th' 


ON  CERVERA'S  FLEET        69 

Morgue  Life,  the  Bill  iv  Fare,  th'  Stock 
Yards  Sthraight  Steer,  an*  Jack's  Tips  on 
th'  Races,  the  on'y  daily  paper  printed  in 
Chicago,  that  Sampson's  fleet  is  in  th'  Suez 
Canal  bombarding  Cades.  Th'  North- 
western Christyan  Advycate  says  this  is  not 
thrue,  but  that  George  Dixon  was  outpointed 
be  an  English  boxer  in  a  twinty-r-round 
go  in  New  York." 

"Ye've  got  things  mixed  up,"  said  Mr. 
Dooley.  "  I  get  th'  news  sthraight.  'Twas 
this  way.  Th'  Spanish  fleet  was  bottled  up 
in  Sandago  Harbor,  an'  they  dhrew  th'  cork. 
That's  a  joke.  I  see  it  in  th'  pa-apers.  Th' 
gallant  boys  iv  th'  navy  was  settin'  out  on  th' 
deck,  defindin'  their  counthry  an'  dhrawin' 
three  ca-ards  apiece,  whin  th'  Spanish  admiral 
con-eluded  'twud  be  better  f 'r  him  to  be 
desthroyed  on  th'  ragin'  sea,  him  bein'  a 
sailor,  thin  to  have  his  fleet  captured  be 
cav'lry.  Annyhow,  he  was  willin'  to  take  a 
chance ;  an'  he  says  to  his  sailors :  c  Span- 
yards,'  he  says,  c  Castiles,'  he  says,  c  we  have 
et  th'  las'  bed-tick,'  he  says  ;  c  an',  if  we  stay 


yo  MR.  DOOLEY 

here  much  longer/  he  says,  c  I'll  have  to 
have  a  steak  off  th'  armor  plate  fried  f  'r  ye/ 
he  says.  c  Lave  us  go  out  where  we  can 
have  a  r-run  f  'r  our  money/  he  says.  An' 
away  they  wint.  I'll  say  this  much  f 'r  him, 
he's  a  brave  man,  a  dam  brave  man.  I 
don't  like  a  Spanyard  no  more  than  ye  do, 
Hinnissy.  I  niver  see  wan.  But,  if  this 
here  man  was  a  —  was  a  Zulu,  I'd  say  he 
was  a  brave  man.  If  I  was  aboord  wan 
iv  thim  yachts  that  was  convarted,  I'd  go 
to  this  here  Cervera,  an'  I'd  say :  c  Man- 
uel/ I'd  say,  cye're  all  right,  me  boy.  Ye 
ought  to  go  to  a  doctor  an'  have  ye'er  eyes 
re-set,  but  ye're  a  good  fellow.  Go  down- 
stairs/ I'd  say,  c  into  th'  basemint  iv  the 
ship/  I'd  say,  c  an'  open  th'  cupboard  jus' 
nex'  to  th'  head  iv  th'  bed,  an'  find  th'  bottle 
marked  "  Floridy  Wather,"  an'  threat  ye'er- 
silf  kindly.'  That's  what  I'd  say  to  Cervera. 
He's  all  right. 

"  Well,  whin  our  boys  see  th'  Spanish  fleet 
comin'  out  iv  th'  harbor,  they  gathered  on 
th'  deck  an'  sang  th'  naytional  anthem, 


ON  CERVERA'S  FLEET        71 

c  They'll  be  a  hot  time  in  th'  olf  town  to- 
night/ A  lift-nant  come  up  to  where  Ad- 
miral Sampson  was  settin'  playin'  sivin  up 
with  Admiral  Schley.  c  Bill/  he  says,  c  th' 
Spanish  fleet  is  comin'  out/  he  says.  <  What 
talk  have  ye  ? '  says  Sampson.  c  Sind  out 
some  row-boats  an'  a  yacht,  an'  desthroy  thim. 
Clubs  is  thrumps,'  he  says,  and  he  wint  on 
playin'.  Th'  Spanish  fleet  was  attackted  on 
all  sides  be  our  br-rave  la-ads,  nobly  assisted 
be  th'  dispatch  boats  iv  the  newspapers. 
Wan  by  wan  they  was  desthroyed.  Three 
battleships  attackted  th'  convarted  yacht 
Gloucester.  Th'  Gloucester  used  to  be 
owned  be  Pierpont  Morgan ;  but  'twas  con- 
varted, an'  is  now  leadin'  a  dacint  life.  Th' 
Gloucester  sunk  thim  all,  th'  Christobell 
Comma,  the  Viscera,  an*  th'  Admiral 
O'Quinn.  It  thin  wint  up  to  two  Spanish 
torpedo  boats  an'  giv  thim  wan  punch,  an' 
away  they  wint.  Be  this  time  th'  sojers  had 
heerd  of  the  victhry,  an'  they  gathered  on  th' 
shore,  singin'  th'  naytional  anthem,  c  They'll 
be  a  hot  time  in  th'  ol'  town  to-night,  me 


72  MR.  DOOLEY 

babby.'  Th'  gloryous  oP  chune,  to  which 
Washington  an'  Grant  an*  Lincoln  marched, 
was  took  up  be  th'  sailors  on  th'  ships,  an* 
Admiral  Cervera  r-run  wan  iv  his  boats 
ashore,  an*  jumped  into  th'  sea.  At  last 
accounts  th'  followin'  dispatches  had  been 
received:  cTo  Willum  McKinley:  Congrat- 
ulations on  ye'er  noble  victhry.  (Signed) 
Willum  McKinley.'  c  To  Russell  A.  Alger: 
Ye  done  splendid.  (Signed)  Russell  A. 
Alger.'  '  To  James  Wilson,  Sicrety  iv  Agri- 
culture: This  is  a  gr-reat  day  f'r  loway. 
Ar-re  ye  much  hur-rted?  (Signed)  James 
Wilson.' " 

"  Where  did  ye  hear  all  this  ? "  asked  Mr. 
Hennessy,  in  great  amazement. 

"  I  r-read  it,"  said  Mr.  Dooley,  impres- 
sively, "  in  the  Staats  Zeitung." 


ON  A  LETTER  TO  MR.  DEPEW. 

"I  USEN'T  to  know,"  said  Mr.  Dooley, 
"  what  me  frind  Gin'ral  Sherman  meant  whin 
he  said  that  thing  about  war.  I've  been 
through  two  iv  thim,  not  to  speak  iv  con- 
vintions  an'  primaries,  an'  divvle  th'  bit  iv 
har-rm  come  to  me  no  more  thin  if  I  was 
settin'  on  a  roof  playin'  an  accorjeen.  But 
I  know  now  what  th'  ol'  la-ad  meant.  He 
meant  war  was  hell  whin  'twas  over. 

"I  ain't  heerd  anny  noise  fr'm  th'  fellows 
that  wint  into  threnches  an'  plugged  th' 
villyanious  Spanyard.  Most  iv  thim  is  too 
weak  to  kick.  But  th'  proud  an'  fearless 
pathrites  who  restrained  thimsilves,  an' 
didn't  go  to  th'  fr-ront,  th'  la-ads  that 
sthruggled  hard  with  their  warlike  tindincies, 
an'  fin'lly  downed  thim  an'  stayed  at  home 
an'  practised  up  upon  th'  typewriter,  they're 
ragin'  an'  tearin'  an'  desthroyin'  their  foes. 

"Did  ye  see  what  me  frind  Alger  wrote 
to  Chansy  Depoo  ?  Well,  sir,  Alger  has 
been  misthreated.  There's  a  good  man.  I 


74  MR.  DOOLEY 

say  he's  a  good  man.  An*  he  is,  too.  At 
anny  thrick  fr'm  shingles  to  two-be-fours 
he's  as  good  as  th'  best.  But  no  wan  ap- 
prechated  Alger.  No  wan  undherstud  him. 
No  wan  even  thried  to.  Day  be  day  he 
published  th'  private  letters  iv  other  people, 
an*  that  didn't  throw  anny  light  on  his 
charackter.  Day  be  day  he  had  his  pitchers 
took,  an'  still  th'  people  didn't  get  onto  th' 
cur-rves  iv  him.  Day  be  day  he  chatted 
iv  th'  turrors  iv  war,  an'  still  people  on'y 
said:  cAn'  Alger  also  r-ran.'  But  th'  time 
come  whin  Alger  cud  contain  himsilf  no 
longer,  an'  he  set  down  an'  wrote  to  Chansy 
Depoo. 

" c  Mr.  Chansy  Depot,  care  iv  Grand  Cin- 
tral  Depew,  New  York,  N.Y.,  Esquire. 
Dear  Chanse :  I've  been  expectin'  a  letter 
fr'm  ye  f 'r  three  or  four  days.  In  reply  to 
same  will  say :  Oh,  Chanse,  ye  don't  know 
how  I  suffer.  I'm  that  low  in  me  mind  I 
feel  like  a  bunch  iv  lathes.  Oh,  dear,  to 
think  iv  what  I've  gone  through.  I  wint 
into  th'  war  onprepared.  I  had  on'y  so 


ON  A  LETTER  TO  MR.  DEPEW  75 

many  r-rounds  iv  catridges  an1  a  cross-cut 
saw,  an'  I  failed  to  provide  mesilf  with  th' 
ord'nary  necessities  iv  life.  But,  in  spite  iv 
me  deficiencies,  I  wint  bravely  ahead.  Th' 
sthrain  was  something  tur-r'ble  on  me.  Me 
mind  give  out  repeatedly.  I  cud  not  think 
at  times,  but  I  niver  faltered.  In  two 
months  I  had  enough  supplies  piled  up  in 
Maine  to  feed  ivry  sojer  in  Cubia.  They 
were  thousands  iv  r-rounds  iv  catridges  f  'r 
ivry  rig'mint,  and  all  th'  rig'mints  had  to  do 
was  to  write  f 'r  thim.  Th'  navy  had  taken 
Manila  an'  Cervera's  fleet,  an'  th'  ar-rmy  had 
taken  Sandago  an'  th'  yellow  fever.  Th' 
war  is  over,  an'  peace  wanst  more  wags  her 
wings  over  th'  counthry.  Pine  scantlings 
is  quoted  sthrong.  Ivrywhere  is  peace  an' 
con-tint.  Me  photographs  are  on  sale  at 
all  first-class  newsdealers.  Yet  there  is  no 
ca'm  f 'r  me.  Onthinkin'  wans  insult  me. 
They  tell  me  a  sojer  can't  ate  gin'ral  or- 
dhers.  They  want  me  to  raysign  an'  go 
back  to  me  humble  home  in  Mitchigan. 
Disgustin'  men  that've  done  nawthin'  but 
get  thimsilves  shot,  ask  f 'r  milk  an'  quinine. 


76  MR.  DOOLEY 

They'll  be  askin'  me  to  carry  food  to  thim 
nex'.  Oh,  Chanse,  oh,  hivens,  ye  can't 
know  how  grieved  I  am !  Rather  wud  I 
have  perished  in  a  log  jam  thin  toVe  indured 
this  ingratichood.  But,  in  lookin'  back  over 
me  past  life,  I  can  think  iv  no  wrong  I've 
done.  If  me  mim'ry  is  at  fault,  please  note. 
Me  career  is  an  open  book.  I've  held  naw- 
thin'  back  fr'm  th'  public,  not  even  whin 
'twas  mar-rked  private.  I  can  say  with  th' 
pote  that  I  done  me  jooty.  But,  oh, 
Chanse !  don't  iver  aspire  to  my  job.  Be 
sicrety  of  war,  if  ye  will ;  but  niver  be  sic- 
rety  iv  A  war.  Do  not  offer  this  letter  to 
th'  newspapers.  Make  thim  take  it.  How's 
things  goin'  with  ye,  ol'  pal  ?  I  hope  to  see 
ye  at  th'  seaside.  Till  thin,  I'm  yours,  sick 
at  heart,  but  atin'  reg'lar.  Russ.'  " 

"Well,"  said  Mr.  Hennessy,  "th'  poor 
man  must've  had  a  har-rd  time  iv  it." 

"He  did,"  said  Mr.  Dooley.  "Niver 
laid  his  head  to  a  pillow  before  eight,  up 
with  th'  moon :  he's  suffered  as  no  man  can 
tell.  But  he'll  be  all  r-right  whin  his  mind's 


at  r-rest." 


ON  THE  PRESIDENT'S  CAT. 

"'TWAS  this  way  about  Dr.  Hucken- 
looper.  Mack  has  a  cat  that  was  give  him 
f  'r  a  Chris'mas  prisint  be  me  frind  Pierpont 
Morgan,  an'  th'  cat  was  a  gr-reat  favor-ite  in 
th'  White  House.  'Twas  as  quite  as  th' 
Sicrety  iv  Agriculture  an'  as  affectionate  as 
th'  Sicrety  iv  th'  Three-asury.  Th'  cat  was 
called  Goold  Bonds,  because  iv  th'  inthrest 
he  dhrew.  He  very  often  played  with  th' 
Sicrety  iv  th'  Navy,  an'  ivry  wan  that  come 
to  th'  White  House  f'r  a  job  loved  him. 

"  But  wan  day  Goold  Bonds  begun  to  look 
bad.  He  cudden't  ate  th'  r-rich  crame  out 
iv  th'  di'mon'-studded  saucer.  He  stopped 
castin'  an  eye  at  th'  c'nary  in  th'  cage.  Whin 
th'  Sicrety  iv  th'  Navy  wint  down  f'r  to 
play  with  him,  Goold  Bonds  spit  at  that 
good  an'  gr-reat  man.  Mack  was  shavin' 
himsilf  befure  th'  lookin'-glass,  an'  had  jus' 
got  his  face  pulled  r-round  to  wan  side  f'r  a 
good  gash,  whin  he  heerd  a  scream  iv  ag'ny 
behind  him,  an'  tur-rned  to  see  Goold  Bonds 


78  MR.  DOOLEY 

leap  up  with  his  paws  on  his  stomach  an'  hit 
th'  ceilin'.  Mack  give  a  cry  iv  turror,  an* 
grabbed  at  Goold  Bonds.  Away  wint  Goold 
Bonds  through  th'  house.  Th'  Sicrety  iv 
War  seen  him  comin',  an'  called,  c  Pussy, 
pussy.'  Goold  Bonds  wint  through  his  legs, 
an'  galloped  f 'r  where  th'  Postmaster-gin'ral 
was  settin'  editin'  his  pa-aper.  Th'  Post- 
master-gin'ral had  jus'  got  as  far  as  c  we 
opine,'  whin  he  see  Goold  Bonds,  an'  he  bate 
th'  cat  to  th'  windy  be  a  whisker. 

"  Well,  Goold  Bonds  ended  up  in  th'  coal 
cellar,  an'  they  was  a  cab'net  council  f 'r  to 
see  what  was  to  be  done.  c  Sind  f 'r  Doctor 
Heinegagubler,'  says  th'  Sicrety  iv  War. 
(  He's  wan  iv  th'  gr-reatest  surgeons  iv  our 
time,'  he  says,  c  an'  can  cure  anny thing  fr'm 
pips  to  glanders,'  he  says.  Th'  famous 
Doctor  Honey  cooler  was  summoned.  f  Sir,' 
says  Mack,  c  Goold  Bonds,  th'  pride  iv  th' 
administhration,  has  had  a  fit,'  he  says. 
'  'Twud  br-reak  our  hear-rts  to  lose  our  little 
pet/  he  says.  c  Go,'  he  says,  c  an'  take 
such  measures  as  ye'er  noble  healin'  ar-rt 


ON  THE  PRESIDENT'S  CAT   79 

sug-gists,'  he  says ;  c  an'  may  th'  prayers  iv 
an  agonized  foster-parent  go  with  ye/  he 
says.  An'  Doctor  Higgenlocker  wint  down 
into  th'  coal-shed ;  an'  whin  he  come  back, 
it  was  with  Goold  Bonds  in  his  ar-rms,  weak 
an'  pale,  but  with  a  wan  smile  on  his  lips. 

"  Afther  embracin'  Goold  Bonds  an' 
tuckin'  him  away  in  bed,  Mack  tur-rns  to 
th'  Dock.  c  Dock,'  he  says,  c  ye  have  per- 
formed a  noble  sarvice,'  he  says.  '  I  appint 
ye  a  major-gin'ral,'  he  says.  c  I'm  that 
already,'  says  th'  Dock.  c  I've  r-rich  rela- 
tives in  Philadelphia,'  he  says.  '  But,'  says 
Mack,  c  'tis  a  shame  to  think  iv  ye'er  noble 
sarvices  bein'  wasted,'  he  says,  cwhin  ye'er 
counthry  calls,'  he  says.  c  I  appint  ye,'  he 
says,  c  surgeon-gin'ral,'  he  says.  c  Pro-ceed,' 
he  says,  c  to  Cubia,  an'  stamp  out  th'  dhread 
ravages,'  he  says,  civ  r-ringbone  an'  stag- 
gers,' he  says. 

"  That's  how  Dock  got  th'  job.  He  was 
a  gr-reat  man  down  there,  an'  now  he's  wan 
iv  th'  vethranaryans  iv  th'  war.  Ye  heerd 
iv  typhoid  an'  yellow  fever  in  th'  threnches ; 


8o  MR.  DOOLEY 

but  did  ye  hear  annything  iv  spavin  or  th' 
foot-an'-mouth  disease  ?  Not  wanst.  Dock 
was  on  jooty  late  an'  early.  Sleepless  an* 
vigilant,  he  stood  beside  th'  suffrin'  mules, 
allayin'  their  pain,  an'  slowly  but  surely 
dhraggin'  thim  out  iv  th'  clutches  iv  pink- 
eye an'  epizootic.  He  had  a  cheery  wurrud, 
a  pleasant  smile,  an'  a  bottle  iv  liniment  f 'r 
wan  an*  all.  He  cured  Teddy  Rosenfelt's 
hor-rse  iv  intherference  an'  made  a  soothin' 
lotion  iv  axle-grease  f'r  Gin'ral  Shafter's 
buckboard.  Ye  might  see  him  anny  time 
wandhrin'  through  th'  camp  with  a  hatful 
of  oats  or  a  wisp  of  hay.  They  called  him 
th'  Stall  Angel,  and  countless  thousands  iv 
sick  hor-rses  blessed  him.  He's  a  gr-reat 
man  is  th'  Dock.  But,  if  it  hadn't  been  f'r 
Goold  Bonds,  th'  counthry  wud  niver  have 
had  his  sarvices.  Who  knows  but  that 
Mack's  cat  was  th'  rale  victhor  at  San- 
dago?" 

"Didn't  he  cure  anny  men?"  asked  Mr. 
Hennessy. 

"Sure,"  said  Mr.  Dooley.  "He  cured 
Teddy  Rosenfelt  iv  boltin'." 


ON  A  SPEECH  BY  PRESIDENT 
McKINLEY. 

"I  HEAR-R  that  Mack's  in  town,"  said 
Mr.  Dooley. 

"Didn't  ye  see  him?"  asked  Mr.  Hen- 
nessy. 

"Faith,  I  did  not!"  said  Mr.  Dooley. 
"If  'tis  meetin'  me  he's  afther,  all  he  has  to 
do  is  to  get  on  a  ca-ar  an'  r-ride  out  to  num- 
ber nine-double-naught-nine  Archey  R-road, 
an*  stop  whin  he  sees  th'  sign  iv  th'  Tip- 
p'rary  Boodweiser  Brewin'  Company.  I'm 
here  fr'm  eight  in  the  mornin'  till  midnight, 
an'  th'  r-rest  iv  th'  time  I'm  in  the  back  room 
in  th'  ar-rms  iv  Or-rphyus,  as  Hogan  says. 
Th'  Presidint  is  as  welcome  as  anny  ray- 
spictable  marrid  man.  I  will  give  him  a  chat 
an'  a  dhrink  Pr  fifteen  cints ;  an',  as  we're 
not,  as  a  frind  iv  mine  in  th'  grocery  an' 
pothry  business  says,  intirely  a  commercial 
an*  industhreel  nation,  if  he  has  th'  Sicrety 
iv  th'  Threasury  with  him,  I'll  give  thim  two 
f 'r  twinty-five  cints,  which  is  th'  standard  iv 


82  MR.  DOOLEY 

value  among  civilized  nations  th'  wurruld 
over.  Prisidint  iv  th'  United  States,  says 
ye?  Well,  Fm  prisidint  iv  this  liquor  store, 
fr'm  th'  pitcher  iv  th'  Chicago  fire  above  th' 
wash-stand  in  th'  back  room  to  th'  dure-step. 
Beyond  that  belongs  to  th'  polisman  on  th' 
bate.  An  Amurrican's  home,  as  wan  iv  th' 
potes  says,  is  his  castle  till  th'  morgedge 
falls  due.  An'  divvle  a  fut  will  I  put  out  iv 
this  dure  to  see  e'er  a  prisidint,  prince,  or 
potentate,  fr'm  th'  czar  iv  Rooshia  to  th' 
king  iv  Chiny.  There's  Prisidint  Mack  at 
th'  Audjiotoroom,  an'  here's  Prisidint  Dooley 
at  nine-double-naught-nine,  an'  th'  len'th  iv 
th'  sthreet  between  thim.  Says  he,  '  Come 
over  to  th'  hotel  an'  see  me.'  Says  I,  c  If 
ye  find  ye'ersilf  thrun  fr'm  a  ca-ar  in  me 
neighborhood,  dhrop  in.'  An'  there  ye 
ar-re. 

"  I  may  niver  see  him.  I  may  go  to  me 
grave  without  gettin'  an'  eye  on  th'  wan 
man  besides  mesilf  that  don't  know  what  th' 
furrin'  policy  iv  th'  United  States  is  goin'  to 
be.  An  he,  poor  man,  whin  some  wan  asts 


A  SPEECH  BY  THE  PRESIDENT  83 

him,  c  Did  ye  iver  meet  Dooley : '  '11  have  to 
say,  cNo,  I  had  th'  chanst  wanst,  but  me 
accursed  pride  kept  me  from  visitin'  him/ 

"  I  r-read  his  speeches,  though,  an*  know 
what  he's  doin'.  Some  iv  thim  ar-re  gr-reat. 
He  attinded  th'  banket  given  be  th'  Pros- 
purity  Brigade  at  th'  hotel  where  he's  stop- 
pin*.  'Twas  a  magnificent  assimblage  iv  th' 
laborin'  classes,  costin'  fifteen  dollars  a  plate, 
an'  on'y  disturbed  whin  a  well-to-do  gintle- 
man  in  th'  dhry-goods  business  had  to  be 
thrun  out  f'r  takin'  a  kick  at  a  waiter.  I 
r-read  be  th'  papers  that  whin  Mack  come 
in  he  was  rayceived  be  th'  gatherin'  with 
shouts  iv  approval.  Th'  proceeding  was 
opened  with  a  prayer  that  Providence  might 
r-remain  undher  th'  protection  iv  th'  admin- 
isthration.  Th'  Sicrety  iv  th'  Treasury  fol- 
lowed with  a  gran'  speech,  highly  commind- 
in'  th'  action  iv  th'  threasury  department 
durin'  th'  late  war ;  (  but,'  says  he,  ( I  can- 
not,' he  says,  c  so  far  forget  mesilf,'  he  says, 
*  as  not  to  mintion,'  he  says,  c  that,'  he  says, 
*if  it  hadn't  been  f'r  the  sublime  pathreetism 


84  MR.  DOOLEY 

an*  courage/  he  says, c  iv  th'  gintleman  whom 
we  honor,'  he  says,  <  in  puttin'  me  on  th1 
foorce/  he  says,  c  I  might  not  be  here  to- 
night/ he  says. 

"Th'  Sicrety  iv  th'  Threasury  was  fol- 
lowed be  th'  Gin'ral  Shafter.  c  Gintlemen/ 
says  he,  cit  gives  me/  he  says,  cgr-reat 
pleasure,'  he  says,  c  to  be  prisint  in  th'  mist 
iv  so  manny  an'  so  various  vittles,'  he  says. 
c  Iv  coorse/  he  says,  c  I  re-elize  me  own 
gr-reat  worth/  he  says ;  c  but/  he  says,  c  I 
wud  have  to  be  more  thin  human/  he  says, 
c  to  overlook  th'  debt  iv  gratichood/  he  says, 
cth'  counthry  owes/  he  says,  cto  th'  man 
whose  foresight,  wisdom,  an'  prudence 
brought  me  for-ard  at  such  an  opparchune 
time/  he  says.  c  Gintlemen/  he  says,  ( on- 
less  ye  have  lived  in  th'  buckboard  f'r 
months  on  th'  parched  deserts  iv  Cubia/ 
he  says,  c  ye  little  know  what  a  pleasure  it 
is/  he  says,  cto  dhrink/  he  says,  c  to  th' 
author  iv  our  bein'  here/  he  says.  An' 
Gin-ral  Miles  wint  out  an'  punched  th' 
bell-boy.  Mack  r-rose  up  in  a  perfect  hur- 


A  SPEECH  BY  THE  PRESIDENT  85 

cane  iv  applause,  an'  says  he,  c  Gintlemen/ 
he  says,  can'  fellow-heroes/  he  says,  cye 
do  me  too  much  honor/  he  says.  c  I  alone 
shud  not  have  th'  credit  iv  this  gloryous 
victhry.  They  ar-re  others/  [A  voice: 
'  Shafter.'  Another  voice  :  c  Gage.1  An- 
other voice :  c  Dooley.']  cBut  I  pass  to  a 
more  conganial  line  iv  thought/  he  says. 
c  We  have  just  emerged  fr'm  a  tumble  war/ 
he  says.  c  Again/  he  says,  cwe  ar-re  a  united 
union/  he  says.  c  No  north/  he  says,  c  no 
south,  no  east/  he  says,  c  no  west.  No  north 
east  a  point  east/  he  says.  c  Th'  inimies  iv 
our  counthry  has  been  cr-rushed/  he  says, c  or 
is  stuck  down  in  Floridy  with  his  rig'mint 
talkin'/  he  says,  c  his  hellish  docthrines  to 
th'  allygatars/  he  says.  c  Th'  nation  is 
wanst  more  at  peace  undher  th'  gran'  goold 
standard/  he  says.  c  Now/  he  says,  c  th' 
question  is  what  shall  we  do  with  th'  fruits 
iv  victhry?'  he  says.  [A  voice,  c  Can  thim.'] 
c  Our  duty  to  civilization  commands  us  to  be 
up  an'  doin'/  he  says.  cWe  ar-re  bound/ 
he  says,  c  to  —  to  re-elize  our  destiny,  what- 


86  MR.  DOOLEY 

iver  it  may  be/  he  says.  c  We  can  not  tur-rn 
back/  he  says,  c  th'  hands  iv  th'  clock  that, 
even  as  I  speak/  he  says,  cis  r-rushin' 
through  th'  hear-rts  iv  men/  he  says, 
c  dashin'  its  spray  against  th'  star  iv  liberty 
an'  hope,  an*  no  north,  no  south,  no  east, 
no  west,  but  a  steady  purpose  to  do  th'  best 
we  can,  considerin'  all  th'  circumstances  iv 
the  case/  he  says.  c  I  hope  I  have  made 
th'  matther  clear  to  ye/  he  says,  c  an',  with 
these  few  remarks/  he  says,  c  I  will  tur-rn 
th'  job  over  to  destiny/  he  says,  c  which  is 
sure  to  lead  us  iver  on  an'  on,  an'  back  an' 
forth,  a  united  an'  happy  people,  livin'/  he 
says,  cundher  an  administhration  that,  thanks 
to  our  worthy  Prisidint  an'  his  cap-ble  an' 
earnest  advisers,  is  second  to  none/  he  says." 

"What  do  you  think  ought  to  be  done 
with  th'  fruits  iv  victhry  ? "  Mr.  Hennessy 
asked. 

"  Well,"  said  Mr.  Dooley,  cc  if  'twas  up 
to  me,  I'd  eat  what  was  r-ripe  an'  give  what 
wasn't  r-ripe  to  me  inimy.  An'  I  guess 
that's  what  Mack  means." 


ON  THE  HERO  IN  POLITICS. 

"'Tis  as  much  as  a  man's  life  is  worth 
these  days,"  said  Mr.  Dooley,  "  to  have  a 
vote.  Look  here,"  he  continued,  diving 
under  the  bar  and  producing  a  roll  of  paper. 
"  Here's  th'  pitchers  iv  candy  dates  I  pulled 
down  fr'm  th'  windy,  an'  jus'  knowin'  they're 
here  makes  me  that  nervous  f 'r  th'  contints 
iv  th'  cash  dhrawer  I'm  afraid  to  tur-rn  me 
back  f 'r  a  minyit.  I'm  goin'  to  throw  thim 
out  in  th'  back  yard. 

"  All  heroes,  too,  Hinnissy.  They'se 
Mike  O'Toole,  th'  hero  iv  Sandago,  that 
near  lost  his  life  be  dhrink  on  his  way  to  th' 
arm'ry,  an'  had  to  be  sint  home  without  lavin' 
th'  city.  There's  Turror  Teddy  Mangan, 
th'  night  man  at  Flaher-ty's,  that  loaded  th' 
men  that  loaded  th'  guns  that  kilt  th'  mules 
at  Matoonzas.  There's  Hero  O'Brien,  that 
wud've  inlisted  if  he  hadn't  been  too  old,  an' 
th'  contractin'  business  in  such  good  shape. 
There's  Bill  Cory,  that  come  near  losin'  his 
life  at  a  cinematograph  iv  th'  battle  iv 


88  MR.  DOOLEY 

Manila.  They're  all  here,  bedad,  r-ready 
to  sarve  their  country  to  th'  bitter  end,  an* 
to  r-rush,  voucher  in  hand,  to  th'  city 
threasurer's  office  at  a  minyit's  notice. 

"  I  wint  to  a  hero  meetin'  th'  other  night, 
Hinnissy,  an'  that's  sthrange  f 'r  me.  Whin 
a  man  gets  to  be  my  age,  he  laves  th' 
shoutin'  f 'r  th'  youth  iv  th'  land,  onless  he 
has  a  pol-itical  job.  I  niver  had  a  job  but 
wanst.  That  was  whin  I  was  precin't  cap'n; 
an*  a  good  wan  I  was,  too.  None  betther. 
I'd  been  on  th'  cinthral  co-mity  to-day,  but 
f'r  me  losin'  ambition  whin  they  r-run  a 
man  be  th'  name  iv  Eckstein  f'r  aldherman. 
I  was  sayin',  Hinnissy,  whin  a  man  gets  to 
be  my  age,  he  ducks  pol-itical  meetin's,  an' 
r-reads  th'  papers  an'  weighs  th'  ividence  an' 
th'  argy mints, —  pro-argy mints  an'  con-argy- 
mints, —  an'  makes  up  his  mind  ca'mly,  an' 
votes  th'  Dimmycratic  ticket.  But  young 
Dorsey  he  med  me  go  with  him  to  th'  hero's 
meetin'  in  Finucane's  hall. 

"  Well,  sir,  there  was  O'Toole  an'  all  th' 
rest  on  th'  platform  in  unyform,  with  flags 


ON  THE  HERO  IN  POLITICS    89 

over  thim,  an'  the  bands  playin'  c  They'll  be 
a  hot  time  in  th'  ol'  town  to-night  again ' ; 
an'  th'  chairman  was  Plunkett.  Ye  know 
Plunkett :  a  good  man  if  they  was  no  gr-rand 
juries.  He  was  makin'  a  speech.  c  Whin  th' 
battle  r-raged,'  he  says,  c  an'  th'  bullets  fr'm 
th'  haughty  Spanyards'  raypeatin'  Mouser 
r-rifles,'  he  says,  f  where  was  Cassidy  ? '  he 
says.  c  In  his  saloon,'  says  I,  'in  I'mrald 
Av'noo,'  says  I.  (Thrue  f'r  ye,'  says  Plun- 
kett. cAn'  where,'  he  says,  cwas  our  can- 
dydate?'  he  says.  c  In  somebody  else's 
saloon,'  says  I.  c  No,'  says  he.  cWhin  th' 
Prisidint,'  he  says,  c  called  th'  nation  to 
ar-rms,'  he  says,  c  an'  Congress  voted  fifty 
million  good  bucks  f'r  th'  naytional  de- 
finse,'  he  says,  c  Thomas  Francis  Dorgan,' 
he  says,  c  in  that  minyit  iv  naytional  pearl,' 
says  he,  c  left  his  good  job  in  the  pipe-yard,' 
he  says,  can'  wint  down  to  th'  raycruitin' 
office,  an'  says,  "  How  manny  calls  f'r  vol- 
unteers is  out?"  he  says.  "Wan,"  says  th' 
officer.  "  Put  me  down,"  says  Dorgan, 
"f'r  th'  tenth  call,"  he  says.  This,  gintle- 


9o  MR.  DOOLEY 

men  iv  th'  foorth  precin't/  he  says,  :is 
Thomas  Francis  D organ,  a  man  who,  if 
ilicted/  he  says,  cvicthry'll  perch/  he  says, 
c  upon  our  banners/  he  says  ;  c  an'/  he  says, 
<  th'  naytional  honor  will  be  maintained/  he 
says,  c  in  th'  county  boord/  he  says. 

"  I  wint  out  to  take  th'  air,  an'  I  met  me 
frind  Clohessy,  th'  little  tailor  fr'm  Hal- 
sted  Sthreet.  Him  an'  me  had  a  shell  iv 
beer  together  at  th'  German's ;  an'  says 
I,  c  What  d'ye  think  iv  th'  heroes  ? '  I  says. 
c  Well/  says  he,  c  I  make  no  doubt  'twas 
brave  iv  D organ/  he  says,  c  f 'r  to  put  his 
name  in  f 'r  th'  tenth  call/  he  says  ;  c  but/  he 
says,  <  I  don't  like  Plunkett,  an'  it  seems  to 
me  a  man'd  have  to  be  a  hell  iv  a  sthrong 
man,  even  if  he  was  a  hero,  to  be  Plunkett's 
man,  an'  keep  his  hands  out  iv  ye'er  pock- 
ets/ he  says.  c  I'm  with  Clancy's  candy  date,' 
he  says.  c  He  niver  offered  to  enlist  for  th' 
war,'  he  says, c  but  'twas  Clancy  put  Terence 
on  th'  polis  foorce  an'  got  th'  school  f'r 
Aggie/  he  says. 

"That's  the  way  I  feel,"  said  Mr.  Hen- 


ON  THE  HERO  IN  POLITICS    91 

nessy.  "  I  wudden't  thrust  Plunkett  as  far 
as  I  cud  throw  a  cow  be  th'  tail.  If  Dorgan 
was  Clancy's  war  hero,  I'd  be  with  him." 

"  Annyhow,"  said  Mr.  Dooley,  "  mighty 
few  iv  th'  rale  heroes  iv  th'  war  is  r-runnin' 
f 'r  office.  Most  iv  thim  put  on  their  blue 
overalls  whin  they  was  mustered  out  an'  wint 
up  an'  ast  f'r  their  ol'  jobs  back  —  an'  some- 
times got  thim.  Ye  can  see  as  manny  as 
tin  iv  thim  at  the  rollin'-mills  definciin'  th' 
nation's  honor  with  wheelbahr's  an'  a  slag 
shovel." 


MR.  DOOLEY  IN  PEACE 


ON   NEW   YEAR'S   RESOLUTIONS. 

MR.  HENNESSY  looked  out  at  the  rain 
dripping  down  in  Archey  Road,  and  sighed, 
"A-ha,  'tis  a  bad  spell  iv  weather  we're 
havin'." 

"  Faith,  it  is,"  said  Mr.  Dooley,  "  or  else 
w?  mind  it  more  thin  we  did.  I  can't  re- 
number wan  day  fr'm  another.  Whin  I  was 
yoing,  I  niver  thought  iv  rain  or  snow,  cold 
or  heat.  But  now  th'  heat  stings  an'  th' 
coll  wrenches  me  bones ;  an',  if  I  go  out  in 
th'  ain  with  less  on  me  thin  a  ton  iv  rubber, 
I'llpay  dear  f'r  it  in  achin' j'ints,  so  I  will. 
That's  what  old  age  means ;  an'  now  another 
year  has  been  put  on  to  what  we  had  before, 
an'  \e're  expected  to  be  gay.  c  Ring  out  th' 
old,3  says  a  guy  at  th'  Brothers'  School. 
f  Rir*  out  th'  old,  ring  in  th'  new,'  he  says. 
c  Rirr  out  th'  false,  ring  in  th'  thrue,'  says 
he.  It's  a  pretty  sintimint,  Hinnissy ;  but 
howir-re  we  goin'  to  do  it?  Nawthin'd 
pleas  me  betther  thin  to  turn  me  back  on 
th'  vscked  an'  ingloryous  past,  rayform  me 


96  MR.  DOOLEY 

life,  an*  live  at  peace  with  th'  wurruld  to  th' 
end  iv  me  days.  But  how  th'  diwle  can  I 
do  it  ?  As  th'  fellow  says,  c  Can  th'  leopard 
change  his  spots/  or  can't  he  ? 

f<  You  know  Dorsey,  iv  coorse,  th'  cross- 
eyed May-o  man  that  come  to  this  counthry 
about  wan  day  in  advance  iv  a  warrant  f 'r 
sheep-stealin'  ?  Ye  know  what  he  done  to 
me,  tellin'  people  I  was  caught  in  me  cellar 
poorin'  wather  into  a  bar'l?  Well,  last 
night  says  I  to  mesilf,  thinkin'  iv  Dorsey,  I 
says :  c  I  swear  that  henceforth  I'll  keep  me 
temper  with  me  fellow-men.  I'll  not  let 
anger  or  jealousy  get  th*  betther  iv  me,'  I 
says.  c  I'll  lave  off  all  me  old  feuds  ;  an'  if 
I  meet  me  inimy  goin'  down  th'  sthreet,  I'll 
go  up  an'  shake  him  be  th'  hand,  if  I'm  sure 
he  hasn't  a  brick  in  th'  other  hand.'  Oh,  I 
was  mighty  compliminthry  to  mesilf.  I  set 
be  th'  stove  dhrinkin'  hot  wans,  an'  ivry 
wan  I  dhrunk  made  me  more  iv  a  pote. 
'Tis  th'  way  with  th'  stuff.  Whin  I'm  in 
dhrink,  I  have  manny  a  fine  thought ;  an',  if 
I  wasn't  too  comfortable  to  go  an'  look  f 'r 


NEW  YEAR'S  RESOLUTIONS   97 

th'  ink-bottle,  I  cud  write  pomes  that'd  make 
Shakespeare  an*  Mike  Scanlan  think  they 
were  wur-rkin'  on  a  dredge.  'Why,'  says 
I,  c  carry  into  th'  new  year  th'  hathreds  iv  th' 
old  ? '  I  says.  c  Let  th'  dead  past  bury  its 
dead,'  says  I.  cTur-rn  ye'er  lamps  up  to 
th'  blue  sky,'  I  says.  (It  was  rainin'  like  th' 
diwle,  an'  th'  hour  was  midnight ;  but  I  give 
no  heed  to  that,  bein*  comfortable  with  th' 
hot  wans.)  An'  I  wint  to  th'  dure,  an',  whin 
Mike  Duffy  come  by  on  number  wan  hun- 
dherd  an'  five,  ringin'  th'  gong  iv  th'  ca-ar,  I 
hollered  to  him  :  c  Ring  out  th'  old,  ring  in 
th'  new.'  c  Go  back  into  ye'er  stall,'  he  says, 
can'  wring  ye'ersilf  out,'  he  says.  c  Ye'er 
wet  through,'  he  says. 

cc  Whin  I  woke  up  this  mornin',  th'  pothry 
had  all  disappeared,  an'  I  begun  to  think  th' 
las'  hot  wan  I  took  had  somethin'  wrong 
with  it.  Besides,  th'  lumbago  was  grippin' 
me  till  I  cud  hardly  put  wan  foot  before  th' 
other.  But  I  remimbered  me  promises  to 
mesilf,  an'  I  wint  out  on  th'  sthreet,  intindin' 
to  wish  ivry  wan  a  c  Happy  New  Year,'  an' 


98  MR.  DOOLEY 

hopin'  in  me  hear-rt  that  th'  first  wan  I 
wished  it  to'd  tell  me  to  go  to  th'  diwle,  so 
I  cud  hit  him  in  th'  eye.  I  hadn't  gone 
half  a  block  before  I  spied  Dorsey  acrost  th' 
sthreet.  I  picked  up  a  half  a  brick  an'  put 
it  in  me  pocket,  an'  Dorsey  done  th'  same. 
Thin  we  wint  up  to  each  other.  c  A  Happy 
New  Year/  says  I.  cTh'  same  to  you/ 
says  he,  c  an'  manny  iv  thim/  he  says.  c  Ye 
have  a  brick  in  ye'er  hand/  says  I.  c  I  was 
thinkin'  iv  givin'  ye  a  New  Year's  gift/  says 
he.  c  Th'  same  to  you,  an'  manny  iv  thim/ 
says  I,  fondlin'  me  own  ammunition.  ( 'Tis 
even  all  around/  says  he.  c  It  is/  says  I. 
c  I  was  thinkin'  las'  night  I'd  give  up  me 
gredge  again  ye/  says  he.  c  I  had  th'  same 
thought  mesilf/  says  I.  c  But,  since  I  seen 
ye'er  face/  he  says,  c  I've  con-eluded  that  I'd 
be  more  comfortable  hatin'  ye  thin  havin'  ye 
f 'r  a  frind/  says  he.  c  Ye're  a  man  iv  taste/ 
says  I.  An'  we  backed  away  fr'm  each 
other.  He's  a  Tip,  an'  can  throw  a  stone 
like  a  rifleman ;  an',  Hinnissy,  I'm  some- 
thin'  iv  an  amachoor  shot  with  a  half-brick 
mesilf. 


NEW  YEAR'S  RESOLUTIONS    99 

"Well,  I've  been  thinkin'  it  over,  an' 
I've  argied  it  out  that  life'd  not  be  worth 
livin'  if  we  didn't  keep  our  inimies.  I  can 
have  all  th'  frinds  I  need.  Anny  man  can 
that  keeps  a  liquor  sthore.  But  a  rale 
sthrong  inimy,  specially  a  May-o  inimy, — 
wan  that  hates  ye  ha-ard,  an'  that  ye'd  take 
th'  coat  off  yer  back  to  do  a  bad  tur-rn  to, — 
is  a  luxury  that  I  can't  go  without  in  me  ol' 
days.  Dorsey  is  th'  right  sort.  I  can't  go 
by  his  house  without  bein'  in  fear  he'll  spill 
th'  chimbly  down  on  me  head ;  an',  whin  he 
passes  my  place,  he  walks  in  th'  middle  iv 
th'  sthreet,  an'  crosses  himsilf.  I'll  swear 
off  on  annything  but  Dorsey.  He's  a  good 
man,  an'  I  despise  him.  Here's  long  life  to 
him." 


ON  GOLD-SEEKING. 

"  WELL,  sir,"  said  Mr.  Hennessy,  "  that 
Alaska's  th'  gr-reat  place.  I  thought  'twas 
nawthin'  but  an  iceberg  with  a  few  seals 
roostin'  on  it,  an*  wan  or  two  hundherd  Ohio 
politicians  that  can't  be  killed  on  account  iv 
th'  threaty  iv  Pawrs.  But  here  they  tell  me 
'tis  fairly  smothered  in  goold.  A  man  stubs 
his  toe  on  th'  ground,  an  lifts  th'  top  off  iv  a 
goold  mine.  Ye  go  to  bed  at  night,  an'  wake 
up  with  goold  fillin'  in  ye'er  teeth." 

"Yes,"  said  Mr.  Dooley,  "Clancy's  son 
was  in  here  this  mornin',  an'  he  says  a  frind 
iv  his  wint  to  sleep  out  in  th'  open  wan 
night,  an'  whin  he  got  up  his  pants  assayed 
four  ounces  iv  goold  to  th'  pound,  an'  his 
whiskers  panned  out  as  much  as  thirty  dol- 
lars net." 

"  If  I  was  a  young  man  an'  not  tied  down 
here,"  said  Mr.  Hennessy,  "  I'd  go  there :  I 
wud  so." 

"  I  wud  not,"  said  Mr.  Dooley.  "  Whin 
I  was  a  young  man  in  th'  ol'  counthry,  we 


ON  GOLD-SEEKING          101 

heerd  th'  same  story  about  all  America. 
We  used  to  set  be  th'  tur-rf  fire  o'  nights,, 
kickin'  our  bare  legs  on  th'  flure  an'  wishin' 
we  was  in  New  York,  where  all  ye  had  to  do 
was  to  hold  ye'er  hat  an*  th'  goold  guineas'd 
dhrop  into  it.  An'  whin  I  got  to  be  a  man, 
I  come  over  here  with  a  ham  and  a  bag  iv 
oatmeal,  as  sure  that  I'd  return  in  a  year  with 
money  enough  to  dhrive  me  own  ca-ar  as  I 
was  that  me  name  was  Martin  Dooley.  An' 
that  was  a  cinch. 

"  But,  faith,  whin  I'd  been  here  a  week,  I 
seen  that  there  was  nawthin'  but  mud 
undher  th'  pavement, —  I  larned  that  be 
means  iv  a  pick-axe  at  tin  shillin's  th'  day, — 
an'  that,  though  there  was  plenty  iv  goold, 
thim  that  had  it  were  froze  to  it ;  an'  I  come 
west,  still  lookin'  f 'r  mines.  Th'  on'y  mine 
I  sthruck  at  Pittsburgh  was  a  hole  f 'r  sewer 
pipe.  I  made  it.  Siven  shillin's  th'  day. 
Smaller  thin  New  York,  but  th'  livin'  was 
cheaper,  with  Mon'gahela  rye  at  five  a  throw, 
put  ye'er  hand  around  th'  glass. 

"  I    was  still  dreamin'  goold,  an*  I  wint 


102  MR.  DOOLEY 

down  to  Saint  Looey.  Th'  nearest  I  come 
to  a  fortune  there  was  findin'  a  quarther  on 
th'  sthreet  as  I  leaned  over  th'  dashboord  iv 
a  car  to  whack  th'  off  mule.  Whin  I  got  to 
Chicago,  I  looked  around  f  'r  the  goold  mine. 
They  was  Injuns  here  thin.  But  they  wasn't 
anny  mines  I  cud  see.  They  was  mud  to 
be  shovelled  an'  dhrays  to  be  dhruv  an'  beats 
to  be  walked.  I  choose  th'  dhray ;  f 'r  I  was 
niver  cut  out  f 'r  a  copper,  an'  I'd  had  me 
fill  iv  excavatin'.  An'  I  dhruv  th'  dhray 
till  I  wint  into  business. 

"  Me  experyence  with  goold  minin'  is  it's 
always  in  th'  nex'  county.  If  I  was  to  go 
to  Alaska,  they'd  tell  me  iv  th'  finds  in  See- 
berya.  So  I  think  I'll  stay  here.  I'm  a 
silver  man,  annyhow ;  an'  I'm  contint  if  I  can 
see  goold  wanst  a  year,  whin  some  promi- 
nent citizen  smiles  over  his  newspaper.  I'm 
thinkin'  that  ivry  man  has  a  goold  mine 
undher  his  own  dure-step  or  in  his  neighbor's 
pocket  at  th'  farthest." 

"Well,  annyhow,"  said  Mr.  Hennessy, 
"  I'd  like  to  kick  up  th'  sod,  an'  find  a  ton 
iv  goold  undher  me  fut." 


ON  GOLD-SEEKING          103 

%c  What  wud  ye  do  if  ye  found  it  ? "  de- 
manded Mr.  Dooley. 

"I  —  I  dinnaw,"  said  Mr.  Hennessy, 
whose  dreaming  had  not  gone  this  far. 
Then,  recovering  himself,  he  exclaimed  with 
great  enthusiasm,  "  I'd  throw  up  me  job  an* 
—  an'  live  like  a  prince." 

"  I  tell  ye  what  ye'd  do,"  said  Mr.  Dooley. 
"Ye'd  come  back  here  an'  sthrut  up  an' 
down  th'  sthreet  with  ye'er  thumbs  in  ye'er 
armpits ;  an'  ye'd  dhrink  too  much,  an'  ride 
in  sthreet  ca-ars.  Thin  ye'd  buy  foldin' 
beds  an'  piannies,  an*  start  a  reel  estate 
office.  Ye'd  be  fooled  a  good  deal  an' 
lose  a  lot  iv  ye'er  money,  an'  thin  ye'd 
tighten  up.  Ye'd  be  in  a  cold  fear  night 
an'  day  that  ye'd  lose  ye'er  fortune.  Ye'd 
wake  up  in  th'  middle  iv  th'  night,  dhreamin' 
that  ye  was  back  at  th'  gas-house  with  ye'er 
money  gone.  Ye'd  be  prisidint  iv  a  chari- 
table society.  Ye'd  have  to  wear  ye'er  shoes 
in  th'  house,  an'  ye'er  wife'd  have  ye  around 
to  rayciptions  an  dances.'  Ye'd  move  to 
Mitchigan  Avnoo,  an'  ye'd  hire  a  coachman 


104  MR.  DOOLEY 

that'd  laugh  at  ye.  Ye'er  boys'd  be  joods 
an*  ashamed  iv  ye,  an*  ye'd  support  ye'er 
daughters*  husbands.  Ye'd  rackrint  ye'er 
tinants  an'  lie  about  ye'er  taxes.  Ye'd  go 
back  to  Ireland  on  a  visit,  an'  put  on  airs 
with  ye'er  cousin  Mike.  Ye'd  be  a  mane, 
close-fisted,  onscrupulous  ol'  curmudgeon; 
an',  whin  ye'd  die,  it'd  take  half  ye'er  fortune 
f'r  rayqueems  to  put  ye  r-right.  I  don't 
want  ye  iver  to  speak  to  me  whin  ye  get 
rich,  Hinnissy." 

"  I  won't,"  said  Mr.  Hennessy. 


ON  BOOKS. 

u  IVRY  time  I  pick  up  me  mornin'  paper 
to  see  how  th'  scrap  come  out  at  Batthry 
D,"  said  Mr.  Dooley,",  "  th'  first  thing  I 
r-run  acrost  is  somethin'  like  this:  CA  hot 
an'  handsome  gift  f'r  Christmas  is  Lucy 
Ann  Patzooni's  "Jims  iv  Englewood 
Thought"';  or  c  If  ye  wud  delight  th' 
hear-rt  iv  yer  child,  ye'll  give  him  Dr.  Har- 
per's monymental  histhry  iv  th'  Jewish 
thribes  fr'm  Moses  to  Dhryfuss '  or  c  Ivry- 
body  is  r-readin*  Roodyard  Kiplin's  "  Busy 
Pomes  f'r  Busy  People."'  Th'  idee  iv 
givin'  books  f'r  Christmas  prisints  whin 
th'  stores  are  full  iv  tin  hor-rns  an'  dhrums 
an'  boxin'  gloves  an  choo-choo  ca-ars ! 
People  must  be  crazy." 

"They  ar-re,"  said  Mr.  Hennessy.  "  My 
house  is  so  full  iv  books  ye  cudden't  tur-rn 
around  without  stumblin'  over  thim.  I 
found  th'  life  iv  an  ex-convict,  the  c  Pris- 
oner iv  Zinders,'  in  me  high  hat  th'  other 
day,  where  Mary  Ann  was  hidin'  it  fr'm  her 


106  MR.  DOOLEY 

sister.  Instead  iv  th'  chidher  fightin'  an* 
skylarkin'  in  th'  evening  they're  settin' 
around  th'  table  with  their  noses  glued  into 
books.  Th'  ol'  woman  doesn't  read,  but 
she  picks  up  what's  goin'  on.  'Tis  c  Hono- 
ria,  did  Lor-rd  What's-his-name  marry  th' 
fair  Aminta  ? '  or  c  But  that  Lady  Jane  was 
a  case.'  An'  so  it  goes.  There's  no  injy- 
mint  in  th'  house,  an'  they're  usin'  me  cra- 
vats f 'r  bookmarks." 

"  'Tis  all  wrong,"  said  Mr.  Dooley. 
"They're  on'y  three  books  in  th'  wurruld 
worth  readin', —  Shakespeare,  th'  Bible,  an' 
Mike  Ahearn's  histhry  iv  Chicago.  I  have 
Shakespeare  on  thrust,  Father  Kelly  r-reads 
th'  Bible  f 'r  me,  an'  I  didn't  buy  Mike 
Ahearn's  histhry  because  I  seen  more  thin 
he  cud  put  into  it.  Books  is  th'  roon  iv 
people,  specially  novels.  Whin  I  was  a 
young  man,  th'  parish  priest  used  to  preach 
again  thim ;  but  nobody  knowed  what  he 
meant.  At  that  time  Willum  Joyce  had  th' 
on'y  library  in  th'  Sixth  Wa-ard.  Th'  mayor 
give  him  th'  bound  volumes  iv  th'  council 


ON  BOOKS  107 

proceedings,  an*  they  was  a  very  handsome 
set.  Th'  on'y  books  I  seen  was  th'  kind 
that  has  th'  life  iv  th'  pope  on  th'  outside 
an*  a  set  iv  dominos  on  th'  inside.  They're 
good  readin'.  Nawthin'  cud  be  better  f  'r  a 
man  whin  he's  tired  out  afther  a  day's  wurruk 
thin  to  go  to  his  library  an'  take  down  wan 
iv  th'  gr-reat  wurruks  iv  lithratchoor  an' 
play  a  game  iv  dominos  f 'r  th'  dhrinks  out 
iv  it.  Anny  other  kind  iv  r-readin',  barrin* 
th'  newspapers,  which  will  niver  hurt  anny 
onedycated  man,  is  desthructive  iv  morals. 
"  I  had  it  out  with  Father  Kelly  th'  other 
day  in  this  very  matther.  He  was  comin' 
up  fr'm  down  town  with  an  ar-rmful  iv 
books  f 'r  prizes  at  th'  school.  c  Have  ye  th' 
Key  to  Heaven  there  ? '  says  I.  c  No/  says 
he, c  th'  childher  that'll  get  these  books  don't 
need  no  key.  They  go  in  under  th'  turn- 
stile,' he  says,  laughin'.  c  Have  ye  th'  Lives 
iv  th'  Saints,  or  the  Christyan  Booty,  or 
th'  Story  iv  Saint  Rose  iv  Lima  ? '  I  says. 
c  I  have  not,'  says  he.  c  I  have  some  good 
story  books.  I'd  rather  th'  kids'd  r-read 


io8  MR.  DOOLEY 

Char-les  Dickens  than  anny  iv  th'  tales  iv 
thim  holy  men  that  was  burned  in  ile  or  et 
up  be  lines/  he  says.  c  It  does  no  good  in 
these  degin'rate  days  to  prove  that  th'  best 
that  can  come  to  a  man  f'r  behavin'  himsilf 
is  to  be  cooked  in  a  pot  or  di-gisted  be  a 
line/  he  says.  c  Ye're  wrong/  says  I.  c  Beg- 
gin'  ye'er  riv'rince's  pardon,  ye're  wrong/  I 
says.  c  What  ar-re  ye  goin'  to  do  with  thim 
young  wans?  Ye're  goin'  to  make  thim 
near-sighted  an'  round-shouldered/  I  says. 
c  Ye're  goin'  to  have  thim  believe  that,  if  they 
behave  thimsilves  an'  lead  a  virchous  life, 
they'll  marry  rich  an'  go  to  Congress. 
They'll  wake  up  some  day,  an'  find  out  that 
gettin'  money  an  behavin'  ye'ersilf  don't  al- 
ways go  together/  I  says.  cSome  iv  th' 
wickedest  men  in  th'  wur-ruld  have  marrid 
rich/  I  says.  c  Ye're  goin'  to  teach  thim  that 
a  man  doesn't  have  to  use  an  ax  to  get  along 
in  th'  wur-ruld.  Ye're  goin'  to  teach  thim 
that  a  la-ad  with  a  curlin'  black  mustache  an' 
smokin'  a  cigareet  is  always  a  villyan,  whin 
he's  more  often  a  barber  with  a  lar-rge 


ON  BOOKS  109 

family.  Life,  says  ye  !  There's  no  life  in  a 
book.  If  ye  want  to  show  thim  what  life 
is,  tell  thim  to  look  around  thim.  There's 
more  life  on  a  Saturdah  night  in  th'  Ar-rchy 
Road  thin  in  all  th'  books  fr'm  Shakespeare 
to  th'  rayport  iv  th'  drainage  thrustees.  No 
man/  I  says,  c  iver  wrote  a  book  if  he  had 
annything  to  write  about,  except  Shakespeare 
an'  Mike  Ahearn.  Shakespeare  was  all 
r-right.  I  niver  read  anny  of  his  pieces, 
but  they  sound  good;  an*  I  know  Mike 
Ahearn  is  all  r-right.'  " 

"What  did  he  say?"  asked  Mr.  Hen- 
nessy. 

"He  took  it  all  r-right,"  said  Mr.  Dooley. 
"He  kind  o'  grinned,  an'  says  he:  'What 
ye  say  is  thrue,  an'  it's  not  thrue,'  he  says. 
'  Books  is  f 'r  thim  that  can't  injye  thim- 
silves  in  anny  other  way,'  he  says.  c  If  ye're 
in  good  health,  an'  ar-re  atin'  three  squares 
a  day,  an'  not  ayether  sad  or  very  much  in 
love  with  ye'er  lot,  but  just  lookin'  on  an' 
not  carin'  a '  —  he  said  rush  — c  not  carin'  a 
rush,  ye  don't  need  books,'  he  says.  c  But 


no  MR.  DOOLEY 

if  ye're  a  down-spirited  thing  an*  want  to  get 
away  an*  can't,  ye  need  books.  'Tis  betther 
to  be  comfortable  at  home  thin  to  go  to  th' 
circus,  an1  'tis  betther  to  go  to  th'  circus 
thin  to  r-read  anny  book.  But  'tis  betther 
to  r-read  a  book  thin  to  want  to  go  to  th' 
circus  an'  not  be  able  to,'  he  says.  'Well,' 
says  I,  ( whin  I  was  growin'  up,  half  th'  con- 
gregation heard  mass  with  their  prayer  books 
tur-rned  upside  down,  an'  they  were  as  pious 
as  anny.  Th'  Apostles'  Creed  niver  was  as 
con-vincin'  to  me  afther  I  larned  to  r-read 
it  as  it  was  whin  I  cudden't  read  it,  but  be- 
lieved it/  " 


ON   REFORM    CANDIDATES. 

"  THAT  frind  iv  ye'ers,  Dugan,  is  an  intil- 
Jigent  man,"  said  Mr.  Dooley.  "All  he 
needs  is  an  index  an*  a  few  illusthrations  to 
make  him  a  bicyclopedja  iv  useless  informa- 
tion." 

"Well,"  said  Mr.  Hennessy, judiciously, 
"he  ain't  no  Soc-rates  an'  he  ain't  no  an- 
swers-to-questions  colum ;  but  he's  a  good 
man  that  goes  to  his  jooty,  an'  as  handy  with 
a  pick  as  some  people  are  with  a  cocktail 
spoon.  What's  he  been  doin'  again  ye  ? " 

"Nawthin',"  said  Mr.  Dooley,  "but  he 
was  in  here  Choosday.  c  Did  ye  vote  ? ' 
says  I.  CI  did,'  says  he.  c  Which  wan  iv 
th'  distinguished  bunko  steerers  got  ye'er 
invalu'ble  suffrage  ? '  says  I.  *  I  didn't  have 
none  with  me,'  says  he,  cbut  I  voted  f'r 
Charter  Haitch,'  says  he.  c  I've  been  with 
him  in  six  ilictions,'  says  he,  can'  he's  a 
good  man,'  he  says.  c  D'ye  think  ye're 
votin'  f'r  th'  best?'  says  I.  cWhy,  man 
alive,'  I  says,  c  Charter  Haitch  was  assas- 


ua  MR.  DOOLEY 

sinated  three  years  ago/  I  says.  c  Was  he?' 
says  Dugan.  cAh,  well,  he's  lived  that 
down  be  this  time.  He  was  a  good  man/ 
he  says. 

"Ye  see,  that's  what  thim  rayform  lads 
wint  up  again.  If  I  liked  ray  formers,  Hin- 
nissy,  an*  wanted  f  'r  to  see  thim  win  out 
wanst  in  their  lifetime,  I'd  buy  thim  each  a 
suit  iv  chilled  steel,  ar-rm  thim  with  ray- 
peatin*  rifles,  an*  take  thim  east  iv  State 
Sthreet  an'  south  iv  Jackson  Bullyvard. 
At  prisint  th'  opinion  that  pre-vails  in  th' 
ranks  iv  th'  gloryous  ar-rmy  iv  ray-form  is 
that  there  ain't  annything  worth  seein'  in 
this  lar-rge  an'  commodyous  desert  but 
th'  pest-house  an'  the  bridewell.  Me  frind 
Willum  J.  O'Brien  is  no  ray  former.  But 
Willum  J.  undherstands  that  there's  a  few 
hundherds  iv  thousands  iv  people  livin'  in 
a  part  iv  th'  town  that  looks  like  naw- 
thin'  but  smoke  fr'm  th'  roof  iv  th'  Onion 
League  Club  that  have  on'y  two  pleasures 
in  life,  to  wur-ruk  an'  to  vote,  both  iv 
which  they  do  at  th'  uniform  rate  iv  wan 


ON  REFORM  CANDIDATES    113 

dollar  an*  a  half  a  day.  That's  why  Willum 
J.  O'Brien  is  now  a  sinitor  an'  will  be  an 
aldherman  afther  next  Thursdah,  an'  it's 
why  other  people  are  sinding  him  flowers. 

"  This  is  th'  way  a  rayform  candydate  is 
ilicted.  Th'  boys  down  town  has  heerd  that 
things  ain't  goin'  r-right  somehow.  Fran- 
chises is  bein*  handed  out  to  none  iv  thim ; 
an'  wanst  in  a  while  a  mimber  iv  th'  club, 
comin'  home  a  little  late  an'  thryin'  to  ricon- 
cile  a  pair  iv  r-round  feet  with  an  embroid- 
ered sidewalk,  meets  a  sthrong  ar-rm  boy 
that  pushes  in  his  face  an*  takes  away  all  his 
marbles.  It  begins  to  be  talked  that  th' 
time  has  come  f 'r  good  citizens  f 'r  to  brace 
up  an'  do  somethin',  an'  they  agree  to  nom- 
ynate  a  candydate  f 'r  aldherman.  c  Who'll 
we  put  up?'  says  they.  c  How's  Clarence 
Doolittle  ? '  says  wan.  c  He's  laid  up  with 
a  coupon  thumb,  an'  can't  r-run.'  cAn' 
how  about  Arthur  Doheny  ? '  '  I  swore  an 
oath  whin  I  came  out  iv  colledge  I'd  niver 
vote  f 'r  a  man  that  wore  a  made  tie.'  *  Well, 
thin,  let's  thry  Willie  Boye.'  <  Good,'  says 


ii4  MR.  DOOLEY 

th'  comity.  'He's  jus'  th'  man  f'r  our 
money/  An'  Willie  Boye,  after  thinkin'  it 
over,  goes  to  his  tailor  an'  ordhers  three 
dozen  pairs  iv  pants,  an'  decides  f 'r  to  be 
th'  sthandard-bearer  iv  th'  people.  Musin' 
over  his  fried  eyesthers  an'  asparagus  an'  his 
champagne,  he  bets  a  polo  pony  again  a 
box  of  golf-balls  he'll  be  ilicted  unanimous ; 
an'  all  th'  good  citizens  make  a  vow  f 'r  to 
set  th'  alar-rm  clock  f 'r  half-past  three  on 
th'  afthernoon  iv  iliction  day,  so's  to  be  up 
in  time  to  vote  f 'r  th'  riprisintitive  iv  pure 
gover'mint. 

"  'Tis  some  time  befure  they  comprehind 
that  there  ar-re  other  candy  dates  in  th'  field. 
But  th'  other  candydates  know  it.  Th' 
sthrongest  iv  thim  —  his  name  is  Flannigan, 
an'  he's  a  re-tail  dealer  in  wines  an'  liquors, 
an'  he  lives  over  his  establishment.  Flan- 
nigan was  nomynated  enthusyastically  at  a 
prim'ry  held  in  his  bar-rn ;  an'  befure  Willie 
Boye  had  picked  out  pants  that  wud  match 
th'  color  iv  th'  Austhreelyan  ballot  this 
here  Flannigan  had  put  a  man  on  th'  day 


ON  REFORM  CANDIDATES    115 

watch,  toF  him  to  speak  gently  to  anny  ray- 
gistered  voter  that  wint  to  sleep  behind  th' 
sthove,  an*  was  out  that  night  visitin'  his 
frinds.  Who  was  it  judged  th'  cake  walk  ? 
Flannigan.  Who  was  it  carrid  th'  pall? 
Flannigan.  Who  was  it  sthud  up  at  th' 
christening?  Flannigan.  Whose  ca-ards 
did  th'  grievin'  widow,  th'  blushin'  bride- 
groom, or  th'  happy  father  find  in  th'  hack  ? 
Flannigan's.  Ye  bet  ye'er  life.  Ye  see 
Flannigan  wasn't  out  f'r  th'  good  iv  th' 
community.  Flannigan  was  out  f'r  Flanni- 
gan an'  th'  stuff. 

"  Well,  iliction  day  come  around ;  an'  all 
th'  imminent  frinds  iv  good  gover'mint  had 
special  wires  sthrung  into  th'  club,  an'  waited 
f'r  th'  returns.  Th'  first  precin't  showed  28 
votes  f'r  Willie  Boye  to  14  f'r  Flannigan. 
c  That's  my  precin't,'  says  Willie.  c  I  won- 
dher  who  voted  thim  fourteen  ? '  c  Coach- 
men,' says  Clarence  Doolittle.  'There  are 
thirty-five  precin'ts  in  this  ward,'  says  th' 
leader  iv  th'  rayform  ilimint.  c  At  this  rate, 
I'm  sure  iv  440  meejority.  Gossoon,'  he 


n6  MR.  DOOLEY 

says,  c  put  a  keg  iv  sherry  wine  on  th'  ice/ 
he  says.  c  Well/  he  says,  c  at  last  th'  com- 
munity is  relieved  fr'm  misrule/  he  says. 
c  To-morrah  I  will  start  in  arrangin'  amind- 
mints  to  th'  tariff  schedool  an*  th'  ar-bitra- 
tion  threety/  he  says.  c  We  must  be  up  an' 
doin'/  he  says.  c  Hoi'  on  there/  says  wan 
iv  th'  comity.  c  There  must  be  some  mis- 
take in  this  fr'm  th'  sixth  precin't/  he  says. 
c  Where's  the  sixth  precin't  ? '  says  Clarence. 
*  Over  be  th'  dumps/  says  Willie.  c  I  told 
me  futman  to  see  to  that.  He  lives  at  th' 
cor-ner  iv  Desplaines  an  Bloo  Island  Av'noo 
on  Goose's  Island/  he  says.  c  What  does 
it  show  ? '  (  Flannigan,  three  hundherd  an' 
eighty-five;  Hansen,  forty-eight;  Schwartz, 
twinty  ;  O'Malley,  sivinteen  ;  Casey,  ten ; 
O'Day,  eight ;  Larsen,  five ;  O'Rourke, 
three ;  Mulcahy,  two  ;  Schmitt,  two ;  Molo- 
ney,  two;  Riordon,  two;  O'Malley,  two; 
Willie  Boye,  wan.'  c  Gintlemin/  says  Willie 
Boye,  arisin'  with  a  stern  look  in  his  eyes, 
c  th'  rascal  has  bethrayed  me.  Waither,  take 
th'  sherry  wine  off  th'  ice.  They'se  no 


ON  REFORM  CANDIDATES    117 

hope  f  'r  sound  financial  legislation  this  year. 
I'm  goin'  home/ 

"An',  as  he  goes  down  th'  sthreet,  he  hears 
a  band  play  an*  sees  a  procission  headed  be 
a  calceem  light ;  an',  in  a  carredge,  with  his 
plug  hat  in  his  hand  an*  his  di'mond  makin' 
th'  calceem  look  like  a  piece  iv  punk  in  a 
smoke-house,  is  Flannigan,  payin'  his  first 
visit  this  side  iv  th'  thracks." 


ON    PATERNAL   DUTY. 

"  I'M  havin'  a  time  iv  it  with  Terence," 
said  Mr.  Hennessy,  despondently. 

"What's  th'  la-ad  been  doin'?"  asked 
Mr.  Dooley. 

"  It  ain't  so  much  what  he's  doin',"  Mr. 
Hennessy  explained,  "as  what  he  ain't 
doin.'  He  ain't  stayin'  home  iv  nights,  an* 
he  ain't  wurrukin'  ;  but  he  does  be  out  on 
th'  corner  with  th'  Cromleys  an'  th'  rest, 
dancin'  jig  steps  an'  whistlin'  th'  c  Rogue's 
March '  whin  a  polisman  goes  by.  Sure,  I 
can  do  nawthin'  with  him,  f 'r  he's  that  kind 
an'  good  at  home  that  he'd  melt  th'  heart  iv 
a  man  iv  stone.  But  it's  gray  me  life  is, 
thinkin'  iv  what's  to  become  iv  him  whin 
he  gets  to  be  a  man  grown.  Ye're  lucky, 
Martin,  that  ye're  childless." 

"  Sure,  I  cudden't  be  anny  other  way,  an' 
hold  me  good  name,"  said  Mr.  Dooley. 
"  An',  whin  I  look  about  me  sometimes,  it's 
glad  I  am.  They'se  been  times,  perhaps  — 
But  lave  that  go.  Is  there  somethin'  in  th' 


ON  PATERNAL  DUTY        119 

air  or  is  it  in  oursilves  that  makes  th'  chil- 
dher  nowadays  turn  out  to  curse  th'  lives  iv 
thim  that  give  thim  life  ?  It  may  be  in  th' 
thrainin'.  Whin  I  was  a  kid,  they  were 
brought  up  to  love,  honor,  an'  respect  th' 
ol'  folks,  that  their  days  might  be  long  in 
th'  land.  Amen.  If  they  didn't,  th'  best 
they  cud  do  was  to  say  nawthin'  about  it. 
'Twas  th'  back  iv  th'  hand  an'  th'  sowl  iv 
th'  fut  to  th'  la-ad  that  put  his  spoon  first 
into  th'  stirabout.  Between  th'  whalin's  we 
got  at  school  h'isted  on  th'  back  iv  th'  big 
boy  that  was  bein'  thrainned  to  be  a  Christyan 
brother  an'  th'  thumpin's  we  got  at  home, 
we  was  kept  sore  an'  sthraight  fr'm  wan 
year's  end  to  another.  'Twas  no  mild  doses 
they  give  us,  ayether.  I  mind  wanst,  whin 
I  was  near  as  big  as  I  am  now,  I  handed 
back  some  onkind  re-emarks  to  me  poor 
father  that's  dead.  May  he  rest  in  peace, 
per  Dominum  !  He  must  iv  been  a  small 
man,  an*  bent  with  wurruk  an'  worry.  But 
did  he  take  me  jaw?  He  did  not.  He 
hauled  off,  an'  give  me  a  r-right  hook  where 


120  MR.  DOOLEY 

th'  bad  wurruds  come  fr'm.  I  put  up  a 
pretty  fight,  f'r  me  years;  but  th'  man 
doesn't  live  that  can  lick  his  own  father. 
He  rowled  me  acrost  an  oat-field,  an'  I  give 
up.  I  didn't  love  him  anny  too  well  f 'r 
that  lickin',  but  I  respected  him ;  an',  if 
he'd  come  into  this  place  to-night, —  an'  he'd 
be  near  a  hundherd :  he  was  born  in  th'  year 
'98,  an'  pikes  was  hid  in  his  cradle, — if  he 
come  in  here  to-night  an'  pulled  me  ear,  I'd 
fear  to  go  again  him.  I  wud  so. 

"  'Tis  th'  other  way  about  now.  Did  ye 
iver  know  a  man  be  th'  name  iv  Ahearn  ?  Ye 
did  not?  Well,  maybe  he  was  before  yer 
time.  He  was  a  cobbler  be  thrade  ;  but  he 
picked  up  money  be  livin'  off  iv  leather 
findings  an'  wooden  pegs,  an'  bought  pieces 
iv  th'  prairie,  an'  starved  an'  bought  more, 
an'  starved  an'  starved  till  his  heart  was 
shrivelled  up  like  a  washerwoman's  hand. 
But  he  made  money.  An'  th'  more  he  made, 
th'  more  he  wanted,  an',  wantin'  nawthin' 
more,  it  come  to  him  fr'm  the  divvle,  who 
kept  th'  curse  f'r  his  own  time.  This  man 


ON  PATERNAL  DUTY       121 

Ahearn,  whin  he  had  acres  an*  acres  on 
Halsted  Sthreet,  an'  tinants  be  th'  scoor  that 
prayed  at  nights  f'r  him  that  he  might  live 
long  an*  taste  sorrow,  he  marrid  a  girl. 
Her  name  was  Ryan,  a  little,  scared,  foolish 
woman ;  an*  she  died  whin  a  boy  was  bor-rn. 
Ahearn  give  her  a  solemn  rayqueem  high 
mass  an*  a  monument  at  Calv'ry  that  ye  can 
see  fr'm  th'  fun'ral  thrain.  An'  he  come 
fr'm  th'  fun'ral  with  th'  first  smile  on  his  face 
that  anny  man  iver  see  there,  an'  th'  baby  in 
his  ar-rms. 

"  I'll  not  say  Ahearn  was  a  changed  man. 
Th'  love  iv  money  was  knitted  into  his 
heart ;  an',  afther  th'  la-ad  come,  th'  way  he 
ground  th'  people  that  lived  in  his  house 
was  death  an'  destruction.  c  I  must  provide 
f'r  me  own,'  he  said.  But  thim  that  was 
kind  to  th'  kid  cud  break  th'  crust,  an'  all 
th'  r-rough,  hard-wurrkin'  tenants  paid  f'r 
th'  favors  he  give  to  th'  ol'  frauds  an'  be- 
guilin'  women  that  petted  Dan'l  O'Connell 
Ahearn.  Nawthin'  was  too  good  f'r  th'  kid. 
He  had  nurses  an'  servants  to  wait  on  him. 


122  MR.  DOOLEY 

He  had  clothes  that'd  stock  this  ba-ar  f  'r  a 
year.  Whin  he  was  old  enough,  he  was  sint 
to  Saint  Ignatyous.  An'  th'  ol'  man'd  take 
him  walkin'  on  a  Sundah,  an*  pint  out  th' 
rows  an*  rows  iv  houses,  with  th'  childher 
in  front  gazin'  in  awe  at  th'  great  man  an' 
their  fathers  glowerin'  fr'm  the  windows,  an' 
say,  c  Thim  will  all  be  yours  whin  ye  grow 
up,  Dan'l  O'Connell,  avick.' 

"  Well,  it  didn't  take  an  eye  iv  a  witch  to 
see  that  Dan'l  O'Connell  was  a  bor-rn  idjet. 
They  was  no  rale  harm  in  th'  poor  la-ad, 
on'y  he  was  lazy  an'  foolish  an'  sort  iv  tired 
like.  To  make  a  long  story  short,  Hin- 
nissy,  his  father  thried  ivry  thing  f 'r  him,  an' 
got  nawthin.'  He  didn't  dhrink  much,  he 
cared  little  f'r  women,  he  liked  to  play 
ca-ards,  but  not  f'r  money.  He  did 
nawthin'  that  was  bad ;  an'  yet  he  was  no 
good  at  all,  at  all, — just  a  slow,  tired,  aisy- 
goin',  shamblin'  la-ad, —  th'  sort  that'd 
wrench  th'  heart  iv  a  father  like  Ahearn. 
I  dinnaw  what  he  did  fin'lly,  but  wan  night 
he  come  into  my  place  an'  said  he'd  been 
turned  out  be  his  father  an'  wanted  a  place 


ON  PARENTAL  DUTY       123 

f'r  to  sleep.  c  Ye'll  sleep  at  home/  says  I. 
c  Ye'er  father  sh'd  take  shame  to  himsilf, — 
him  a  rich  man/  An*  I  put  on  me  coat,  an* 
wint  over  to  Ahearn's.  I  was  a  power  in 
th'  wa-ard  in  thim  days,  an'  feared  no  man 
alive.  Th'  oF  la-ad  met  us  at  th'  dure. 
Whin  I  started  to  speak,  he  blazed  up. 
c  Misther  Dooley,'  says  he,  c  my  sorrows  are 
me  own.  I'll  keep  thim  here.  As  f 'r  ye,' 
he  says,  an'  tur-rned  like  a  tiger  on  th'  boy 
an'  sthruck  him  with  his  ol'  leathery  hand. 
Th'  boy  stood  f 'r  a  minnyit,  an'  thin  walked 
out,  me  with  him.  I  niver  see  him  since. 
We  left  Ahearn  standin'  there,  as  we  used  to 
say  iv  th'  fox  in  th'  ol'  counthry,  cornered 
between  th'  river  an'  th'  wall." 

"  Ye're  lucky  to  be  alone,"  said  Mr.  Hen- 
nessy  as  he  left. 

"  I  think  so,"  said  Mr.  Dooley.  But 
there  was  no  content  upon  his  face  as  he 
watched  a  lounging  oaf  of  a  boy  catch  up 
with  Mr.  Hennessy,  exchange  a  curtly  affec- 
tionate greeting,  and  walk  over  to  where 
Mrs.  Hennessy  could  be  seen  reading  the 
"  Key  of  Heaven  "  beside  the  parlor  stove. 


ON   CRIMINALS. 

"  LORD  bless  my  sowl,"  said  Mr.  Dooley, 
<cchildher  is  a  gr-reat  risponsibility, — agr-reat 
risponsibility.  Whin  I  think  iv  it,  I  praise 
th'  saints  I  niver  was  married,  though  I  had 
opporchunities  enough  whin  I  was  a  young 
man ;  an1  even  now  I  have  to  wear  me  hat 
low  whin  I  go  down  be  Cologne  Sthreet  on 
account  iv  th'  Widow  Grogan.  Jawn,  that 
woman'll  take  me  dead  or  alive.  I  wake  up 
in  a  col1  chill  in  th'  middle  iv  th'  night, 
dhreamin'  iv  her  havin'  me  in  her  clutches. 

"  But  that's  not  here  or  there,  avick.  I 
was  r-readin'  in  th'  pa-apers  iv  a  lad  be  th' 
name  iv  Scanlan  bein'  sint  down  th'  short 
r-road  f 'r  near  a  lifetime ;  an'  I  minded  th' 
first  time  I  iver  see  him, —  a  bit  iv  a  curly- 
haired  boy  that  played  tag  around  me  place, 
an'  'd  sing  c  Blest  Saint  Joseph '  with  a  smile 
on  his  face  like  an  angel's.  Who'll  tell  what 
makes  wan  man  a  thief  an'  another  man  a 
saint?  I  dinnaw.  This  here  boy's  father 
wurrked  fr'm  morn  till  night  in  th'  mills, 


ON  CRIMINALS  125 

was  at  early  mass  Sundah  mornin'  before 
th'  alkalis  lit  th'  candles,  an'  niver  knowed 
a  month  whin  he  failed  his  jooty.  An'  his 
mother  was  a  sweet-faced  little  woman, 
though  fr'm  th'  County  Kerry,  that  nursed 
th'  sick  an'  waked  th'  dead,  an'  niver  had  a 
hard  thought  in  her  simple  mind  f 'r  anny 
iv  Gawd's  creatures.  Poor  sowl,  she's  dead 
now.  May  she  rest  in  peace  ! 

"He  didn't  git  th'  shtreak  fr'm  his  father 
or  fr'm  his  mother.  His  brothers  an'  sisters 
was  as  fine  a  lot  as  iver  lived.  But  this  la-ad 
Petey  Scanlan  growed  up  fr'm  bein'  a  curly- 
haired  angel  f 'r  to  be  th'  toughest  villyun  in 
th'  r-road.  What  was  it  at  all,  at  all  ?  Some- 
times I  think  they'se  poison  in  th'  life  iv  a 
big  city.  Th'  flowers  won't  grow  here  no 
more  thin  they  wud  in  a  tannery,  an'  th' 
bur-rds  have  no  song ;  an'  th'  childher  iv 
dacint  men  an'  women  come  up  hard  in  th' 
mouth  an'  with  their  hands  raised  again  their 
kind. 

"  Th'  la-ad  was  th'  scoorge  iv  th'  polis. 
He  was  as  quick  as  a  cat  an*  as  fierce  as  a 


126  MR.  DOOLEY 

tiger,  an'  I  well  raymimber  him  havin'  laid 
out  big  Kelly  that  used  to  thravel  this  post, 
— c  Whistlin' '  Kelly  that  kep'  us  awake  with 
imitations  iv  a  mockin'  bur-rd, —  I  well  ray- 
mimber him  scuttlin'  up  th'  alley  with  a  score 
iv  polismin  laborin'  afther  him,  thryin'  f  'r  a 
shot  at  him  as  he  wint  around  th'  bar-rns  or 
undher  th'  thrucks.  He  slep'  in  thj  coal- 
sheds  afther  that  until  th'  poor  ol'  man  cud 
square  it  with  th'  loot.  But,  whin  he  come 
out,  ye  cud  see  how  his  face  had  hardened  an' 
his  ways  changed.  He  was  as  silent  as  an 
animal,  with  a  sideways  manner  that  watched 
ivrything.  Right  here  in  this  place  I  seen 
him  stand  f  'r  a  quarther  iv  an'  hour,  not 
seemin'  to  hear  a  dhrunk  man  abusin'  him, 
an'  thin  lep  out  like  a  snake.  We  had  to 
pry  him  loose. 

"  Th'  ol'  folks  done  th'  best  they  cud  with 
him.  They  hauled  him  out  iv  station  an' jail 
an'  bridewell.  Wanst  in  a  long  while  they'd 
dhrag  him  off  to  church  with  his  head  down : 
that  was  always  afther  he'd  been  sloughed 
up  f 'r  wan  thing  or  another.  Between  times 


ON  CRIMINALS  127 

th'  polls  give  him  his  own  side  iv  th'  sthreet, 
an'  on'y  took  him  whin  his  back  was  tur-rned. 
Thin  he'd  go  in  the  wagon  with  a  mountain 
iv  thim  on  top  iv  him,  swayin'  an*  swearin' 
an*  sthrikin'  each  other  in  their  hurry  to  put 
him  to  sleep  with  their  clubs. 

"  I  mind  well  th'  time  he  was  first  took 
to  be  settled  f  'r  good.  I  heerd  a  noise  in  th' 
ya-ard,  an'  thin  he  come  through  th'  place 
with  his  face  dead  gray  an'  his  lips  just  a 
turn  grayer.  c  Where  ar-re  ye  goin',  Petey  ?' 
says  I.  *  I  was  jus'  takin'  a  short  cut  home/ 
he  says.  In  three  minyits  th'  r-road  was  full 
iv  polismin.  They'd  been  a  robbery  down 
in  Halsted  Sthreet.  A  man  that  had  a  gro- 
cery sthore  was  stuck  up,  an'  whin  he  fought 
was  clubbed  near  to  death  ;  an'  they'd  r-run 
Scanlan  through  th'  alleys  to  his  father's 
house.  That  was  as  far  as  they'd  go.  They 
was  enough  iv  thim  to've  kicked  down  th' 
little  cottage  with  their  heavy  boots,  but 
they  knew  he  was  standin'  behind  th'  dure 
with  th'  big  gun  in  his  hand ;  an',  though 
they  was  manny  a  good  lad  there,  they  was 
none  that  cared  f 'r  that  short  odds. 


128  MR.  DOOLEY 

"  They  talked  an'  palavered  outside,  an* 
telephoned  th'  chief  iv  polis,  an*  more  pa- 
throl  wagons  come  up.  Some  was  f 'r  settin' 
fire  to  th'  buildin',  but  no  wan  moved  ahead. 
Thin  th'  fr-ront  dure  opened,  an'  who  shud 
come  out  but  th'  little  mother.  She  was  thin 
an'  pale,  an'  she  had  her  apron  in  her  hands, 
pluckin'  at  it.  c  Gintlemin,'  she  says,  c  what 
is  it  ye  want  iv  me  ? '  she  says.  c  Liftinant 
Cassidy,'  she  says,  c  'tis  sthrange  f 'r  ye  that 
I've  knowed  so  long  to  make  scandal  iv  me 
before  me  neighbors,'  she  says.  f  Mrs.  Scan- 
Ian,'  says  he,  cwe  want  th'  boy.  I'm  sorry, 
ma'am,  but  he's  mixed  up  in  a  bad  scrape, 
an'  we  must  have  him,'  he  says.  She  made 
a  curtsy  to  thim,  an'  wint  indures.  'Twas 
less  than  a  minyit  before  she  come  out, 
clingin'  to  th'  la-ad's  ar-rm.  c  He'll  go,'  she 
says.  c  Thanks  be,  though  he's  wild,  they'se 
no  crime  on  his  head.  Is  there,  dear?' 
c  No,'  says  he,  like  th'  game  kid  he  is.  Wan 
iv  th'  polismin  stharted  to  take  hold  iv  him, 
but  th'  la-ad  pushed  him  back ;  an'  he  wint 
to  th'  wagon  on  his  mother's  ar-rm." 


ON  CRIMINALS  129 

"  And  was  he  really  innocent  ? "  Mr. 
McKenna  asked. 

"No,"  said  Mr.  Dooley.  "But  she 
niver  knowed  it.  Th'  ol'  man  come  home 
an*  found  her :  she  was  settin'  in  a  big  chair 
with  her  apron  in  her  hands  an  th'  picture 
iv  th'  la-ad  in  her  lap." 


ON   A   PLOT. 

"WELL,"  said  Mr.  Dooley,  "th'  Eur- 
opean situation  is  becomin'  a  little  gay." 

"  It  'tis  so,"  said  Mr.  Hennessy.  "  If  I 
was  conthrollin'  anny  iv  the  gr-reat  powers, 
I'd  go  down  to  th'  Phosphorus  an'  take  th' 
sultan  be  th'  back  iv  th'  neck  an'  give  him 
wan,  two,  three.  'Tis  a  shame  f ' r  him  to 
be  desthroyin'  white  people  without  anny 
man  layin'  hands  on  him.  Th'  man's  no 
frind  iv  mine.  He  ought  to  be  impeached 
an'  thrun  out." 

"Divvle  take  th'  sultan,"  said  Mr. 
Dooley.  "It's  little  I  care  f'r  him  or 
th'  likes  iv  him  or  th'  Ar-menyans  or  th' 
Phosphorus.  I  was  runnin'  over  in  me 
mind  about  th'  poor  lads  they  have  sloughed 
up  beyant  f'r  attimptin'  to  blow  up  Queen 
Victorya  an'  th  cza-ar  iv  Rooshia.  Glory 
be,  but  they'se  nawthin'  in  the  wide  wurruld 
as  aisy  to  undherstand  as  a  rivoluchonary 
plot  be  our  own  people.  You'll  see  a  lad  iv 
th'  right  sort  that'd  niver  open  his  head 


ON  A  PLOT  131 

fr'm  wan  end  iv  th'  year  to  th'  other ;  but, 
whin  he's  picked  out  to  go  on  a  mission  to 
London,  he  niver  laves  off  talkin'  till  they 
put  him  aboord  th'  steamer.  Here  was 
Tynan.  They  say  he  had  a  hand  in  sindin* 
Lord  Cavendish  down  th'  toboggan,  though 
I'd  not  thrust  his  own  tellin'  as  far  as  th' 
len'th  iv  me  ar-rm.  Now  he  figured  out 
that  th'  thrue  way  to  free  Ireland  was  to  go 
over  an'  blow  th'  windows  in  Winzer  Palace, 
an'  incidentally  to  hist  th'  queen  an*  th' 
Rooshian  cza-ar  without  th'  aid  iv  th'  ele- 
vator. What  this  here  Tynan  had  again  th' 
Rooshian  cza-ar  I  niver  heerd.  But  'twas 
something  awful,  ye  may  be  sure. 

"  Well,  th'  first  thing  th'  la-ads  done  was 
to  go  to  Madison  Square  Garden  an'  hold 
a  secret  meetin',  in  which  thim  that  was  to 
hand  th'  package  to  th'  queen  and  thim  that 
was  to  toss  a  piece  iv  gas  pipe  to  his  cza-ars 
was  told  off.  Thin  a  comity  was  sint  around 
to  th'  newspaper  offices  to  tell  thim  th'  ex- 
pedition was  about  to  start.  Th'  conspira- 
tors, heavily  disgeesed,  was  attinded  to  th' 


MR.  DOOLEY 

boat  be  a  long  procission.  First  come 
Tynan  ridin'  on  a  wagon-load  iv  nithro- 
glycerine;  thin  th'  other  conspirators,  with 
gas-pipe  bombs  an*  picks  an'  chuvvels  f'r 
tunnellin'  undher  Winzer  Castle;  thin 
th'  Ah-o-haitches ;  thin  th'  raypoorthers ; 
thin  a  brigade  iv  Scotland  Ya-ard  spies  in 
th'  ga-arb  iv  polismin.  An'  so  off  they 
wint  on  their  secret  mission,  with  th'  band 
playin'  cTh'  Wearin'  iv  th'  Green,'  an 
Tynan  standin'  on  th'  quarther  deck,  smilin' 
an'  bowin'  an'  wavin'  a  bag  iv  jint  powdher 
over  his  head. 

"  No  sooner  had  th'  conspirators  landed 
thin  th'  British  gover'mint  begun  to  grow 
suspicious  iv  thim.  Tynan  was  shadowed 
be  detictives  in  citizens'  clothes ;  an',  whin 
he  was  seen  out  in  his  backyard  practisin' 
blowin'  up  a  bar'l  that  he'd  dhressed  in  a 
shawl  an'  a  little  lace  cap,  th'  suspicions 
growed.  Ivrywhere  that  Tynan  wint  he 
was  purshooed  be  th'  minions  iv  tyranny. 
Whin  he  visited  th'  house  nex'  dure  to  th' 
queen's,  an'  unloaded  a  dhray  full  iv  ex- 


ON  A  PLOT  133 

plosives  an'  chuwels,  the  fact  was  rayported 
to  th'  polls,  who  become  exthremely  vigi- 
lant. Th'  detictives  followed  him  to  Scot- 
land Yard,  where  he  wint  to  inform  th' 
captain  iv  th'  conspiracy,  an'  overheard 
much  damming  ividence  iv  th'  plot  until 
they  become  more  an'  more  suspicious  that 
something  was  on,  although  what  was  th' 
intintions  iv  th'  conspirators  it  was  hard  to 
make  out  fr'm  their  peculiar  actions.  Whin 
Tynan  gathered  his  followers  in  Hyde  Park, 
an'  notified  thim  iv  the  positions  they  was 
to  take  and  disthributed  th'  dinnymite 
among  thim,  th'  detictives  become  decid- 
edly suspicious.  Their  suspicions  was  again 
aroused  whin  Tynan  asked  permission  iv  th' 
common  council  to  build  a  bay  window  up 
close  to  th'  queen's  bedroom.  But  th'  time 
to  act  had  not  come,  an'  they  continted  thim- 
selves  with  thrackin'  him  through  th'  sthreets 
an'  takin'  notes  iv  such  suspicious  remarks 
as  c  Anny  wan  that  wants  mementoes  iv  th' 
queen  has  on'y  to  be  around  this  neighbor- 
hood nex'  week  with  a  shovel  an'  a  basket,' 


134  MR.  DOOLEY 

an' c  Onless  ye  want  ye'er  clothes  to  be  spoiled 
be  th'  czar,  ye'd  best  carry  umbrellas/  On 
th'  followin'  day  Tynan  took  th'  step  that 
was  needed  f  'r  to  con-vince  th'  gover'mint 
that  he  had  designs  on  the  monarchs.  He 
wint  to  France.  It's  always  been  obsarved 
that,  whin  a  dinnymiter  had  to  blow  up 
annything  in  London,  he  laves  th'  counthry. 
Th'  polis,  now  thoroughly  aroused,  acted 
with  commindable  promptness.  They  ar- 
risted  Tynan  in  Booloon  f 'r  th'  murdher  iv 
Cavendish. 

"  Thus,"  said  Mr.  Dooley,  sadly,  "  thus 
is  th'  vengeance  f'r  which  our  beloved 
counthry  has  awaited  so  long  delayed  be  th' 
hand  iv  onscrupulious  tyranny.  Sthrive  as 
our  heroes  may,  no  secrecy  is  secure  against 
th'  corruption  iv  British  goold.  Oh,  Ire- 
land, is  this  to  be  thy  fate  forever  ?  Ar-re 
ye  niver  to  escape  th'  vigilance  iv  th'  polis, 
thim  cold-eyed  sleuths  that  seem  to  read  th' 
very  thoughts  iv  ye'er  pathriot  sons  ?  " 

"There  must  have  been  a  spy  in  th' 
ranks,"  said  Mr.  Hennessy. 


ON  A  PLOT  135 

"  Sure  thing,"  said  Mr.  Dooley,  winking 
at  Mr.  McKenna.  "  Sure  thing,  Hinnissy. 
Ayether  that  or  th'  accomplished  detictives 
at  Scotland  Yards  keep  a  close  watch  iv  the 
newspapers.  Or  it  may  be  —  who  knows  ?  — 
that  Tynan  was  indiscreet.  He  may  have 
dhropped  a  hint  of  his  intintions." 


ON   THE   NEW   WOMAN. 

"  MOLLY  DONAHUE  have  up  an*  become 
a  new  woman ! 

"  It's  been  a  good  thing  f 'r  ol'  man  Dona- 
hue, though,  Jawn.  He  shtud  ivry thing 
that  mortal  man  cud  stand.  He  seen  her 
appearin'  in  th'  road  wearin'  clothes  that 
no  lady  shud  wear  an'  ridin'  a  bicycle ;  he 
was  humiliated  whin  she  demanded  to  vote ; 
he  put  his  pride  under  his  ar-rm  an' 
ma-arched  out  iv  th'  house  whin  she  com- 
mitted assault-an'-batthry  on  th'  piannah. 
But  he's  got  to  th'  end  iv  th'  rope  now. 
He  was  in  here  las'  night,  how-come-ye-so, 
with  his  hat  cocked  over  his  eye  an'  a  look 
iv  risolution  on  his  face ;  an'  whin  he  left  me, 
he  says,  says  he,  c  Dooley,'  he  says, c  111  con- 
quir,  or  I'll  die,'  he  says. 

"  It's  been  comin  f 'r  months,  but  it  on'y 
bust  on  Donahue  las'  week.  He'd  come 
home  at  night  tired  out,  an'  afther  supper  he 
was  pullin'  off  his  boots,  whin  Mollie  an'  th' 
mother  begun  talkin'  about  th'  rights  iv 


ON  THE  NEW  WOMAN      137 

females.  c  'Tis  th'  era  iv  th'  new  woman/ 
says  Mollie.  c  Ye're  right/  says  th'  mother. 
c  What  d'ye  mean  be  the  new  woman  ? '  says 
Donahue,  holdin'  his  boot  in  his  hand.  c  Th' 
new  woman/  says  Mollie,  c  '11  be  free  fr'm 
th'  opprision  iv  man/  she  says.  c  She'll 
wurruk  out  her  own  way,  without  help  or 
hinderance/  she  says.  c  She'll  wear  what 
clothes  she  wants/  she  says, c  an'  she'll  be  no 
man's  slave/  she  says.  c  They'll  be  no  such 
thing  as  givin'  a  girl  in  marredge  to  a  clown 
an'  makin'  her  dipindant  on  his  whims,'  she 
says.  c  Th'  women'll  earn  their  own  livin'/ 
she  says  ;  f  an'  mebbe/  she  says,  c  th'  men'll 
stay  at  home  an'  dredge  in  th'  house  wurruk/ 
she  says.  c  A-ho/  says  Donahue.  c  An'  that's 
th'  new  woman,  is  it  ? '  he  says.  An'  he  said 
no  more  that  night. 

"  But  th'  nex'  mornin'  Mrs.  Donahue  an* 
Mollie  come  to  his  dure.  c  Get  up,'  says 
Mrs.  Donahue,  c  an'  bring  in  some  coal/  she 
says.  c  Ye  drowsy  man,  ye'll  be  late  f 'r  ye'er 
wurruk.'  (Diwle  th'  bit  iv  coal  I'll  fetch/ 
says  Donahue.  c  Go  away  an'  lave  me  alone/ 


138  MR.  DOOLEY 

he  says.  <lte>re  inthruptin'  me  dreams.' 
c  What  ails  ye,  man  alive  ? '  says  Mrs.  Dona- 
hue. c  Get  up.'  c  Go  away/  says  Donahue, 
c  an  lave  me  slumber/  he  says.  c  Th'  idee 
iv  a  couple  iv  big  strong  women  like  you 
makin'  me  wurruk  f  'r  ye/  he  says.  c  Mollie 
'11  bring  in  th'  coal/  he  says.  c  An'  as  f 'r 
you,  Honoria,  ye'd  best  see  what  there  is  in 
th'  cupboord  an'  put  it  in  ye'er  dinner-pail/ 
he  says.  '  I  heerd  th'  first  whistle  blow  a 
minyit  ago/  he  says  ;  c  an'  there's  a  pile  iv 
slag  at  th'  mills  that  has  to  be  wheeled  off 
befure  th'  sup'rintindint  comes  around/  he 
says.  c  Ye  know  ye  can't  afford  to  lose  ye'er 
job  with  me  in  this  dilicate  condition/  he 
says.  c  I'm  going  to  sleep  now/  he  says. 
cAn',  Mollie,  do  ye  bring  me  in  a  cup  iv 
cocoa  an'  a  pooched  igg  at  tin,'  he  says.  c  I 
ixpect  me  music-teacher  about  that  time. 
We  have  to  take  a  wallop  out  iv  Wagner 
an'  Bootoven  befure  noon.'  cTh'  Lord 
save  us  fr'm  harm,'  says  Mrs.  Donahue. 
cTh'  man's  clean  crazy.'  c  Divvle's  th'  bit/ 
says  Donahue,  wavin'  his  red  flannel  undher- 
shirt  in  th'  air.  c  I'm  the  new  man/  he  says. 


ON  THE  NEW  WOMAN      139 

"Well,  sir,  Donahue  said  it  flured  thim 
complete.  They  didn't  know  what  to  say. 
Mollie  was  game,  an*  she  fetched  in  th'  coal ; 
but  Mrs.  Donahue  got  nervous  as  eight 
o'clock  come  around.  cYe're  not  goin'  to 
stay  in  bed  all  day  an*  lose  ye'er  job/  she 
says.  cTh'  'ell  with  me  job/  says  Donahue. 
c  I'm  not  th'  man  to  take  wurruk  whin 
they'se  industhrees  women  with  nawthin'  to 
do,'  he  says.  c  Show  me  th'  pa-apers/  he 
says.  c  I  want  to  see  where  I  can  get  an 
eighty-cint  bonnet  f 'r  two  and  a  half.'  He's 
that  stubborn  he'd've  stayed  in  bed  all  day, 
but  th'  good  woman  weakened.  c  Come,' 
she  says,  c  don't  be  foolish/  she  says.  c  Ye 
wudden't  have  th'  ol'  woman  wurrukin'  in 
th'  mills/  she  says.  c  'Twas  all  a  joke,'  she 
says.  c  Oh-ho,  th'  ol'  woman ! '  he  says. 
*  Th'  ol'  woman !  Well,  that's  a  horse  iv 
another  color/  he  says.  'An'  I  don't  mind 
tellin'  ye  th'  mills  is  closed  down  to-day, 
Honoria.'  So  he  dhressed  himsilf  an'  wint 
out ;  an'  says  he  to  Mollie,  he  says :  (  Miss 
Newwoman/  says  he,  cye  may  find  wurruk 


140  MR.  DOOLEY 

enough  around  th'  house/  he  says.  cAn', 
if  ye  have  time,  ye  might  paint  th'  stoop/ 
he  says.  cTh'  ol'  man  is  goin'  to  take  th' 
oF  woman  down  be  Halsted  Sthreet'  an* 
blow  himsilf  f  'r  a  new  shawl  f  'r  her/ 

"  An*  he's  been  that  proud  iv  th'  victhry 
that  he's  been  a  reg'lar  customer  f'r  a 
week." 


ON   EXPERT  TESTIMONY. 

"ANNYTHING  new?"  said  Mr.  Hennessy, 
who  had  been  waiting  patiently  for  Mr. 
Dooley  to  put  down  his  newspaper. 

"  I've  been  r-readin'  th'  tistimony  iv  th' 
Lootgert  case,"  said  Mr.  Dooley. 

"What  d'ye  think  iv  it?" 

"  I  think  so,"  said  Mr.  Dooley. 

"Think  what?" 

"  How  do  I  know  ?  "  said  Mr.  Dooley. 
"  How  do  I  know  what  I  think?  I'm  no 
combi-nation  iv  chemist,  doctor,  osteologist, 
polisman,  an'  sausage-maker,  that  I  can  give 
ye  an  opinion  right  off  th'  bat.  A  man 
needs  to  be  all  iv  thim  things  to  detarmine 
annything  about  a  murdher  trile  in  these 
days.  This  shows  how  intelligent  our 
methods  is,  as  Hogan  says.  A  large  Ger- 
man man  is  charged  with  puttin'  his  wife 
away  into  a  breakfas'-dish,  an*  he  says  he 
didn't  do  it.  Th'  on'y  question,  thin,  is, 
Did  or  did  not  Alphonse  Lootgert  stick 
Mrs.  L.  into  a  vat,  an'  rayjooce  her  to  a 
quick  lunch  ?  Am  I  right  ? " 


142  MR.  DOOLEY 

"  Ye  ar-re,"  said  Mr.  Hennessy. 

"  That's  simple  enough.  What  th'  coort 
ought  toVe  done  was  to  call  him  up,  an'  say : 
c  Lootgert,  where's  ye'er  good  woman  ? '  If 
Lootgert  cudden't  tell,  he  ought  to  be  hanged 
on  gin'ral  principles ;  f  'r  a  man  must  keep 
his  wife  around  th'  house,  an'  whin  she  isn't 
there,  it  shows  he's  a  poor  provider.  But,  if 
Lootgert  says,  '  I  don't  know  where  me  wife 
is,'  the  coort  shud  say :  c  Go  out,  an'  find 
her.  If  ye  can't  projooce  her  in  a  week,  I'll 
fix  ye.'  An'  let  that  be  th'  end  iv  it. 

"  But  what  do  they  do  ?  They  get  Loot- 
gert into  coort  an'  stand  him  up  befure  a 
gang  iv  young  rayporthers  an'  th'  likes  iv 
thim  to  make  pitchers  iv  him.  Thin  they 
summon  a  jury  composed  iv  poor  tired, 
sleepy  expressmen  an'  tailors  an'  clerks. 
Thin  they  call  in  a  profissor  from  a  colledge. 
c  Profissor,'  says  th'  lawyer  f 'r  the  State,  c  I 
put  it  to  ye  if  a  wooden  vat  three  hundherd 
an'  sixty  feet  long,  twenty-eight  feet  deep,  an' 
sivinty-five  feet  wide,  an'  if  three  hundherd 
pounds  iv  caustic  soda  boiled,  an'  if  the  leg 


ON  EXPERT  TESTIMONY    143 

iv  a  guinea  pig,  an'  ye  said  yestherdah  about 
bi-carbonate  iv  soda,  an'  if  it  washes  up  an* 
washes  over,  an*  th'  slimy,  slippery  stuff,  an' 
if  a  false  tooth  or  a  lock  iv  hair  or  a  jawbone 
or  a  goluf  ball  across  th'  cellar  eleven  feet  nine 
inches  —  that  is,  two  inches  this  way  an'  five 
gallons  that  ? '  c  I  agree  with  ye  intirely,' 
says  th'  profissor.  c  I  made  lab'ratory  ex- 
periments in  an'  ir'n  basin,  with  bichloride 
iv  gool,  which  I  will  call  soup-stock,  an'  coal 
tar,  which  I  will  call  ir'n  filings.  I  mixed  th' 
two  over  a  hot  fire,  an'  left  in  a  cool  place  to 
harden.  I  thin  packed  it  in  ice,  which  I  will 
call  glue,  an*  rock-salt,  which  I  will  call  fried 
eggs,  an'  obtained  a  dark,  queer  solution  that 
is  a  cure  f 'r  freckles,  which  I  will  call  anti- 
mony or  doughnuts  or  annything  I  blamed 
please.' 

"'But,'  says  th'  lawyer  f'r  th'  State, 
*  measurin'  th'  vat  with  gas, —  an'  I  lave  it 
to  ye  whether  this  is  not  th'  on'y  fair  test, — 
an'  supposin*  that  two  feet  acrost  is  akel  to 
tin  feet  sideways,  an'  supposin'  that  a  thick 
green  an'  hard  substance,  an'  I  daresay  it 


144  MR.  DOOLEY 

wud;  an'  supposin'  you  may,  takin'  into 
account  th'  measuremints, —  twelve  be  eight, 
—  th'  vat  bein'  wound  with  twine  six  inches 
fr'm  th'  handle  an'  a  rub  iv  th'  green,  thin 
ar-re  not  human  teeth  often  found  in  coun- 
thry  sausage?'  c  In  th'  winter,'  says  th' 
profissor.  c  But  th'  sisymoid  bone  is  some- 
times seen  in  th'  fat,  sometimes  worn  as  a 
watch-charm.  I  took  two  sisymoid  bones, 
which  I  will  call  poker  dice,  an'  shook  thim 
together  in  a  cylinder,  which  I  will  call 
Fido,  poored  in  a  can  iv  milk,  which  I  will 
call  gum  arabic,  took  two  pounds  iv  rough- 
on-rats,  which  I  rayfase  to  call ;  but  th'  ray- 
suit  is  th'  same.'  Question  be  th'  coort: 
'Different?'  Answer:  <Yis.'  Th'  coort: 
<  Th'  same.'  Be  Misther  McEwen  :  'Whose 
bones?'  Answer:  'Yis.'  Be  Misther  Vin- 
cent :  c  Will  ye  go  to  th'  divvle  ? '  Answer : 
c  It  dissolves  th'  hair.' 

"  Now  what  I  want  to  know  is  where  th' 
jury  gets  off.  What  has  that  collection  iv 
pure-minded  pathrites  to  larn  fr'm  this  here 
polite  discussion,  where  no  wan  is  so  crool 


ON  EXPERT  TESTIMONY   145 

as  to  ask  what  anny  wan  else  means  ?  Thank 
th'  Lord,  whin  th'  case  is  all  over,  the  jury'll 
pitch  th'  tistimony  out  iv  th'  window,  an' 
consider  three  questions :  c  Did  Lootgert 
look  as  though  he'd  kill  his  wife  ?  Did  his 
wife  look  as  though  she  ought  to  be  kilt? 
Isn't  it  time  we  wint  to  supper?'  An', 
howiver  they  answer,  they'll  be  right,  an' 
it'll  make  little  difference  wan  way  or  th' 
other.  Th'  German  vote  is  too  large  an* 
ignorant,  anny  how." 


ON  THE  POPULARITY  OF 
FIREMEN. 

"I  KNOWED  a  man  be  th'  name  iv  Clancy 
wanst,  Jawn.  He  was  fr'm  th'  County 
May-o,  but  a  good  man  f'r  all  that;  an', 
whin  he'd  growed  to  be  a  big,  sthrappin' 
fellow,  he  wint  on  to  th'  fire  departmint. 
They'se  an  Irishman  'r  two  on  th'  fire  de- 
partmint an'  in  th'  army,  too,  Jawn,  though 
ye'd  think  be  hearin'  some  talk  they  was  all 
runnin'  prim'ries  an'  thryin'  to  be  cinthral 
comitymen.  So  ye  wud.  Ye  niver  hear  iv 
thim  on'y  whin  they  die ;  an'  thin,  murther, 
what  funerals  they  have  ! 

"Well,  this  Clancy  wint  on  th'  fire  de- 
partmint, an'  they  give  him  a  place  in  thruck 
twinty-three.  AH  th'  r-road  was  proud  iv 
him,  an*  faith  he  was  proud  iv  himsilf.  He 
r-rode  free  on  th'  sthreet  ca-ars,  an'  was  th' 
champeen  hand-ball  player  f'r  miles  around. 
Ye  shud  see  him  goin'  down  th'  sthreet,  with 
his  blue  shirt  an'  his  blue  coat  with  th'  but- 
tons on  it,  an'  his  cap  on  his  ear.  But  ne'er 


ON  FIREMEN  147 

a  cap  or  coat'd  he  wear  whin  they  was  a  fire. 
He  might  be  shiv'rin*  be  th'  stove  in  th' 
ingine  house  with  a  buffalo  robe  over  his 
head ;  but,  whin  th'  gong  sthruck,  'twas  off 
with  coat  an'  cap  an*  buffalo  robe,  an'  out 
come  me  brave  Clancy,  bare-headed  an'  bare 
hand,  dhrivin'  with  wan  line  an'  spillin'  th' 
hose  cart  on  wan  wheel  at  ivry  jump  iv  th' 
horse.  Did  anny  wan  iver  see  a  fireman 
with  his  coat  on  or  a  polisman  with  his  off? 
Why,  wanst,  whin  Clancy  was  standin'  up 
f  Jr  Grogan's  eighth,  his  son  come  runnin'  in 
to  tell  him  they  was  a  fire  in  Vogel's  packin' 
house.  He  dhropped  th'  kid  at  Father 
Kelly's  feet,  an*  whipped  off  his  long  coat 
an'  wint  tearin'  f 'r  th'  dure,  kickin'  over  th' 
poorbox  an'  buttin'  ol'  Mis'  O'Neill  that'd 
come  in  to  say  th'  stations.  'Twas  lucky 
'twas  wan  iv  th'  Grogans.  They're  a  fine 
family  f 'r  falls.  Jawn  Grogan  was  wurrukin' 
on  th'  top  iv  Metzri  an'  O'Connell's  brew- 
ery wanst,  with  a  man  be  th'  name  iv  Dor- 
sey.  He  slipped  an'  fell  wan  hundherd  feet. 
Whin  they  come  to  see  if  he  was  dead,  he 


148  MR.  DOOLEY 

got  up,  an*  says  he:  {  Lave  me  at  him.'  'At 
who  ? '  says  they.  c  He's  deliryous,'  they  says. 
cAt  Dorsey,'  says  Grogan.  c  He  thripped 
me/  So  it  didn't  hurt  Grogan's  eighth  to 
fall  four  'r  five  feet. 

"  Well,  Clancy  wint  to  fires  an*  fires. 
Whin  th'  big  organ  facthry  burnt,  he  car- 
rid  th'  hose  up  to  th'  fourth  story  an'  was 
squirtin'  whin  th'  walls  fell.  They  dug  him 
out  with  pick  an'  shovel,  an'  he  come  up 
fr'm  th'  brick  an'  boards  an'  saluted  th' 
chief.  (  Clancy,'  says  th'  chief,  c  ye  betther 
go  over  an'  get  a  dhrink.'  He  did  so,  Jawn. 
I  heerd  it.  An'  Clancy  was  that  proud ! 

"Whin  th'  Hogan  flats  on  Halsted  Sthreet 
took  fire,  they  got  all  th'  people  out  but  wan ; 
an'  she  was  a  woman  asleep  on  th'  fourth 
flure.  c  Who'll  go  up  ? '  says  Bill  Musham. 
c  Sure,  sir,'  says  Clancy,  c  I'll  go  ' ;  an'  up  he 
wint.  His  captain  was  a  man  be  th'  name 
iv  O'Connell,  fr'm  th'  County  Kerry ;  an' 
he  had  his  fut  on  th'  ladder  whin  Clancy 
started.  Well,  th'  good  man  wint  into  th' 
smoke,  with  his  wife  faintin'  down  below. 


ON  FIREMEN  149 

e  He'll  be  kilt/  says  his  brother.  c  Ye  don't 
know  him/  says  Bill  Musham.  An'  sure 
enough,  whin  ivry  wan'd  give  him  up,  out 
comes  me  brave  Clancy,  as  black  as  a  Turk, 
with  th'  girl  in  his  arms.  Th'  others  wini: 
up  like  monkeys,  but  he  shtud  wavin'  thim 
off,  an'  come  down  th'  ladder  face  forward. 
'  Where'd  ye  larn  that  ? '  says  Bill  Musham. 
c  I  seen  a  man  do  it  at  th'  Lyceem  whin  I 
was  a  kid,'  says  Clancy.  cWas  it  all  right?' 
c  I'll  have  ye  up  before  th'  ol'  man,'  says  Bill 
Musham.  c  I'll  teach  ye  to  come  down  a 
laddher  as  if  ye  was  in  a  quadhrille,  ye  horse- 
stealin',  ham-sthringin'  May-o  man,'  he  says. 
But  he  didn't.  Clancy  wint  over  to  see 
his  wife.  c  O  Mike,'  says  she,  ( 'twas  fine,' 
she  says.  c  But  why  d'ye  take  th'  risk  ? ' 
she  says.  c  Did  ye  see  th'  captain  ? '  he 
says  with  a  scowl.  c  He  wanted  to  go. 
Did  ye  think  I'd  follow  a  Kerry  man  with 
all  th'  ward  lukkin'  on  ? '  he  says. 

"Well,  so  he  wint  dhrivin'  th'  hose-cart 
on  wan  wheel,  an'  jumpin'  whin  he  heerd  a 
man  so  much  as  hit  a  glass  to  make  it  ring. 


150  MR.  DOOLEY 

All  th'  people  looked  up  to  him,  an*  th'  kids 
followed  him  down  th'  sthreet ;  an'  'twas  th' 
gr-reatest  priv'lige  f 'r  anny  wan  f  'r  to  play 
dominos  with  him  near  th'  joker.  But 
about  a  year  ago  he  come  in  to  see  me,  an' 
says  he,  c  Well,  I'm  goin'  to  quit.'  c  Why,' 
says  I,  c  ye'er  a  young  man  yet,'  I  says. 
c  Faith,'  he  says,  c  look  at  me  hair,'  he  says, 
— c  young  heart,  ol'  head.  I've  been  at  it 
these  twinty  year,  an'  th'  good  woman's 
wantin'  to  see  more  iv  me  thin  blowin'  into 
a  saucer  iv  coffee,'  he  says.  c  I'm  goin'  to 
quit,'  he  says,  c  on'y  I  want  to  see  wan  more 
good  fire,'  he  says.  c  A  rale  good  ol'  hot 
wan,'  he  says,  c  with  th'  win'  blowin'  f 'r  it 
an'  a  good  dhraft  in  th'  ilivator-shaft,  an' 
about  two  stories,  with  pitcher-frames  an' 
gasoline  an'  excelsior,  an'  to  hear  th'  chief 
yellin' :  "  Play  'way,  sivinteen.  What  th'  hell 
an'  damnation  are  ye  standin'  aroun'  with 
that  pipe  f 'r  ?  Is  this  a  fire  'r  a  dam  livin' 
pitcher  ?  I'll  break  ivry  man  iv  eighteen, 
four,  six,  an'  chem'cal  five  to-morrah  mornin' 
befure  breakfast."  Oh,'  he  says,  bringin' 
his  fist  down,  c  wan  more,  an'  I'll  quit.' 


ON  FIREMEN  151 

"An'  he  did,  Jawn.  Th'  day  th'  Carpen- 
ter Brothers'  box  factory  burnt.  'Twas  wan 
iv  thim  big,  fine-lookin'  buildings  that  pious 
men  built  out  iv  celluloid  an'  plasther  iv 
Paris.  An'  Clancy  was  wan  iv  th'  men 
undher  whin  th'  wall  fell.  I  seen  thim 
bringin*  him  home ;  an'  th'  little  woman  met 
him  at  th'  dure,  rumplin'  her  apron  in  her 
hands." 


ON  THE  GAME  OF  FOOTBALL. 

cc  WHIN  I  was  a  young  man/'  said  Mr. 
Dooley,  "  an'  that  was  a  long  time  ago, — 
but  not  so  long  ago  as  manny  iv  me  ini- 
mies'd  like  to  believe,  if  I  had  anny  inimies, 
—  I  played  fut-ball,  but  'twas  not  th'  fut- 
ball  I  see  whin  th'  Brothers'  school  an'  th' 
Saint  Aloysius  Tigers  played  las'  week  on 
th'  pee-raries. 

"  Whin  I  was  a  la-ad,  iv  a  Sundah  afther- 
noon  we'd  get  out  in  th'  field  where  th'  oats'd 
been  cut  away,  an'  we'd  choose  up  sides. 
Wan  cap'n'd  pick  one  man,  an'  th'  other 
another.  c  I  choose  Dooley,'  c  I  choose 
O'Connor,'  c  I  choose  Dimpsey,'  c  I  choose 
Riordan,'  an'  so  on  till  there  was  twinty-five 
or  thirty  on  a  side.  Thin  wan  cap'n'd  kick 
th'  ball,  an'  all  our  side'd  r-run  at  it  an' 
kick  it  back ;  an'  thin  wan  iv  th'  other  side'd 
kick  it  to  us,  an'  afther  awhile  th'  game'd 
get  so  timpischous  that  all  th'  la-ads  iv  both 
sides'd  be  in  wan  pile,  kickin'  away  at  wan  or 
th'  other  or  at  th'  ball  or  at  th'  impire,  who 


ON  FOOTBALL  153 

was  mos'ly  a  la-ad  that  cudden't  play  an* 
that  come  out  less  able  to  play  thin  he  was 
whin  he  wint  in.  An',  if  anny  wan  laid 
hands  on  th'  ball,  he  was  kicked  be  ivry  wan 
else  an'  be  th'  impire.  We  played  fr'm 
noon  till  dark,  an'  kicked  th'  ball  all  th' 
way  home  in  the  moonlight. 

"  That  was  futball,  an'  I  was  a  great  wan 
to  play  it.  I'd  think  nawthin'  iv  histin'  th' 
ball  two  hundherd  feet  in  th'  air,  an'  wanst 
I  give  it  such  a  boost  that  I  stove  in  th' 
ribs  iv  th'  Prowtestant  minister  —  bad  luck 
to  him,  he  was  a  kind  man  —  that  was 
lookin'  on  fr'm  a  hedge.  I  was  th'  finest 
player  in  th'  whole  county,  I  was  so. 

"  But  this  here  game  that  I've  been  seein' 
ivry  time  th'  pagan  fistival  iv  Thanksgivin' 
comes  ar-round,  sure  it  ain't  th'  game  I 
played.  I  seen  th'  Dorgan  la-ad  comin'  up 
th'  sthreet  yesterdah  in  his  futball  clothes, 
—  a  pair  iv  matthresses  on  his  legs,  a  pillow 
behind,  a  mask  over  his  nose,  an'  a  bushel 
measure  iv  hair  on  his  head.  He  was  fol- 
lowed be  three  men  with  bottles,  Dr.  Ryan, 


154  MR.  DOOLEY 

an*  th'  D organ  fam'ly.  I  jined  thim.  They 
was  a  big  crowd  on  th'  peerary, —  a  bigger 
crowd  than  ye  cud  get  to  go  f'r  to  see  a 
prize  fight.  Both  sides  had  their  frinds 
that  give  th'  colledge  cries.  Says  wan 
crowd :  c  Take  an  ax,  an  ax,  an  ax  to 
thim.  Hooroo,  hooroo,  hellabaloo.  Chris- 
tyan  Bro-others ! '  an'  th'  other  says,  c  Hit 
thim,  saw  thim,  gnaw  thim,  chaw  thim, 
Saint  Alo-ysius  ! '  Well,  afther  awhile  they 
got  down  to  wur-ruk.  c  Sivin,  eighteen.) 
two,  four,'  says  a  la-ad.  I've  seen  peo- 
ple go  mad  over  figures  durin'  th'  free 
silver  campaign,  but  I  niver  see  figures 
make  a  man  want  f'r  to  go  out  an'  kill  his 
fellow-men  before.  But  these  here  figures 
had  th'  same  effect  on  th'  la-ads  that  a  min- 
tion  iv  Lord  Castlereagh'd  have  on  their 
fathers.  Wan  la-ad  hauled  off,  an'  give  a 
la-ad  acrost  fr'm  him  a  punch  in  th'  stom- 
ach. His  frind  acrost  th'  way  caught  him 
in  th'  ear.  Th'  cinter  rush  iv  th'  Saint 
Aloysiuses  took  a  runnin'  jump  at  th'  left 
lung  iv  wan  iv  th'  Christyan  Brothers,  an3 


ON  FOOTBALL  155 

wint  to  th'  grass  with  him.  Four  Christyan 
Brothers  leaped  most  crooly  at  four  Saint 
Aloysiuses,  an*  rolled  thim.  Th'  cap'n  iv 
th'  Saint  Aloysiuses  he  took  th'  cap'n  iv  th' 
Christyan  Brothers  be  th'  leg,  an'  he  pounded 
th'  pile  with  him  as  I've  seen  a  section  hand 
tamp  th'  thrack.  All  this  time  young  Dor- 
gan  was  standin'  back,  takin'  no  hand  in  th' 
affray.  All  iv  a  suddent  he  give  a  cry  iv 
rage,  an'  jumped  feet  foremost  into  th'  pile. 
c  Down  ! '  says  th'  impire.  c  Faith,  they  are 
all  iv  that,'  says  I,  cWill  iver  they  get  up?' 
cThey  will,'  says  oF  man  Dorgan.  c  Ye  can't 
stop  thim,'  says  he. 

"It  took  some  time  f 'r  to  pry  thim  off. 
Near  ivry  man  iv  th'  Saint  Aloysiuses  was 
tied  in  a  knot  around  wan  iv  th'  Christyan 
Brothers.  On'y  wan  iv  them  remained  on 
th'  field.  He  was  lyin'  face  down,  with  his 
nose  in  th'  mud.  '  He's  kilt,' says  I.  CI 
think  he  is,'  says  Dorgan,  with  a  merry 
smile.  c  Twas  my  boy  Jimmy  done  it,  too,' 
says  he.  c  He'll  be  arrested  f 'r  murdher,' 
says  I.  c  He  will  not,' says  he.  c  There's 


156  MR.  DOOLEY 

on'y  wan  polisman  in  town  cud  take  him, 
an*  he's  down  town  doin'  th'  same  f  'r  some- 
body/ he  says.  Well,  they  carried  th'  corpse 
to  th'  side,  an*  took  th'  ball  out  iv  his  stomach 
with  a  monkey  wrinch,  an'  th'  game  was  ray- 
shumed.  c  Sivin,  sixteen,  eight,  eleven,'  says 
Saint  Aloysius  ;  an'  young  Dorgan  started  to 
run  down  th'  field.  They  was  another  young 
la-ad  r-runnin'  in  fr-front  iv  Dorgan ;  an',  as 
fast  as  wan  iv  th'  Christy  an  Brothers  come 
up  an'  got  in  th'  way,  this  here  young  Saint 
Aloysius  grabbed  him  be  th'  hair  iv  th'  head 
an'  th'  sole  iv  th'  fut,  an'  thrun  him  over  his 
shoulder.  c  What's  that  la-ad  doin'  ? '  says 
I.  c  InterferinY  says  he.  c  I  shud  think  he 
was,'  says  I,  can'  most  impudent,'  I  says. 
*  'Tis  such  interference  as  this,'  I  says,  c  that 
breaks  up  fam'lies ' ;  an'  I  come  away. 

<c>Tis  a  noble  sport,  an'  I'm  glad  to  see 
us  Irish  ar-re  gettin'  into  it.  Whin  we  larn 
it  thruly,  we'll  teach  thim  colledge  joods  fr'm 
th'  pie  belt  a  thrick  or  two." 

"We  have  already,"  said  Mr.  Hennessy. 
"They'se  a  team  up  in  Wisconsin  with  a 


ON  FOOTBALL  157 

la-ad  be  th'  name  iv  Jeremiah  Riordan  f  'r 
cap'n,  an'  wan  named  Patsy  O'Dea  behind 
him.  They  come  down  here,  an'  bate  th' 
la-ads  fr'm  th'  Chicawgo  Colledge  down  be 
th'  Midway." 

"  Iv  coorse,  they  did/  said  Mr.  Dooley. 
"  Iv  coorse,  they  did.  An'  they  cud  bate 
anny  collection  iv  Baptists  that  iver  come 
out  iv  a  tank." 


ON  THE  NECESSITY  OF  MOD- 
ESTY AMONG  THE  RICH. 

"I  WONDHER,"  said  Mr.  Hennessy,  "if 
thim  Hadley-Markhams  that's  goin'  to  give 
th'  ball  is  anny  kin  iv  th'  aldherman  ?  " 

CCI  doubt  it,"  said  Mr.  Dooley.  "I 
knowed  all  his  folks.  They're  Monaghan 
people,  an'  I  niver  heerd  iv  thim  marryin' 
into  th'  Hadleys,  who  come  fr'm  away  be- 
yant  near  th'  Joynt's  Causeway.  What  med 
ye  think  iv  thim  ?  " 

"  I  was  readin'  about  th'  Prowtestant 
minister  that  give  thim  such  a  turnin'  over 
th'  other  night,"  said  Hennessy.  Then  the 
Philistire  went  on :  "It  looks  to  me  as 
though  th'  man  was  wr-rong,  an'  th'  Had- 
ley-Markhams was  right.  Faith,  th'  more 
th'  poor  can  get  out  iv  th'  r-rich,  th'  better 
f 'r  thim.  I  seen  it  put  just  r-right  in  th' 
paper  th'  other  day.  If  these  people  didn't 
let  go  iv  their  coin  here,  they'd  take  it  away 
with  thim  to  Paris  or  West  Baden,  Indiana, 
an'  spind  it  instid  iv  puttin*  it  in  circulation 


MODESTY  AND  THE  RICH    159 

amongst  th'  florists  an'  dhressmakers  an' 
hackmen  they'll  have  to  hire.  I  believe  in 
encouragin'  th'  rich  to  walk  away  fr'm  their 
change.  'Tis  gr-reat  f 'r  business." 

Mr.  Dooley  mused  over  this  proposition 
some  time  before  he  said :  — 

"Years  ago,  whin  I  was  a  little  bit  iv  a 
kid,  hardly  high  enough  to  look  into  th' 
pot  iv  stirabout  on  th'  peat  fire,  they  was  a 
rich  landlord  in  our  part  iv  Ireland ;  an'  he 
ownded  near  half  th'  counthryside.  His 
name  was  Dorsey, —  Willum  Edmund  Fitz- 
gerald Dorsey,  justice  iv  th'  peace,  mimber 
iv  Parlymint. 

cc  I'll  niver  tell  ye  how  much  land  that 
man  had  in  his  own  r-right.  Ye  cud  walk 
f 'r  a  day  without  lavin'  it,  bog  an'  oat-field 
an'  pasthure  an'  game  presarves.  He  was 
smothered  with  money,  an'  he  lived  in  a 
house  as  big  as  th'  Audjitoroom  Hotel. 
Manny's  th'  time  I've  seen  him  ride  by 
our  place,  an'  me  father'd  raise  his  head 
from  th'  kish  iv  turf  an'  touch  his  hat  to 
th'  gr-reat  man.  An'  wanst  or  twict  in  th' 


160  MR.  DOOLEY 

month  th'  dogs'd  come  yelpm'  acrost  our 
little  place,  with  lads  follerin'  afther  in  r-red 
coats ;  f  'r  this  Dorsey  was  a  gr-reat  hunts- 
man, bad  scran  to  his  evil  face. 

"He  had  th'  r-reputation  iv  bein'  a  good 
landlord  so  long  as  th'  crops  come  regular. 
He  was  vilent,  it's  thrue,  an'  'd  as  lave  as 
not  cut  a  farmer  acrost  th'  face  with  his 
whip  f'r  crossin'  th'  thrail  iv  th'  fox;  but 
he  was  liberal  with  his  money,  an',  Hinnissy, 
that's  a  thrait  that  covers  a  multitude  iv 
sins.  He  give  freely  to  th*  church,  an' 
was  as  gin'rous  to  th'  priest  as  to  th'  par- 
son. He  had  th'  gintry  f'r  miles  around 
to  his  big  house  f'r  balls  an'  dinners  an' 
huntin'  meetin's,  an'  half  th'  little  shop- 
keepers in  th'  neighborin'  town  lived  on 
th'  money  he  spent  f'r  th'  things  he  didn't 
bring  fr'm  Dublin  or  London.  I  mind 
wanst  a  great  roar  wint  up  whin  he  stayed 
th'  whole  season  in  England  with  his  fam'ly. 
It  near  broke  th'  townsfolk,  an'  they  were 
wild  with  delight  whin  he  come  back  an' 
opened  up  th'  big  house. 


MODESTY  AND  THE  RICH    161 

"  But  wan  year  there  come  a  flood  iv  rain, 
an'  th  nex'  year  another  flood,  an'  th'  third 
year  there  wasn't  a  lumper  turned  up  that 
wasn't  blue-black  to  th'  hear-rt.  We  was 
betther  off  than  most,  an'  we  suffered  our 
share,  Gawd  knows ;  but  thim  that  was 
scrapin'  th'  sod  f 'r  a  bare  livin'  fr'm  day  to 
day  perished  like  th'  cattle  in  th'  field. 

"Thin  come  th'  writs  an'  th'  evictions. 
Th'  bailiffs  dhrove  out  in  squads,  seizin' 
cattle  an'  turnin'  people  into  th'  r-road. 
Nawthin'  wud  soften  th'  hear-rt  iv  Dorsey. 
I  seen  th'  priest  an'  th'  'Piscopal  ministher 
dhrivin'  over  to  plead  with  him  wan  night; 
an'  th'  good  man  stopped  at  our  house, 
comin'  back,  an'  spent  th'  night  with  us.  I 
heerd  him  tell  me  father  what  Dorsey  said. 
'  Haven't  I  been  lib'ral  with  me  people?'  he 
says.  'Haven't  I  give  freely  to  ye'er  churches ? 
Haven't  I  put  up  soup-houses  an'  disthrib- 
uted  blankets  whin  th'  weather  was  cold  ? 
Haven't  I  kept  th'  shopkeepers  iv  th'  town 
beyant  fr'm  starvin'  be  thradin'  with  thim  an' 
stayin'  in  this  cur-rsed  counthry,  whin,  if  I'd 


162  MR.  DOOLEY 

done  what  me  wife  wanted,  I'd  been  r-runnin* 
around  Europe,  enj'yin'  life?  I'm  a  risidint 
landlord.  I  ain't  like  Kilduff,  that  laves  his 
estate  in  th'  hands  iv  an  agint.  I'm  proud  iv 
me  station.  I  was  bor-rn  here,  an'  here  I'll 
die;  but  I'll  have  me  r-rights.  These  here 
people  owes  their  rent,  an*  I'll  get  th'  rent  or 
th'  farms  if  I  have  to  call  on  ivry  rig'mint 
fr'm  Bombay  to  Cape  Clear,  an'  turn  ivry 
oat-field  into  a  pasture  f'r  me  cattle.  I 
stand  on  th'  law.  I'm  a  just  man,  an'  I  ask 
no  more  thin  what  belongs  to  me.' 

"  Ivry  night  they  was  a  party  on  th'  hill, 
a-n'  th'  people  come  fr'm  miles  around ;  an* 
th'  tinants  trudgin'  over  th'  muddy  roads 
with  th'  peelers  behind  thim  cud  see  th' 
light  poorin'  out  fr'm  th'  big  house  an'  hear 
Devine's  band  playin'  to  th'  dancers.  Th' 
shopkeepers  lived  in  clover,  an'  thanked  th' 
lord  f'r  a  good  landlord,  an'  wan  that  lived 
at  home.  But  one  avnin'  a  black  man  be 
th'  name  iv  Shaughnessy,  that  had  thramped 
acrost  th'  hills  fr'm  Galway  just  in  time  to 
rent  f'r  th'  potato  rot,  wint  and  hid  himself 


MODESTY  AND  THE  RICH    163 

in  a  hedge  along  th'  road  with  a  shotgun 
loaded  with  hardware  under  his  coat.  Dor- 
sey'd  heerd  talk  iv  the  people  bein'  aggrieved 
at  him  givin'  big  parties  while  his  bailiffs 
were  hustlin'  men  and  women  off  their  hold- 
in's  ;  but  he  was  a  high-handed  man,  an*  fool- 
ish in  his  pride,  an*  he'd  have  it  no  other 
way  but  that  he'd  go  about  without  protec- 
tion. This  night  he  rode  alongside  th'  car- 
redge  iv  some  iv  his  frinds  goin'  to  thJ  other 
side  iv  town,  an'  come  back  alone  in  th' 
moonlight.  Th'  Irish  ar-re  poor  marksmen, 
Hinnissy,  except  whin  they  fire  in  platoons  ; 
but  that  big  man  loomin'  up  in  th'  moon- 
light on  a  black  horse  cud  no  more  be 
missed  thin  th'  r-rock  iv  Cashel.  He  niver 
knowed  what  hit  him  ;  an'  Pether  th'  Packer 
come  down  th'  followin'  month,  an'  a  jury  iv 
shopkeepers  hanged  Shaughnessy  so  fast  it 
med  even  th'  judge  smile." 

"  Well,"  said  Mr.  Hennessy,  cc  I  suppose 
he  desarved  it;  but,  if  I'd  been  on  th' jury, 
I'd've  starved  to  death  befure  I'd  give  th' 
verdict." 


164  MR.  DOOLEY 

"  Thrue,"  said  Mr.  Dooley.  "An'  Dor- 
sey  was  a  fool.  He  might Ve  evicted  twinty 
thousan'  tinants,  an'  lived  to  joke  about  it 
over  his  bottle.  'Twas  th'  music  iv  th' 
band  an'  th'  dancin'  on  th'  hill  an'  th'  lights 
th'  Galway  man  seen  whin  he  wint  up  th' 
muddy  road  with  his  babby  in  his  arrums 
that  done  th'  business  f 'r  Dorsey." 


ON  THE  POWER  OF  LOVE. 

"'TWAS  this  way/'  said  Mr.  Hennessy, 
sparring  at  Mr.  Dooley.  "  Fitz  led  his 
right  light  on  head,  thin  he  stuck  his  thumb 
in  Corbett's  hear-rt,  an'  that  was  th'  end  iv 
th'  fight  an*  iv  Pompydour  Jim.  I  tol'  ye 
how  it  wud  come  out.  Th'  punch  over  th' 
hear-rt  done  th'  business." 

"Not  at  all,"  said  Mr.  Dooley.  "Not  at 
all.  'Twas  Mrs.  Fitzsimmons  done  th'  busi- 
ness. Did  ye  see  the  pitcher  iv  that  lady  ? 
Did  ye?  Well,  'twud've  gone  har-rd  with 
th'  lad  if  he'd  lost  th'  fight  in  th'  ring. 
He'd  have  to  lose  another  at  home.  I'll 
bet  five  dollars  that  th'  first  lady  iv  th'  land 
licks  th'  champeen  without  th'  aid  iv  a 
stove  lid.  I  know  it. 

"As  me  good  frind,  Jawn  Sullivan,  says, 
'tis  a  great  comfort  to  have  little  reminders 
iv  home  near  by  whin  ye're  fightin'.  Jawn 
had  none,  poor  lad  ;  an'  that  accounts  f 'r  th' 
way  he  wint  down  at  last.  Th'  home  in- 
floo-ence  is  felt  in  ivry  walk  iv  life.  Whin 


i66  MR.  DOOLEY 

Corbett  was  poundin'  th'  first  jintleman  iv 
th'  land  like  a  man  shinglin'  a  roof,  th'  first 
lady  iv  th'  land  stood  in  th'  corner,  cheerin' 
on  th'  bruised  an'  bleedin'  hero.  c  Darlin' ' 
she  says,  c  think  iv  ye'er  home,  me  love. 
Think,'  she  says,  civ  our  little  child  larnin' 
his  caddychism  in  Rahway,  New  Jersey,' 
she  says.  c  Think  iv  th'  love  I  bear  ye,'  she 
says,  c  an'  paste  him,'  she  says,  c  in  th'  slats. 
Don't  hit  him  on  th'  jaw,'  she  says.  c  He's 
well  thrained  there.  But  tuck  ye'er  lovin' 
hooks  into  his  diseased  an'  achin'  ribs,'  she 
says.  c  Ah,  love  ! '  she  says,  *  recall  thim 
happy  goolden  days  iv  our  coortship,  whin 
we  walked  th'  counthry  lane  in  th'  light  iv 
th'  moon,'  she  says,  c  an  hurl  yer  maulies  into 
his  hoops,'  she  says.  cHit  him  on  th'  slats  ! ' 
An'  Fitz  looked  over  his  shoulder  an'  seen 
her  face,  an'  strange  feelin's  iv  tendherness 
come  over  him ;  an'  thinks  he  to  himself: 
c  What  is  so  good  as  th'  love  iv  a  pure 
woman  ?  If  I  don't  nail  this  large  man, 
she'll  prob'ly  kick  in  me  head.'  An' 
with  this  sacred  sintimint  in  his  heart  he 


ON  THE  POWER  OF  LOVE  167 

wint  over  an'  jolted  Corbett  wan  over  th' 
lathes  that  retired  him  to  th'  home  f  'r  de- 
cayed actors. 

"  'Twas  woman's  love  that  done  it,  Hin- 
nissy.  I'll  make  a  bet  with  ye  that,  if  th' 
first  lady  iv  th'  land  had  been  in  th'  ring  in- 
stead iv  th'  first  jintleman,  Corbett  wudden't 
have  lasted  wan  r-round.  I'd  like  to  have 
such  a  wife  as  that.  I'd  do  th'  cookin',  an' 
lave  th'  fightin'  to  her.  There  ought  to  be 
more  like  her.  Th'  throuble  with  th'  race 
we're  bringin'  up  is  that  th'  fair  sect,  as 
Shakespeare  calls  thim,  lacks  inthrest  in  their 
jooty  to  their  husbands.  It's  th'  business  iv 
men  to  fight,  an'  th'  business  iv  their  wives 
f 'r  to  make  thim  fight.  Ye  may  talk  iv  th' 
immyrality  iv  nailin'  a  man  on  th'  jaw,  but 
'tis  in  this  way  on'y  that  th'  wurruld  increases 
in  happiness  an'  th'  race  in  strenth.  Did  ye 
see  annywan  th'  other  day  that  wasn't  askin' 
to  know  how  th'  fight  come  out?  They 
might  say  that  they  re-garded  th'  exhibition 
as  brutal  an*  disgustin',  but  diwle  a  wan  iv 
thim  but  was  waitin'  around  th'  corner  f 'r 


168  MR.  DOOLEY 

th'  ray  turns,  an'  prayin'  f 'r  wan  or  th'  other 
iv  th'  big  lads.  Father  Kelly  mentioned  th' 
scrap  in  his  sermon  last  Sundah.  He  said 
it  was  a  disgraceful  an*  corruptin'  affair,  an* 
he  was  ashamed  to  see  th'  young  men  iv  th' 
parish  takin'  such  an  inthrest  in  it  in  Lent. 
But  late  Winsdah  afthernoon  he  came  bust- 
lin'  down  th'  sthreet.  c  Nice  day,'  he  says. 
It  was  poorin'  rain.  c  Fine,'  says  I.  c  They 
was  no  parade  to-day,'  he  says.  c  No,'  says 
I.  'Too  bad,'  says  he;  an'  he  started  to  go. 
Thin  he  turned,  an'  says  he :  c  Be  th'  way, 
how  did  that  there  foul  an'  outhrajous  affray 
in  Carson  City  come  out?'  c  Fitz,'  says  I, 
c  in  th'  fourteenth.'  c  Ye  don't  say,'  he  says, 
dancin' around.  c  Good,' he  says.  C.I  told 
Father  Doyle  this  mornin'  at  breakfuss  that 
if  that  red-headed  man  iver  got  wan  punch  at 
th'  other  lad,  I'd  bet  a  new  cassock —  Oh, 
dear ! '  he  says,  c  what  am  I  sayin'  ? '  c  Ye're 
say  in','  says  I,  c  what  nine-tenths  iv  th'  peo- 
ple, laymen  an'  clargy,  are  sayin','  I  says. 
cWell,'  he  says,  CI  guess  ye're  right.'  he 
says.  cAfther  all,'  he  says,  c  an'  undher  all, 


ON  THE  POWER  OF  LOVE  169 

we're  mere  brutes  ;  an'  it  on'y  takes  two  lads 
more  brutal  than  th'  rest  f 'r  to  expose  th' 
sthreak  in  th'  best  iv  us.  Foorce  rules  th' 
wurruld,  an'  th'  churches  is  empty  whin 
th'  blood  begins  to  flow/  he  says.  c  It's  too 
bad,  too  bad,'  he  says.  c  Tell  me,  was  Cor- 
bett  much  hurted  ? '  he  says." 


ON  THE  VICTORIAN  ERA. 

"  AR-RE  ye  goin'  to  cillybrate  th'  queen's 
jubilee  ?  "  asked  Mr.  Dooley. 

"What's  that?"  demanded  Mr.  Hen- 
nessy,  with  a  violent  start. 

"  To-day,"  said  Mr.  Dooley,  "  her  gra- 
cious Majesty  Victory  a,  Queen  iv  Great 
Britain  an'  that  part  iv  Ireland  north  iv 
Sligo,  has  reigned  f  Jr  sixty  long  and  tire- 
some years." 

"  I  don't  care  if  she  has  snowed  f 'r  sixty 
years,"  said  Mr.  Hennessy.  "  I'll  not  cilly- 
brate it.  She  may  be  a  good  woman  f 'r  all 
I  know,  but  dam  her  pollytics." 

"Ye  needn't  be  pro-fane  about  it,"  said 
Mr.  Dooley.  "  I  on'y  ast  ye  a  civil  ques- 
tion. F'r  mesilf,  I  have  no  feelin'  on  th' 
subject.  I  am  not  with  th'  queen  an*  I'm 
not  again  her.  At  th'  same  time  I  corjally 
agree  with  me  frind  Captain  Finerty,  who's 
put  his  newspaper  in  mournin'  f 'r  th'  ivint. 
I  won't  march  in  th'  parade,  an'  I  won't  put 
anny  dinnymite  undher  thim  that  does.  I 


ON  THE  VICTORIAN  ERA  171 

don't  say  th'  marchers  an'  dinnymiters  ar-re 
not  both  r-right.  'Tis  purely  a  question  iv 
taste,  an',  as  the  ixicutive  says  whin  both 
candydates  are  mimbers  iv  th'  camp,  *  Pa- 
thrites  will  use  their  own  discreetion.' 

"Th'  good  woman  niver  done  me  no 
har-rm ;  an',  beyond  throwin'  a  rock  or  two 
into  an  orangey 's  procission  an'  subscribin'  to 
tin  dollars'  worth  iv  Fenian  bonds,  I've 
threated  her  like  a  lady.  Anny  gredge  I 
iver  had  again  her  I  burrid  long  ago.  We're 
both  well  on  in  years,  an'  'tis  no  use  carrying 
har-rd  feelin's  to  th'  grave.  About  th*  time 
th'  lord  chamberlain  wint  over  to  tell  her 
she  was  queen,  an'  she  came  out  in  her  nitey 
to  hear  th'  good  news,  I  was  announced  into 
this  wurruld  iv  sin  an'  sorrow.  So  ye  see 
we've  reigned  about  th'  same  lenth  iv  time, 
an'  I  ought  to  be  cillybratin'  me  di'mon'  ju- 
bilee. I  wud,  too,  if  I  had  anny  di'mon's. 
Do  ye  r-run  down  to  Aldherman  O'Brien's 
an'  borrow  twinty  or  thirty  f'r  me. 

"  Great  happenin's  have  me  an'  Queen 
Victorya  seen  in  these  sixty  years.  Durin' 


172  MR.  DOOLEY 

our  binificent  prisince  on  earth  th'  nations 
have  grown  r-rich  an'  prosperous.  Great 
Britain  has  ixtinded  her  domain  until  th'  sun 
niver  sets  on  it.  No  more  do  th'  original 
owners  iv  th'  sile,  they  bein'  kept  movin'  be 
th'  polis.  While  she  was  lookin'  on  in 
England,  I  was  lookin'  on  in  this  counthry. 
I  have  seen  America  spread  out  fr'm  th'  At- 
lantic to  th'  Pacific,  with  a  branch  office  iv 
the  Standard  He  Comp'ny  in  ivry  hamlet. 
I've  seen  th'  shackles  dropped  fr'm  th'  slave, 
so's  he  cud  be  lynched  in  Ohio.  I've  seen 
this  gr-reat  city  desthroyed  be  fire  fr'm  De 
Koven  Sthreet  to  th'  Lake  View  pumpin' 
station,  and  thin  rise  felix-like  fr'm  its  ashes, 
all  but  th'  West  Side,  which  was  not  burned. 
I've  seen  Jim  Mace  beat  Mike  McCool,  an' 
Tom  Allen  beat  Jim  Mace,  an'  somebody 
beat  Tom  Allen,  an'  Jawn  Sullivan  beat  him, 
an'  Corbett  beat  Sullivan,  an'  Fitz  beat  Cor- 
bett;  an',  if  I  live  to  cillybrate  me  goold- 
watch-an'-chain  jubilee,  I  may  see  some  wan 
put  it  all  over  Fitz. 

"  Oh,  what  things  I've  seen  in  me  day  an' 


ON  THE  VICTORIAN  ERA  173 

Victorya's  !  Think  iv  that  gran'  procission 
iv  lithry  men, —  Tinnyson  an*  Longfellow 
an'  Bill  Nye  an'  Ella  Wheeler  Wilcox  an' 
Tim  Scanlan  an'  —  an'  I  can't  name  thim 
all :  they're  too  manny.  An'  th'  brave 
gin'rals, —  Von  Molkey  an'  Bismarck  an' 
U.  S.  Grant  an'  gallant  Phil  Shurdan  an' 
Coxey.  Think  iv  thim  durin'  me  reign. 
An'  th'  invintions, —  th'  steam-injine  an'  th' 
printin'-press  an'  th'  cotton-gin  an'  the  gin 
sour  an'  th'  bicycle  an'  th'  flyin'-machine  an' 
th'  nickel-in-th'-slot  machine  an'  th'  Croker 
machine  an'  th'  sody  fountain  an'  —  crownin' 
wur-ruk  iv  our  civilization  —  th'  cash  ray- 
gisther.  What  gr-reat  advances  has  science 
made  in  my  time  an'  Victorya's  !  f 'r,  whin  we 
entered  public  life,  it  took  three  men  to 
watch  th'  bar-keep,  while  to-day  ye  can  tell 
within  eight  dollars  an  hour  what  he's  took  in. 
"  Glory  be,  whin  I  look  back  fr'm  this  day 
iv  gin'ral  rejoicin'  in  me  rhinestone  jubilee, 
an'  see  what  changes  has  taken  place  an1 
how  manny  people  have  died  an'  how  much 
betther  off  th'  wurruld  is,  I'm  proud  iv 


174  MR.  DOOLEY 

mesilf.  War  an'  pestilence  an'  famine  have 
occurred  in  me  time,  but  I  count  thim 
light  compared  with  th'  binifits  that  have 
fallen  to  th'  race  since  I  come  on  th'  earth." 

"  What  ar-re  ye  talkin'  about  ?  "  cried  Mr. 
Hennessy,  in  deep  disgust.  "  All  this  time 
ye've  been  standin'  behind  this  bar  ladlin' 
out  disturbance  to  th'  Sixth  Wa-ard,  an'  ye 
haven't  been  as  far  east  as  Mitchigan  Avnoo 
in  twinty  years.  What  have  ye  had  to  do 
with  all  these  things  ?  " 

"Well,"  said  Mr.  Dooley,  "I  had  as 
much  to  do  with  thim  as  th'  queen." 


ON  THE  CURRENCY  QUESTION. 

"  THERE'S  some  tough  knots  in  this  here 
currency  question,"  said  Mr.  McKenna. 
"  A  lot  of  things  I  don't  quite  catch." 

"  Cough  thim  up,"  said  Mr.  Dooley. 
"I'm  a  reg'lar  caddy chism  iv  coinage.  Who 
made  ye  ?  Gawd  made  me.  Why  did  he 
make  ye?  F'r  to  know  Him,  love  Him, 
an'  sarve  Him  all  me  days.  That's  th'  way 
iv  th'  caddychism  I  learned  whin  I  was  a 
la-ad  behind  a  hedge ;  but  now  'tis :  Who 
made  ye?  Ladenburg,  Thalman  an'  Com- 
p'ny  made  me.  Why  did  they  make  ye? 
F'r  to  know  thim,  love  thim,  an'  sarve  thim 
all  me  days.  O-ho  !  " 

"That's  all  r-right,"  said  Mr.  Thomas 
Larkin,  the  Kerry  horseshoer,  who  was  lean- 
ing over  the  cigar-case,  reading  what  Mr. 
Lincoln,  Mr.  Blaine,  Mr.  Edward  Atkinson, 
and  Mr.  Andrew  D.  White  had  to  say  in 
a  small  pamphlet.  "That's  all  r-right, 
Martin.  But  ye're  talkin'  like  a  Populist 
an*  an  anarchist  an*  a  big  bullhead  gen'rally. 


176  MR.  DOOLEY 

Ye  bring  up  two  or  three  Jew  men,  an'  think 
Pr  to  scare  us  with  thim.  But  look  here. 
Supposin'  a  man  comes  into  my  place  an' 
lays  down  on  th'  anvil  a  silver  dollar,  an'  I 
give  it  a  wallop  with  me  hammer  " — 

"  Thin,"  said  Mr.  Dooley,  "  ye're  knockin' 
th'  gover'mint." 

"  How  am  I  ?  "  said  Mr.  Larkin.  "  Niver 
mind  now :  I  take  this  here  silver  dollar,  an' 
I  fetch  it  wan  with  me  hammer.  What 
happens  ? " 

"Th'  man  that  give  ye  th'  dollar  hands 
ye  wan  in  th'  nose,"  said  Mr.  Dooley. 

"Not  at  all,  not  at  —  all,"  said  Mr.  Lar- 
kin. "  I  take  this  here  mutilated  an'  disfig- 
ured an'  bum  dollar  down  to  th'  three-asury, 
an'  I  hand  it  in ;  an'  Carlisle  says,  c  What 
kind  iv  an  ol'  piece  iv  mud  is  this  ye're 
flingin'  at  me  t '  he  says.  c  Take  it  away : 
it's  nawthin'  to  me.'  " 

"True  for  you,  Larkin,"  said  Mr.  Mc- 
Kenna.  "  You're  on  the  right  track.  Car- 
lisle couldn't  take  it  after  you'd  smashed 


it." 


ON  THE  CURRENCY         177 

"  But,"  said  Mr.  Dooley,  "  look  here :  if 
ye  had  th'  free  an*  unlimited  coinage  iv  sil- 
ver at  a  rat-io  iv  sixteen  to  wan,  ye  cud  take 
this  here  mass  iv  silver  down  to  Carlisle,  an* 
say,  'Here,  Jawn,  give  me  a  dollar';  an* 
he'd  have  to  give  it  to  ye." 

"A  dollar  of  what?"  said  Mr.  McKenna. 

"  A  dollar  iv  what  ?  "  repeated  Mr.  Doo- 
ley. "  A  dollar  iv  what  ?  Man  alive,  don't 
ye  know  what  a  dollar  is  ?  Carlisle'd  hand 
him  out  a  plunk,  a  case,  a  buck.  He'd  say, 
c  Here,  Larkin,  ye  Ye  a  dam  fool  to  be  mal- 
threatin*  th'  currincy  iv  yer  adophted  coun- 
thry,  but  I  have  to  give  ye  a  dollar  because 
ye're  a  good  fellow  an'  a  frind  iv  Doo- 
ley's.'" 

"He  wouldn't  say  anything  of  the  kind," 
said  Mr.  McKenna.  "He'd  give  Larkin 
fifty  cents." 

"  I'd  push  his  face  in  if  he  did,"  said  Mr. 
Larkin,  warmly.  "I 'mas  good  a  ma-an  as 
he  is  anny  day.  I'll  have  no  man  rob  me." 

"  But  he  wouldn't  rob  you,"  said  Mr.  Mc- 
Kenna. "  Think  of  the  purchasing  power : 


178  MR.  DOOLEY 

you've  got  to  always  figure  that  out.  A  dol- 
lar you'd  get  then  would  be  worth  only  half 
as  much  as  it's  worth  now.  It'd  be  a  dollar 
like  they  run  through  the  ringer  down  in 
Mexico." 

"  How  can  wan  dollar  be  worth  on'y  half 
as  much  as  another  dollar,  if  they're  both 
dollars  an'  th'  man  that  made  thim  is  at 
la-arge?"  answered  Mr.  Dooley.  "Here's 
a  dollar,  an'  here's  a  dollar.  Wan  akels  th' 
other.  Now  you  take  this  here  dollar,  an' 
come  into  my  place.  *  Give  me  a  brandy 
an'  sody,'  ye  say.  Thin  what  do  I  say  ? " 

"You  say  you're  just  out  of  brandy  and 
soda." 

"  So  I  do,  so  I  do.  Thin  you  ask  f 'r 
a  little  liquor  with  beer  f 'r  a  chaser.  An' 
I  give  it  to  ye.  Ye  lay  down  wan  iv  these 
here  quartz  dollars.  I  return  eighty-five 
cints.  Larkin  comes  in  later,  ordhers  th' 
same  thing,  an'  I  give  him  th'  same  threat- 
ment.  I  play  no  fav-rites.  Entertainmint 
f 'r  man  an'  beast." 

"  But,  if  we  had  free  silver,  you'd  charge 
thirty  cents  for  the  drink," said  Mr.  McKenna. 


ON  THE  CURRENCY         179 

"  I  wud  not/'  said  Mr.  Dooley,  hotly. 
"  I  niver  overcharged  a  man  in  my  life,  ex- 
cept durin'  a  campaign." 

"No  one  accuses  you  of  overcharging," 
explained  Mr.  McKenna.  "  Everybody 
would  charge  the  same.  It'd  be  the  regular 
price." 

"  If  it  was,"  said  Mr.  Dooley,  "  they'd  be 
a  rivolution.  But  I  don't  believe  it,  Jawn. 
Let  me  tell  ye  wan  thing.  Whisky  is  th' 
standard  iv  value.  It  niver  fluctuates ;  an' 
that's  funny,  too,  seein'  that  so  much  iv  it 
goes  down.  It  was  th'  same  price  —  fifteen 
cints  a  slug,  two  f 'r  a  quarther  —  durin'  the 
war ;  an'  it  was  th'  same  price  afther  the  war. 
The  day  before  th'  crime  iv  sivinty-three  it 
was  worth  fifteen  cints :  it  was  worth  th'  same 
th'  day  afther.  Goold  and  silver  fluctuates, 
up  wan  day,  down  another ;  but  whisky 
stands  firm  an*  strong,  unchangeable  as  th' 
skies,  immovable  as  a  rock  at  fifteen  or  two 
f 'r  a  quarther.  If  they  want  something  solid 
as  a  standard  iv  value,  something  that  niver 
is  rajjooced  in  price,  something  ye  can  ex- 


i8o  MR.  DOOLEY 

change  f 'r  food  an'  other  luxuries  annywhere 
in  th'  civilized  wurruld  where  man  has  a 
thirst,  they'd  move  th'  Mint  over  to  th'  in- 
ternal rivinue  office,  and  lave  it  stay  there." 

Both  Mr.  Larkin  and  Mr.  McKenna 
were  diverted  by  this  fancy. 

"There's  some  good  argumints  on  both 
sides  iv  th'  quisthion,"  said  the  Kerry  man. 
"  I  heerd  a  man  be  th'  name  of  Doyle,  a 
helper,  compare  money  to  th'  human  lungs." 

"  Th'  lung  argumint  is  all  right,"  said  Mr. 
Dooley.  "  Th'  whole  currency  question  is  a 
matther  iv  lungs." 


ON  POLITICAL   PARADES. 

MR.  HENNESSY,  wearing  a  silver-painted 
stove-pipe  hat  and  a  silver  cape  and  carrying 
a  torch,  came  in,  looking  much  the  worse  for 
wear.  The  hat  was  dented,  the  cape  was 
torn,  and  there  were  marks  on  Mr.  Hen- 
nessy's  face. 

"Where  ye^been?"  asked  Mr.  Dooley. 

"  Ma-archin,'  "  said  Mr.  Hennessy. 

"  Be  th'  looks  iv  ye,  ye  might  have  been 
th'  line  iv  ma-arch  f'r  th'  p'rade.  Who's 
been  doin'  things  to  ye  ? " 

"  I  had  a  currency  debate  with  a  man  be 
th'  name  iv  Joyce,  a  towny  iv  mine,  in  th' 
Audjiotoroom  Hotel,"  said  Mr.  Hennessy. 
"  Whin  we  got  as  far  as  th'  price  iv  wheat 
in  th'  year  iv  th'  big  wind,  we  pushed  each 
other.  Give  me  a  high  glass  iv  beer.  I'm 
as  dhry  as  a  gravel  roof." 

uWell,"  said  Mr.  Dooley,  handing  over 
the  glass,  "  ye're  an  ol'  man ;  an',  as  th'  good 
book  says,  an  ol'  fool  is  th'  worst  yet.  So 
I'll  not  thry  to  con-vince  ye  iv  th'  error  iv 


182  MR.  DOOLEY 

ye'er  ways.  But  why  anny  citizen  that  has 
things  in  his  head  shud  dhress  himself  up 
like  a  sandwich-man,  put  a  torch  on  his 
shoulder,  an'  toddle  over  this  blessid  town 
with  his  poor  round  feet,  is  more  than  I  can 
come  at  with  all  me  intelligence. 

"  I  agree  with  ye  perfectly,  Hinnissy,  that 
this  here  is  a  crisis  in  our  histhry.  On  wan 
hand  is  arrayed  th'  Shylocks  an'  th'  pathrites, 
an'  on  th'  other  side  th'  pathrites  an'  th' 
arnychists.  Th'  Constitution  must  be  up- 
held, th'  gover'mint  must  be  maintained, 
th'  down-throdden  farmer  an'  workin'man 
must  get  their  rights.  But  do  ye  think, 
man  alive,  that  ye're  goin'  to  do  this  be 
pourin'  lard  ile  frim  ye'er  torch  down  ye'er 
spine  or  thrippin'  over  sthreet-car  tracks  like 
a  dhray-horse  thryin'  to  play  circus  ?  Is  th' 
Constitution  anny  safer  to-night  because  ye 
have  to  have  ye'er  leg  amputated  to  get 
ye'er  boot  off,  or  because  Joyce  has  made 
ye'er  face  look  like  th'  back  dure-step  iv  a 
German  resthrant? 

"Jawnny    Mack    took    me    down    in    th1 


ON  POLITICAL  PARADES    183 

afthernoon  f'r  to  see  th'  monsthrous  p'rade 
iv  th'  goold  men.  It  was  a  glory ous  specta- 
cle. Th'  sthreets  were  crowded  with  goold 
bugs  an'  women  an'  polismin  an'  ambulances. 
Th'  procission  was  miles  an'  miles  long. 
Labor  an'  capital  marched  side  be  side,  or 
annyhow  labor  was  in  its  usual  place,  afther 
th'  capitalists.  It  was  a  noble  sight  f'r  to 
see  th'  employer  iv  workin'men  marchin' 
ahead  iv  his  band  iv  sturdy  toilers  that  to 
rest  thimsilves  afther  th'  layboryous  occupa- 
tions iv  th'  week  was  reelin'  undher  banners 
that  dhrilled  a  hole  in  their  stomachs  or 
carryin'  two-be-four  joists  to  show  their  alle- 
gance  to  th'  naytional  honor.  A  man  that 
has  to  shovel  coke  into  a  dhray  or  shove 
lumber  out  iv  th'  hole  iv  a  barge  or  elevate 
his  profession  be  carryin'  a  hod  iv  mort  to 
th'  top  iv  a  laddher  doesn't  march  with  th' 
grace  iv  an  antelope,  be  a  blamed  sight. 
To  march  well,  a  man's  feet  have  to  be 
mates  ;  an',  if  he  has  two  left  feet  both  runnin' 
sideways,  he  ought  to  have  interference  boots 
to  keep  him  fr'm  settin'  fire  to  his  knees. 


184  MR.  DOOLEY 

Whin  a  man  walks  as  if  he  expected  to  lave 
a  leg  stuck  in  th'  sthreet  behind  him,  he  has 
th'  gait  proper  f'r  half-past  six  o'clock  th' 
avenin'  befure  pay-day.  But  'tis  not  th' 
prance  iv  an  American  citizen  makin'  a 
glory ous  spectacle  iv  himsilf." 

"  They  were  coerced,"  said  Mr.  Hennessy, 
gloomily. 

"  Don't  ye  believe  it,"  replied  the  philoso- 
pher. "It  niver  requires  coercion  to  get  a 
man  to  make  a  monkey  iv  himsilf  in  a  prisi- 
dintial  campaign.  He  does  it  as  aisily  as  ye 
dhrink  ye'er  liquor,  an'  that's  too  aisy.  Don't 
ye  believe  thim  lads  with  lumber  ya-ards  on 
their  necks  an'  bar'ls  on  their  feet  was  co- 
erced. There  wasn't  wan  iv  thim  that  wud- 
den't  give  his  week's  wages  f 'r  a  chanst  to 
show  how  many  times  he  cud  thrip  over  a 
manhole  in  a  mile.  No  more  co-erced  than 
ye  are  whin  ye  r-run  down  town  an'  make 
an  ape  iv  ye-ersilf.  I  see  ye  marchin'  away 
fr'm  Finucane's  with  th'  Willum  J.  O'Briens. 
Th'  man  nex'  to  ye  had  a  banner  declarin' 
that  he  was  no  slave,  'Twa§  th*  la-ad  John- 


ON  POLITICAL  PARADES    185 

son.  He  was  r-right.  He  is  no  slave,  an' 
he  won't  be  wan  as  long  as  people  have  washin' 
to  give  to  his  wife.  Th'  man  I  see  ye  takin'  a 
dhrink  with  had  a  banner  that  said  if  th' 
mines  was  opened  th'  mills  would  be  opened, 
too.  He  meant  be  that,  that  if  money  was 
plenty  enough  f 'r  him  to  get  some  without 
wur-rukin',  he'd  open  a  gin  mill.  An'  ye 
ma-arched  afther  Willum  J.  O'Brien,  didn't 
ye?  Well,  he's  a  good  la-ad.  If  I  didn't 
think  so,  I  wudden't  say  it  until  I  got  me 
strenth  back  or  cud  buy  a  gun.  But  did 
Willum  J.  O'Brien  march?  Not  Willie. 
He  was  on  horseback;  an',  Hinnissy,  if 
dollars  was  made  out  iv  Babbit  metal,  an' 
horses  was  worth  sixty-sivin  cints  a  dhrove, 
ye  cudden't  buy  a  crupper." 

"Well,"  said  Mr.  Hennessy,  "annyhow, 
I  proved  me  hathred  iv  capital." 

"  So  ye  did,"  said  Mr.  Dooley.  "  So  ye 
did.  An'  capital  this  afthernoon  showed  its 
hatred  iv  ye.  Ye  ought  to  match  blisters  to 
see  which  hates  th'  worst.  Capital  is  at 
home  now  with  his  gams  in  a  tub  iv  hot 


186  MR.  DOOLEY 

wather ;  an,'  whin  he  comes  down  to-morrah 
to  oppriss  labor  an*  square  his  protisted 
notes,  he'll  have  to  go  on  all  fours.  As  f 'r 
you,  Hinnissy,  if  'twill  aise  ye  anny,  ye  can 
hang  f 'r  a  few  minyits  fr'm  th'  gas  fixtures. 
Did  th'  goold  Dimmycrats  have  a  p'rade  ? " 

"  No,"  said  Mr.  Hennessy.  "  But  they 
rayviewed  th'  day  procission  fr'm  th'  Pammer 
House.  Both  iv  thim  was  on  th'  stand." 


ON  CHARITY. 

"  BR-R-R  !  "  cried  Mr.  McKenna,  entering 
stiffly  and  spreading  his  hands  over  the  pot- 
bellied stove.  "  It's  cold." 

"Where?"  asked  Mr.  Dooley.  "Not 
here." 

'•  It's  cold  outside,"  said  Mr.  McKenna. 
"It  was  ten  below  at  Shannahan's  grocery 
when  I  went  by,  and  the  wind  blowing  like 
all  possessed.  Lord  love  us,  but  I  pity 
them  that's  got  to  be  out  to-night." 

"  Save  ye'er  pity,"  said  Mr.  Dooley,  com- 
fortably. "It  ain't  cowld  in  here.  There's 
frost  on  th'  window,  'tis  thrue  for  ye;  an1  th' 
wheels  has  been  singin'  th'  livelong  day. 
But  what's  that  to  us  ?  Here  I  am,  an' 
there  ye  are,  th'  stove  between  us  an'  th' 
kettle  hummin'.  In  a  minyit  it'll  bile,  an' 
thin  I'll  give  ye  a  taste  iv  what'll  make  a 
king  iv  ye. 

"Well,  tubby  sure,  'tis  thryin'  to  be 
dhrivin'  a  coal  wagon  or  a  sthreet-car ;  but  'tis 
all  in  a  lifetime.  Th'  difference  between  me 


i88  MR.  DOOLEY 

an'  th'  man  that  sets  up  in  th'  seat  thumpin' 
his  chest  with  his  hands  is  no  more  thin  th' 
difference  between  him  an'  th'  poor  diwle 
that  walks  along  behind  th'  wagon  with  his 
shovel  on  his  shoulder,  an'  '11  thank  th'  saints 
f 'r  th'  first  chanst  to  put  tin  ton  iv  ha-ard  coal 
into  a  cellar  f 'r  a  quarther  iv  a  dollar.  Th' 
lad  afoot  invies  th'  dhriver,  an'  th'  dhriver 
invies  me ;  an'  I  might  invy  big  Cleveland  if 
it  wasn't  f 'r  th'  hivinly  smell  iv  this  here 
noggin.  An'  who  does  Cleveland  invy? 
Sure,  it'd  be  sacreliege  f 'r  me  to  say. 

"  Me  ol*  father,  who  was  as  full  iv  sayin's 
as  an  almanac,  used  to  sink  his  spoon  into 
th'  stirabout,  an'  say,  *  Well,  lads,  this  ain't 
bacon  an'  greens  an'  porther;  but  it'll  be 
annything  ye  like  if  ye'll  on'y  think  iv  th' 
Cassidys.'  Th'  Cassidys  was  th'  poorest 
fam'ly  in  th'  parish.  They  waked  th'  oldest 
son  in  small  beer,  an'  was  little  thought  of. 
Did  me  father  iver  ask  thim  in  to  share  th' 
stirabout  ?  Not  him.  An'  he  was  the  kind- 
est man  in  th'  wurruld.  He  had  a  heart  in 
him  as  big  as  a  lump  iv  turf,  but  he'd  say, 


ON  CHARITY  189 

*  Whin  ye  grow  up,  take  no  wan's  sorrows  to 
ye'ersilf,'  he  says.  *  'Tis  th'  wise  man  that 
goes  through  life  thinkin'  iv  himsilf,  fills  his 
own  stomach,  an*  takes  away  what  he  can't 
ate  in  his  pocket.'  An'  he  was  r-right,  Jawn. 
We  have  throubles  enough  iv  our  own.  Th' 
wurruld  goes  on  just  th'  same,  an'  ye  can  find 
fifty  men  to  say  th'  lit'ny  f'r  ye  to  wan 
that'll  give  ye  what'll  relieve  a  fastin'  spit. 
Th'  dead  ar-re  always  pop'lar.  I  knowed 
a  society  wanst  to  vote  a  monyment  to  a 
man  an'  refuse  to  help  his  fam'ly,  all  in 
wan  night.  'Tis  cowld  outside  th'  dure, 
ye  say,  but  'tis  war-rum  in  here;  an' 
I'm  gettin'  in  me  ol'  age  to  think  that  the 
diff'rence  between  hivin  an'  hell  is  no 
broader  " — 

Mr.  Dooley's  remarks  were  cut  short  by 
a  cry  from  the  back  room.  It  was  unmis- 
takably a  baby's  cry.  Mr.  McKenna  turned 
suddenly  in  amazement  as  Mr.  Dooley 
bolted. 

"  Well,  in  the  name  of  the  saints,  what's 
all  this?"  he  cried,  following  his  friend  into 


190  MR.  DOOLEY 

the  back  room.  He  found  the  philosopher, 
with  an  expression  of  the  utmost  sternness, 
sitting  on  the  side  of  his  bed,  with  a  little 
girl  of  two  or  three  in  his  arms.  The  phi- 
losopher was  singing :  — 

Ar-rah  rock-a-bye,  babby,  on  th'  three  top  : 
Whin  th'  wind  blo-ows,  th'  cradle  ull  r-rock  ; 
An',  a-whin  th'  bough  breaks,  th'  cradle  ull  fa-a-a-11, 
An*  a-down  ull  come  babby,  cradle,  an'  all. 

Then  he  sang :  — 

In  th'  town  iv  Kilkinny  there  du-wilt  a  fair  ma-aid, 
In  th'  town  iv  Kilkinny  there  du-wilt  a  fair  ma-aid. 
She  had  cheeks  like  th'  roses,  an'  hair  iv  th'  same, 
An'  a  mouth  like  ripe  sthrawburries  burrid  in  crame. 

He  rocked  the  child  to  and  fro,  and  its 
crying  ceased  while  he  sang  :  — 

Chip,  chip,  a  little  horse  ; 

Chip,  chip,  again,  sir. 
How  manny  miles  to  Dublin  ? 

Threescure  an'  tin,  sir. 

The  little  girl  went  to  sleep  on  Mr.  Doo- 
ley's  white  apron.     He  lifted  her  tenderly, 


ON  CHARITY  191 

and  carried  her  over  to  his  bed.  Then  he 
tiptoed  out  with  an  apprehensive  face,  and 
whispered :  "  It's  Jawn  Donahue's  kid  that 
wandherd  away  fr'm  home,  an'  wint  to  sleep 
on  me  dure-step.  I  sint  th'  Dorsey  boy  to 
tell  th'  mother,  but  he's  a  long  time  gone. 
Do  ye  run  over,  Jawn,  an'  lave  thim  know." 


ON   NANSEN. 

"I  SEE,"  said  Mr.  Dooley,  "that  Doc 
Nansen  has  come  back." 

"Yes,"  said  Mr.  McKenna.  "It's  a 
wonder  he  wouldn't  stay  till  winter.  ..If  I 
was  setting  on  an  iceberg  in  latitude  umpty- 
ump  north  of  Evanston  these  days,  they 
couldn't  pry  me  off  it  with  a  crowbar.  Not 
they." 

"  He  had  to  come  back,"  explained  Mr. 
Hennessy.  "  He  got  as  far  as  he  cud,  an' 
thin  he  was  foorced  be  th'  inclimincy  iv  th' 
weather  to  return  to  his  home  in  Feechoold, 
Norway." 

"  To  where  ? "  Mr.  Dooley  asked  con- 
temptuously. 

"  To  Foocheeld,  Norway,"  said  Mr.  Hen- 
nessy, with  some  misgivings. 

"  Ye  don't  know  what  ye're  talkin'  about," 
retorted  the  philosopher.  "  Ye  ought  to  go 
back  to  school  an'  study  gee-ography.  Th' 
place  he  come  back  to  was  Oostook,  Nor- 
way, between  Coopenhaagen  an' — an'  Rogers 
Park." 


ON  NANSEN  193 

"  Maybe  ye're  right,"  said  Mr.  Hennessy. 
"  Annyhow,  he  come  back,  chased  be  a  polar 
bear.  It  must  iv  been  a  thrillin'  experience, 
leppin'  fr'm  iceberg  to  iceberg,  with  a  polar 
bear  grabbin'  at  th'  seat  iv  his  pants,  an'  now 
an'  thin  a  walrus  swoopin'  down  fr'm  a  three 
an'  munchin'  his  hat." 

"  What  ta-alk  have  ye  ?  "  Mr.  Dooley  de- 
manded. "A  walrus  don't  fly,  foolish  man ! " 

"What  does  he  do,  thin?"  asked  Mr. 
Hennessy.  "  Go  'round  on  crutches  ?  " 

"  A  walrus,"  said  Mr.  Dooley,  "  is  an  ani- 
mal something  like  a  hor-rse,  but  more  like 
a  balloon.  It  doesn't  walk,  swim,  or  fly. 
It  rowls  whin  pur-suin'  its  prey.  It  whirls 
'round  an'  'round  at  a  speed  akel  to  a  rail- 
road injine,  meltin'  th'  ice  in  a  groove  behind 
it.  Tame  walruses  are  used  be  th'  Eskee- 
myoos,  th'  old  settlers  iv  thim  parts,  as  lawn- 
mowers  an'  to  press  their  clothes.  Th'  wild 
walrus  is  a  mos'  vicious  animal,  which  feeds 
on  snowballs  through  th'  day,  an'  thin  goes 
out  iv  nights  afther  artic  explorers,  which 
for-rms  its  principal  diet.  Theyse  a  gr-reat 


194  MR.  DOOLEY 

demand  among  walruses  f'r  artic  explorers, 
Swedes  preferred ;  an'  on  account  iv  th' 
scarcity  iv  this  food  it  isn't  more  than  wanst 
in  twinty  years  that  th'  walrus  gets  a  square 
meal.  Thin  he  devours  his  victim,  clothes, 
collar-buttons,  an'  all." 

"Well,  well,"  said  Mr.  Hennessy.  "I  had 
no  idee  they  was  that  ferocious.  I  thought 
they  were  like  bur-rds.  Don't  they  lay 
eggs?" 

"  Don't  they  lay  eggs  ? "  Mr.  Dooley  re- 
plied. "  Don't  they  lay  eggs  ?  Did  ye  iver 
hear  th'  like  iv  that,  Jawn  ?  Why,  ye  gaby, 
ye  might  as  well  ask  me  does  a  pianny  lay 
eggs.  Iv  coorse  not." 

"  I'd  like  to  know  what  the  objict  of  these 
here  arctic  explorations  is,"  interposed  Mr. 
McKenna,  in  the  interests  of  peace. 

"  Th'  principal  objict  is  to  get  rid  iv  an 
over-supply  iv  foolish  people,"  said  Mr. 
Dooley.  "In  this  counthry, whin  a  man  be- 
gins f'r  to  see  sthrange  things,  an'  hitch 
up  cockroaches,  an'  think  he's  Vanderbilt 
dhrivin'  a  four-in-hand,  we  sind  him  to  what 


ON  NANSEN  195 

me  ol'  frind  Sleepy  Burk  calls  th'  brain  col- 
lege. But  in  Norway  an'  Sweden  they 
sind  him  to  th'  North  Pole,  an'  feed  him  to 
th'  polar  bears  an'  th'  walruses.  A  man  that 
scorches  on  a  bicycle  or  wears  a  pink  shirt 
or  is  caught  thryin'  to  fry  out  a  stick  iv  din- 
nymite  in  a  kitchen  stove  is  given  a  boat  an' 
sint  off  to  play  with  Flora  an'  Fauna  in  th' 
frozen  North." 

"That's  what  I'd  like  to  know,"  said  Mr. 
Hennessy.  "  Who  ar-re  these  Flora  an' 
Fauna?  I  see  be  th'  pa-aper  that  Doc 
Nansen  stopped  at  Nootchinchoot  Islands, 
an'  saw  Flora  an'  Fauna ;  an'  thin,  comin' 
back  on  th'  ice,  he  encountherd  thim  again." 

"  I  suppose,"  said  Mr.  Dooley,  "  ye  think 
Flora  an'  Fauna  is  two  little  Eskeemy  girls 
at  skip-rope  an'  '  London  bridge  is  fallin' 
down '  on  th'  icebergs  an'  glaziers.  It's  a 
pretty  idee  ye  have  iv  th'  life  in  thim  parts. 
Little  Flora  an'  little  Fauna  playin'  stoop- 
tag  aroun'  a  whale  or  rushin'  th'  can  f 'r  their 
poor  tired  father  just  home  fr'm  th'  rollin- 
mills,  where  he's  been  makin'  snow-balls  f 'r 


196  MR.  DOOLEY 

th'  export  thrade,  or  engagin'  in  some  other 
spoort  iv  childhood  !  Go  wan  with  ye  !  " 

"  But  who  are  they,  annyhow?  " 

"  I  make  it  a  rule  in  me  life  not  to  discuss 
anny  woman's  charac-ter,"  replied  Mr.  Doo- 
ley,  sternly.  "If  Doc  Nansen  was  off  there 
skylarkin'  with  Flora  an'  Fauna,  it's  his  own 
business,  an'  I  make  no  inquiries.  A  lady's 
a  lady,  be  she  iver  so  humble ;  an',  as 
Shakespeare  says,  cursed  be  th'  man  that'd 
raise  an  ax  to  her,  save  in  th'  way  iv  a  joke. 
We'll  talk  no  scandal  in  this  house,  Hin- 
nissy." 

But,  after  his  friend  had  gone,  Mr.  Dooley 
leaned  over  confidentially,  and  whispered  to 
Mr.  McKenna,  "  But  who  are  Flora  an' 
Fauna,  Jawn  ? " 

"  I  don't  know,"  said  Mr.  McKenna. 

"  It  sounds  mighty  suspicious,  annyhow," 
said  the  philosopher.  "  I  hope  th'  doc'll  be 
able  to  square  it  with  his  wife." 


ON  A  POPULIST  CONVENTION. 

"  KEEP  ye'er  eye  on  th'  Pops,  Jawn. 
They're  gr-reat  people  an'  a  gr-reat  pa-arty. 
What  is  their  principles?  Anny  oP  thing 
that  th'  other  pa-arties  has  rijected.  Some 
iv  thim  is  in  favor  iv  coining  money  out  iv 
baled  hay  ran'  dhried  apples  at  a  ratio  iv  six- 
teen to  wan,  an'  some  is  in  favor  iv  coinin' 
on'y  th'  apples.  Thim  are  th'  inflationists. 
Others  want  th'  gover'mint  to  divide  up  the 
rivinues  equally  among  all  la-ads  that's  too 
sthrong  to  wurruk.  Th'  Pops  is  again  th' 
banks  an'  again  the  supreme  court  an  again 
havin'  gas  that  can  be  blowed  out  be  th' 
human  lungs.  A  sthrong  section  is  devoted 
to  th'  principal  iv  separatin'  Mark  Hanna 
fr'm  his  money. 

"A  ma-an  be  th'  name  iv  Cassidy,  that 
thravels  f 'r  a  liquor-house,  was  in  to  see  me 
this  mornin' ;  an'  he  come  fr'm  Saint  Looey. 
He  said  it  beat  all  he  iver  see  or  heerd  tell 
of.  Whin  th'  con-vintion  come  to  ordher, 
th'  chairman  says,  *  La-ads,  we'll  open  pro- 


198  MR.  DOOLEY 

ceedin's  be  havin'  th'  Hon'rable  Rube  Spike, 
fr'm  th'  imperyal  Territ'ry  iv  Okalahoma, 
cough  up  his  famous  song,  "  Pa-pa  Cleve- 
land's Teeth  are  filled  with  Goold." '  c  Mr. 
Chairman,'  says  a  delegate  fr'm  New  Mex- 
ico, risin'  an'  wavin'  his  boots  in  th'  air,  cif 
th'  skate  fr'm  Okalahoma  is  allowed  f 'r  to 
belch  anny  in  this  here  assimblage,  th'  dili- 
gates  fr'm  th'  imperyal  Territ'ry  iv  New  Mex- 
ico'll  lave  th'  hall.  We  have,'  he  says,  '  in 
our  mist  th'  Hon'rable  Lafayette  Hadley, 
whose  notes,'  he  says,  'falls  as  sweetly  on  th' 
ear,'  he  says,  '  as  th'  plunk  iv  hivin's  rain  in 
a  bar'l,'  he  says.  '  If  anny  wan  has  a  hemor- 
rhage iv  anthems  in  this  hall,  it'll  be  Lafe 
Hadley,  th'  Guthrie  batsoon,'  he  says.  'Ye 
shall  not,'  he  says,  c  press  down  upon  our 
bleedin'  brows,'  he  says,  '  this  cross  iv 
thorns,'  he  says.  'Ye  shall  not  crucify  th' 
diligates  fr'm  th'  imperyal  Territ'ry  iv  New 
Mexico  on  this  cross  iv  a  Mississippi  nigger 
an'  Crow  Injun  fr'm  Okalahoma,'  he  says. 
Thereupon,  says  me  frind  Cassidy,  th'  New 
Mexico  diligation  left  th'  hall,  pursued  be 
th'  diligation  from  Okalahoma. 


ON  A  POPULIST  CONVENTION  199 

"  Th'  chairman  knowed  his  business.  *  In 
ordher,'  he  says,  *  that  there  may  be  no  dis- 
ordher,'  he  says,  '  I  will  call  upon  th'  im- 
peryal  States/  he  says,  'an  Territ'ries,'  he 
says,  '  beginnin'  with  th'  imperyal  State  iv 
Alabama,'  he  says,  '  to  each  sind  wan  singer 
to  th*  platform,'  he  says,  *  f 'r  to  wring  our 
hear-rts  with  melodies,'  he  says.  '  Mean- 
time,' says  he, '  pathrites  who  have  differences 
iv  opinyon  on  anny  questions  can  pro-cure 
ex-helves  be  applyin'  to  th'  sergeant-at- 
arms,'  he  says.  '  Now,'  he  says,  '  if  th'  gin- 
tleman  fr'm  th'  imperyal  State  of  Miz- 
zoury'll  hand  me  up  a  cheek  full  iv  his  eatin' 
tobacco,'  he  says,  'we'll  listen  to  Willyum 
G.  Rannycaboo,  th'  boy  melodjun  iv  th' 
imperyal  State  iv  Alabama,'  he  says,  'who'll 
discoorse  his  well-known  ballad,  '  Th'  Su- 
preme Court  is  Full  iv  Standard  He,'  he 
says. 

"  Whin  th'  singin'  had  con-eluded,  so  me 
frind  Cassidy  says,  th'  chair  announced  that 
speakin'  would  be  in  ordher,  an'  th'  con-vin- 
tion  rose  as  wan  man.  Afther  ordher  had 


200  MR.  DOOLEY 

been  enforced  be  th'  sergeant -at -arms 
movin'  round,  an'  lammin'  diligates  with  a 
hoe,  a  tall  man  was  seen  standin'  on  a  chair. 
F  'r  some  moments  th'  chairman  was  enable 
to  call  his  name,  but  he  fin'lly  found  a  place 
to  spill ;  an'  in  a  clear  voice  he  says,  '  F'r 
what  purpose  does  th'  gintleman  fr'm  the 
imperyal  State  iv  Texas  arise  ? '  '  I  arise,' 
says  th'  ma-an,  '  f 'r  th'  purpose  iv  warnin' 
this  con-vintion  that  we  have  a  goold-bug  in 
our  mist,'  he  says.  Cries  iv  *  Throw  him 
out ! '  *  Search  him  ! '  *  Hang  him  ! '  arose. 

*  In  wandhrin'  through  th'  hall,  I  just  seen  a 
man  with  a  coat  on,'  he  says.     Great  excite- 
ment ensood,  says  me  frind  Cassidy;  an'  th' 
thremblin'  victim  was  brought  down  th'  aisle. 
4  What  have  ye  to  say  f 'r  ye'ersilf  ? '  demands 
th'    chairman    in    thundhrin'    tones.     '  On'y 
this,'  says  th'  goold-bug.     '  I  wandhered  in 
here,  lookin'  f 'r  frinds,'  he  says.     '  I  am  not 
a  goold-bug,'  he  says.     '  I  wear  me  coat,'  he 
says,  *  because    I    have    no    shirt,'  he    says. 

*  Gintlemen/  says  th'    chairman,  *  a  mistake 
has  been  made,' he  says.    'This  here  person, 


ON  A  POPULIST  CONVENTION  201 

who  bears  th'  appearance  iv  a  plutocrat,  is 
all  right  underneath,'  he  says.  *  He's  a  dili- 
gate  to  th'  silver  convintion,'  he  says.  *  Go 
in  peace,'  he  says. 

"  Be  this  time  'twas  gr-rowin'  late,  an'  th' 
convintion  adjourned.  *  Before  ye  lave,' 
says  th'  chairman,  *  I  have  to  announce  that 
on  account  iv  th'  chairman  of  the  comity 
havin'  been  imprisoned  in  a  foldin'-bed  an' 
th'  sicrity  havin'  mistook  th'  fire  extinguisher 
f 'r  a  shower  bath,  they'll  be  no  meeting'  iv 
th'  comity  on  rules  till  to-morrow  night. 
Durin'  th'  interval,'  he  says, '  th'  convintion'll 
continue  ketch-as-ketch  can,'  he  says." 

"  Well,"  said  Mr.  McKenna,  "  to  think  of 
taking  this  here  country  out  of  the  hands  of 
William  C.  Whitney  and  Grover  Cleveland 
and  J.  Pierpont  Morgan  and  Ickleheimer 
Thalmann,  and  putting  it  in  the  hands  of 
such  men.  What  do  you  think  about  it  ?  " 

"  I  think,"  said  Mr.  Dooley,  "  that  Cassidy 
lied" 


ON  A  FAMILY  REUNION. 

"  WHY  aren't  you  out  attending  the  reun- 
ion of  the  Dooley  family  ?  "  Mr.  McKenna 
asked  the  philosopher. 

"  Thim's  no  rel-ations  to  me,"  Mr.  Dooley 
answered.  "  Thim's  farmer  Dooleys.  No 
wan  iv  our  fam'ly  iver  lived  in  th'  counthry. 
We  live  in  th'  city,  where  they  burn  gas  an' 
have  a  polis  foorce  to  get  on  to.  We're  no 
farmers,  diwle  th'  bit.  We  belong  to  th' 
industhreel  classes.  Thim  must  be  th'  Fer- 
managh Dooleys,  a  poor  lot,  Jawn,  an' 
always  on  good  terms  with  th'  landlord,  bad 
ciss  to  thim,  says  I.  We're  from  Roscom- 
mon.  They'se  a  Dooley  family  in  Wixford 
an'  wan  near  Ballybone  that  belonged  to  th' 
constabulary.  I  met  him  but  wanst.  'Twas 
at  an  iviction ;  an',  though  he  didn't  know 
me,  I  inthrajooced  mesilf  be  landin'  him 
back  iv  th'  ear  with  a  bouldher  th'  size  iv 
ye'er  two  fists  together.  He  didn't  know 
me  aftherwards,  ayether. 

"We  niver  had  but  wan  reunion  iv  th' 


ON  A  FAMILY  REUNION    203 

Dooley  fam'ly,  an'  that  was  tin  years  ago. 
Me  cousin  Felix's  boy  Aloysius, —  him  that 
aftherwards  wint  to  New  York  an*  got  a 
good  job  dhrivin'  a  carredge  f 'r  th'  captain 
iv  a  polis  station, —  he  was  full  iv  pothry  an' 
things ;  an'  he  come  around  wan  night,  an' 
says  he,  '  D'ye  know,'  he  says,  '  'twud  be 
th'  hite  iv  a  good  thing  f 'r  th'  Dooleys  to 
have  a  reunion,'  he  says.  'We  ought  to 
come  together,'  he  says,  *  an'  show  the  peo- 
ple iv  this  ward,'  he  says,  '  how  sthrong  we 
are,'  he  says.  *  Ye  might  do  it  betther,  me 
buck,'  says  I,  *  shovellin'  slag  at  th'  mills,' 
I  says.  '  But  annyhow,  if  ye'er  mind's  set 
on  it,  go  ahead,'  I  says,  '  an'  I'll  attind  to 
havin'  th'  polis  there,'  I  says,  *  f 'r  I  have  a 
dhrag  at  th'  station.' 

"  Well,  he  sint  out  letthers  to  all  th'  Ros- 
common  Dooleys ;  an'  on  a  Saturdah  night 
we  come  together  in  a  rinted  hall  an'  held  th' 
reunion.  'Twas  great  sport  f'r  a  while. 
Some  iv  us  hadn't  spoke  frindly  to  each 
other  f'r  twinty  years,  an'  we  set  around  an' 
toP  stories  iv  Roscommon  an'  its  green 


204  MR.  DOOLEY 

fields,  an'  th'  stirabout  pot  that  was  niver 
filled,  an*  th'  blue  sky  overhead  an*  th'  boggy 
ground  undherfoot.  *  Which  Dooley  was  it 
that  hamsthrung  th'  cows? '  *  Mike  Dooley 's 
Pat.'  '  Naw  such  thing :  'twas  Pat  Dooley's 
Mike.  I  mane  Pat  Dooley's  Mike's  Pat.' 
F'r  'tis  with  us  as  with  th'  rest  iv  our  people. 
Ye  take  th'  Dutchman :  he  has  as  manny 
names  to  give  to  his  childher  as  they'se  nails 
in  his  boots,  but  an  Irishman  has  th'  pick  iv 
on'y  a  few.  I  knowed  a  man  be  th'  name 
iv  Clancy, —  a  man  fr'm  Kildare.  He  had 
fifteen  childher ;  an',  whin  th'  las'  come,  he 
says,  c  Dooley,  d'ye  happen  to  know  anny 
saints? '  c  None  iv  thim  thrades  here,'  says 
I.  c  Why? '  says  I.  c  They'se  a  new  kid  at 
th'  house,'  he  says;  can',  be  me  troth,  I've 
run  out  iv  all  th'  saints  I  knew,  an',  if  some- 
wan  don't  come  to  me  assistance,  I'll  have  to 
turn  th'  child  out  on  th'  wurruld  without  th' 
rag  iv  a  name  to  his  back,'  he  says. 

"  But  I  was  tellin'  ye  about  th'  reunion. 
They  was  lashins  iv  dhrink  an'  story-tellin', 
an'  Felix's  boy  Aloysius  histed  a  banner  he 


ON  A  FAMILY  REUNION    205 

had  made  with  c  Dooley  aboo'  painted  on  it. 
But,  afther  th'  night  got  along,  some  iv  us 
begun  to  raymimber  that  most  iv  us  hadn't 
been  frinds  f'r  long.  Mrs.  Morgan 
Dooley,  she  that  was  Molly  Dooley  before 
she  married  Morgan,  she  turns  to  me,  an' 
says  she,  *  'Tis  sthrange  they  let  in  that 
Hogan  woman,'  she  says, —  that  Hogan 
woman,  Jawn,  bein'  th'  wife  iv  her  husband's 
brother.  She  heerd  her  say  it,  an'  she  says, 
*  I'd  have  ye  to  undherstand  that  no  wan 
iver  come  out  iv  Roscommon  that  cud  hold 
up  their  heads  with  th'  Hogans,'  she  says. 
c  'Tis  not  f  r  th'  likes  iv  ye  to  slandher  a 
fam'ly  that's  iv  th'  landed  gintry  iv  Ireland, 
an'  f'r  two  pins  I'd  hit  ye  a  poke  in  th'  eye,' 
she  says.  If  it  hadn't  been  f'r  me  bein'  be- 
tween thim,  they'd  have  been  trouble;  f'r 
they  was  good  frinds  wanst.  What  is  it  th' 
good  book  says  about  a  woman  scorned? 
Faith,  I've  forgotten. 

"  Thin  me  uncle  Mike  come  in,  as  rough 
a  man  as  iver  laid  hands  on  a  polisman. 
Felix  Dooley  was  makin'  a  speech  on  th' 


206  MR.  DOOLEY 

vartues  iv  th'  fam'ly.  c  Th'  Dooleys/  says 
he,  c  can  stand  before  all  th'  wurruld,  an'  no 
man  can  say  ought  agin  ayether  their  honor 
or  their  integrity/  says  he.  c  Th'  man  that's 
throwin'  that  at  ye,'  says  me  uncle  Mike, 
c  stole  a  saw  fr'm  me  in  th'  year  sivinty-frve.' 
Felix  paid  no  attintion  to  me  uncle  Mike, 
but  wint  on,  c  We  point  proudly  to  th' 
motto,  "Dooley  aboo  —  Dooley  P  river." 
c  Th'  saw  aboo,'  says  me  uncle  Mike.  *  Th' 
Dooleys,'  says  Felix,  c  stood  beside  Red 
Hugh  O'Neill ;  an',  whin  he  cut  aff  his  hand, 
— '  c  He  didn't  cut  it  off  with  anny  wan 
else's  saw,'  says  me  uncle  Mike.  *  They'se 
an  old  sayin','  wint  on  Felix.  c  An'  ol'  saw,' 
says  me  uncle  Mike.  '  But  'twas  new  whin 
ye  stole  it.' 

"  c  Now  look  here,'  says  Aloysius,  c  this 
thing  has  gone  far. enough.  'Tis  an  outrage 
that  this  here  man  shud  come  here  f'r  to  in- 
sult th'  head  iv  th'  fam'ly.'  c  Th'  head  iv 
what  fam'ly  ? '  says  Morgan  Dooley,  jumpin' 
up  as  hot  as  fire.  c  I'm  th'  head  iv  th' 
fam'ly,'  he  says,  c  be  right  iv  histhry.' 


ON  A  FAMILY  REUNION    207 

'Ye're  an  ol'  cow/  says  me  uncle  Mike. 
c  Th'  back  iv  me  hand  an1  th'  sowl  iv  me  fut 
to  all  iv  ye/  he  says.  c  I  quit  ye/  he  says. 
c  Ye're  all  livin'  here  undher  assumed  names' ; 
an'  he  wint  out,  followed  be  Morgan  Dooley 
with  a  chair  in  each  hand. 

"Well,  they  wasn't  two  Dooleys  in  th' 
hall'd  speak  whin  th'  meetin'  broke  up ;  an' 
th'  Lord  knows,  but  I  don't  to  this  day, 
who's  th'  head  iv  th'  Dooley  fam'ly.  All  I 
know  is  that  I  had  wan  th'  nex'  mornin'." 


ON  A  FAMOUS  WEDDING. 

"  YE  see,  Jawn,"  he  said  "  'twas  this  way  : 
The  Jook  iv  Marlburrow  is  a  young  lad  an' 
poor.  Ye  can't  think  of  a  jook  bein'  poor, 
but  'tis  a  fact  that  they'se  many  a  wan  iv 
thim  that's  carryin'  th'  banner  at  this  min- 
yit.  Hinnissy,  if  he  had  his  rights,  is  Jook 
iv  Munster;  an'  ye  know  what  he's  got. 
The  Jook  iv  Marlburrow,  whin  he  come 
out  iv  th'  academy  where  they  had  him,  he 
hadn't  a  cint  to  his  name.  Ne'er  a  wan. 

"They  ain't  manny  jobs  f'r  a  young 
jook.  Th'  thrade  is  limited;  an'  this  here 
la-ad  wint  round  night  an*  day  lookin'  f'r  a 
sign,  'Wanted,  a  young  jook,  r-ready  an' 
willin'  to  do  light  family  jookin','  an'  no 
sign  did  he  see.  He  was  in  a  bad  way  ;  f'r 
the  la-ad's  father  was  dead,  th'  ol'  jook. 
He  was  a  fine  bucko.  He  had  a  divorce 
fr'm  his  wife,  an'  marrid  another ;  an',  whin 
he  died,  she  marrid  somewan  else  an'  took 
the  roly-boly  with  her.  This  was  ha-ard  on 
th'  lad. 


ON  A  FAMOUS  WEDDING  209 

"  But  he  come  iv  a  noble  race,  an*  wan 
that  had  reed  burruds  whin  their  betthers 
had  snowballs.  Did  ye  iver  read  histhry, 
Jawn  ?  Ye  ought  to.  'Tis  betther  thin  th' 
Polis  Gazette,  an1  near  as  thrue.  Well,  Jawn, 
this  here  young  man  come  fr'm  a  gr-eat 
gin'ral,  a  fine-lookin'  la-ad  that  had  manny 
a  mash  in  his  day,  an'  niver  lost  money  be 
wan  iv  thim.  Ye'll  find  all  about  him  in 
Casey's  c  Histhry  iv  English  Misrule  in  Ire- 
land: Th'  Story  iv  a  Crime.'  'Tis  good 
readin'. 

"Th'  la-ad's  father  marrid  a  rich  woman. 
So  did  his  uncle.  So  ye  see  he  was  a  natural 
bor-rn  fi-nanceer.  An'  he  begun  to  luk 
around  him  f'r  what  th'  pa-apers  calls  a 
'  financee.' 

"He  didn't  have  far  to  go.  I  dinnaw  how 
he  done  it,  whether  th'  Gander  bilks  asked 
him  'r  he  asked  th'  Ganderbilks.  Annyhow, 
'twas  arranged.  'Twas  horse  an*  horse  be- 
tween thim.  Th'  Ganderbilks  had  money, 
an'  he  was  a  jook.  They  was  wan  divorce 
on  each  side.  So  they  imported  him  over, 


210  MR.  DOOLEY 

what  they  call  assisted  immygration.  He 
didn't  come  undher  th'  head  iv  skilled  work- 
man. They  must've  classed  him  as  a  do- 
mestic servant.  Th'  first  thing  he  done  was 
to  get  himsilf  arristed.  A  man  be  th'  name 
iv  Sweeney, —  there  are  some  good  Swee- 
neys,  though  it's  a  name  I  don't  like  on  ac- 
count iv  wan  iv  thim  stealin'  me  fa-ather's 
grin'stone, —  a  man  be  th'  name  iv  Sweeney, 
a  polisman,  r-run  him  in  f'r  disordherly 
conduct.  They  got  him  out  with  a  pull. 
Thin  he  sint  f'r  lawyers  an'  f'r  his  finan- 
cee's  father,  an'  they  settled  down  to  talk 
business.  c  Well,'  says  Ganderbilk,  '  how 
much  d'ye  want  ? '  he  says.  c  I  '11  give  ye  a 
millyon.'  c  Goowan,'  says  th'  jook,  c  I  cud 
get  that  much  marry  in'  some  wan  I  knew.' 
c  Thin  how  much  d'ye  want  ? '  says  Gander- 
bilk.  <  Well,'  says  th'  jook,  <  th'  castle  has 
to  be  put  in  repair.  Th'  plumbin'  is  all  gone 
to  th'  diwle,  an'  they'll  have  to  be  a  new 
catch-basin  put  in,'  he  says.  c  Thin  they'se 
calciminin'  an'  paper-hangin', —  well,  call  it 
tin  millyons.'  (  But  what  do  I  get  out  iv 


ON  A  FAMOUS  WEDDING  211 

it? '  says  Gander  bilk.  c  Have  ye  a  ticket  to 
th'  church  to  see  me  marrid  ? '  says  th'  jook. 
c  No/  says  his  pappa-in-law.  c  Well,  here's 
a  couple/  says  th'  jook.  ( Bring  wan  iv  ye'er 
frinds  with  ye/  So  Ganderbilk  he  coughed. 

They  say  th1  jook  was  that  poor  he  had 
to  have  his  coat  made  out  iv  what  was  left 
over  fr'm  his  pants,  they  do  so.  But  he  was 
at  th'  church  bright  an*  early ;  an'  Gander- 
bilk  he  was  there,  too,  standin'  out  on  th' 
steps  in  th'  cold,  combin'  his  whiskers  — 
he  wears  a  pair  iv  sluggers — with  his  fin- 
gers. Afther  awhile  his  daughter,  the  jook's 
financee,  come  along;  an',  seein'  the  jook, 
says  she,  c  Pappa/  she  says,  c  inthrojooce  me 
to  ye'er  frind.'  c  Jook/  says  Ganderbilk, 
c  shake  hands  with  me  daughther.  She's 
your's/  he  says.  An'  so  they  were  marrid. 

"  Well,  Jawn,"  said  Mr.  Dooley,  becom- 
ing serious, "  'tis  a  dhroll  wurruld,  an'  I  sup- 
pose we've  got  to  take  th'  jooks  an'  th' 
Ganderbilks  with  the  r-rest.  I'm  goin'  to  a 
weddin'  mesilf  nex'  week.  Th'  banns  has 
been  called  between  little  Dalia  Hogan  an* 


212  MR.  DOOLEY 

big  Tom  Moran.  They've  been  engaged 
f  'r  three  year,  her  wurrkin'  in  a  box  facthry 
an*  him  doin'  overtime  at  th'  blast.  They've 
money  enough  to  start,  an*  it'll  not  cost  oP 
ma-an  Hogan  a  cint.  But,  whin  he  spoke 
about  it  las'  night,  he  cried  as  if  his  heart'd 
break." 


ON  A  QUARREL  BETWEEN  ENG- 
LAND AND  GERMANY. 

MR.  McKENNA  was  aware  that  a  gentle 
feud  had  existed  between  Mr.  Dooley  and 
Mr.  Schwartzmeister,  the  German  saloon- 
keeper down  Archey  Road,  for  some  years. 
It  was  based  upon  racial  differences,  but  had 
been  accented  when  Mr.  Schwartzmeister 
put  in  a  pool  table.  Of  course  there  was 
no  outburst.  When  the  two  met  on  the 
street,  Mr.  Dooley  saluted  his  neighbor  cor- 
dially, in  these  terms  :  "  Good-nobben,  Hair 
Schwartzmeister,  an'  vas  magst  too  yet,  me 
brave  bucko ! "  To  which  Mr.  Schwartz- 
meister invariably  retorted :  cc  Py  chapers, 
Tooley,  where  you  haf  been  all  der  time, 
py  chapers  ?  "  But  this  was  mere  etiquette. 
In  the  publicity  of  their  own  taverns  they 
entertained  no  great  regard  for  each  other. 
Mr.  Schwartzmeister  said  a  friend  of  his  had 
been  poisoned  by  Mr.  Dooley's  beer,  and 
Mr.  Dooley  confessed  that  he  would  rather 
go  to  a  harness-shop  for  whiskey  than  to 


214  MR.  DOOLEY 

Mr.  Schwartzmeister's.  Consequently,  Mr. 
McKenna  was  amazed  to  learn  that  Mr. 
Schwartzmeister  had  been  entertained  by  the 
philosopher,  and  that  they  had  paraded 
Archey  Road  arm-in-arm  at  a  late  hour. 

"  Tubby  sure  he  was/*  said  Mr.  Dooley. 
"Tubby  sure  he  was.  Right  where  ye're 
standin'  at  this  moment,  me  dhrinkin'  beer 
an*  him  callin'  f  'r  hot  Irish.  c  Make  it 
hot/  he  says.  c  Make  it  hot,  me  frind ;  an1 
we'll  make  it  hot  f  'r  th'  British  between  us/ 
says  Schwartzmeister. 

cc  It  come  about  this  way  :  Ye  see  Willum 
Joyce  come  in,  an*  says  he,  c  We've  got 
thim.'  c  Sure/  says  I.  c  We've  the  comity- 
man,  haven't  we  ? '  c  Th'  Dutch  is  with  us/ 
he  says.  c  I  mane  the  Germans  is  our 
frinds.'  c  Ye're  goin'  too  far  there/  says  I. 
c  Stuckart  was  again  Reed  las'  spring.' 
c  No,  no/  says  Willum  Joyce,  he  says. 
c  Th'  Germans  is  up  in  ar-rms  again  th' 
Sassenach/  he  says.  c  Mind  ye/  he  says, 
c  mind  ye/  he  says,  c  'tis  our  jooty  to  be 
frindly  with  th'  Germans/  he  says.  'I'm 


ON  ENGLAND  AND  GERMANY  215 

now  on  me  way  Pr  to  organ-ize  a  camp  iv 
me  Dutch  frinds  down  be  th'  slough/  he 
says.  An*  off  he  goes. 

"  'Twas  not  long  afther  whin  I  heerd  a 
man  singin'  £  Th'  Wearin'  iv  th'  Green ' 
down  th'  sthreet,  an*  in  come  Schwartz- 
meister.  c  Faugh  a  ballagh/  says  he,  meanin' 
to  be  polite.  c  Lieb  vaterland/  says  I. 
An'  we  had  a  dhrink  together. 

" c  Veil/  says  he  (ye  know  th'  murdhrin' 
way  he  has  iv  speakin'),  c  here  we  are/  he 
says, c  frinds  at  las'.'  c  Thrue  f 'r  ye/  says  I. 
c  Tooley/  he  says,  f 'r  he  calls  me  that, 
c  we're  wan  to-night,  alretty/  he  says.  c  We 
are  that/  says  I.  c  But,  glory  be,  who  iver 
thought  th'  Irish'd  live  to  see  th'  day  whin 
they'd  be  freed  be  th'  Dutch?  Schwartz, 
me  lieber  frind/  I  says,  '  here's  a  health  to 
th'  imp'ror,  hock/  says  I.  <  Slanthu/  says 
he  ;  an'  we  had  wan. 

" c  'Twud  be  a  great  combination/  says  I. 
c  We'd  carry  th'  wa-ard  be  th'  biggest  ma- 
jority iver  heerd  iv,'  I  says.  c  We  wud  so/ 
says  he.  c  I'd  be  aldherman.'  'Afther  me/ 


216  MR.  DOOLEY 

says  I.  c  'Tis  my  turn  first/  I  says.  c  I 
don't  know  about  that/  says  he.  c  Now/ 
says  I,  c  look  here,  Schwartzmeister/  I  says. 
'This  here  arrangement  between  Germany 
an*  Ireland  has  got  to  be  brought  down 
to  th'  Sixth  Wa-ard/  I  says.  c  Do  ye  f  'rgive 
th'  way  we  done  ye  in  th'  beer  rites  ? '  I  says. 
c  I  do/  says  he.  c  They  was  befure  me  time/ 
'Well/  says  I,  'are  ye  sure  ye  can  get  over 
th'  whalin'  ye  got  whin  th'  Sarsfield  Fife  an' 
Dhrum  Corpse  met  th'  Frederick  Willum 
Picnic  Band  ? '  I  says.  c  I  do/  says  he. 
'An'  ye  have  no  har-rd  feelin'  about  th'  way 
th'  bridges  has  been  give  Out  ? '  c  Not  a 
thrace/  says  he.  c  Well/  says  I, c  Schwartz/ 
I  says,  €  they'se  wan  thing  more/  I  says. 
c  We're  both  pathrites/  I  says.  c  We  have  a 
common  cause/  I  says.  cYe're  a  Dutch- 
man, an'  I'm  iv'  th'  other  sort/  I  says.  c  But 
we're  both  again  th'  Sassenach/  I  says.  c  An' 
in  th'  inthrests  iv  th'  freedom  iv  Ireland/  I 
says,  c  I  f 'rgive  ye  th'  pool  table.' 

"Well,  sir,  Jawn,  he  wept  like  a   child. 
*  Tooley/  he  says, c  we'll  march  side  be  side/ 


ON  ENGLAND  AND  GERMANY  217 

he  says.  c  Both  iv  us  in  th'  front  rank/  he 
says.  cAldherman  Tooley  an*  Aldherman 
Schwartzmeister,  to  free  Ireland/  he  says. 
c  But  where  does  Germany  come  in  ? '  he  says. 
c  Germany! '  says  I,  c  Germany!  Well,  we'll 
take  care  iv  Germany,  all  right.  We'll  let 
Germans  into  th'  prim'ries/  I  says.  An* 
there  an'  thin  we  formed  th'  Sarsfield-an'- 
Gatty  camp.  Gatty  is  a  German  frind  iv 
Schwartzmeister.  We  shook  dice  to  see 
which  name'd  come  first.  Ireland  won. 
They  was  my  dice. 

"  I  learned  Schwartzmeister  th'  Shan-van- 
Voght  before  we  was  through ;  an'  I've  got 
th'  German  naytional  chune  be  heart, —  clch 
vice  nit  wauss  allus  bay  doitan'.  What'll 
ye  have  to  drink,  Jawn  ?  " 

And,  as  Mr.  McKenna  went  out,  he  heard 
his  friend  muttering :  "  Freed  be  th'  Dutch  ! 
Freed  be  the  Dutch  !  An'  we  niver  give 
thim  so  much  as  a  dillygate." 


ON  ORATORY  IN  POLITICS. 

"  I  MIND  th'  first  time  Willum  J.  O'Brien 
r-run  f'r  office,  th'  Ray  publicans  an'  th' 
Indypindants  an'  th'  Socialists  an'  th'  Prohy- 
bitionist  (he's  dead  now,  his  name  was  Lar- 
kin)  nommynated  a  young  man  be  th'  name 
iv  Dorgan  that  was  in  th'  law  business  in 
Halsted  Sthreet,  near  Cologne,  to  r-run 
again'  him.  Smith  O'Brien  Dorgan  was  his 
name,  an'  he  was  wan  iv  th'  most  iloquint 
young  la-ads  that  iver  made  a  speakin' 
thrumpet  iv  his  face.  He  cud  holler  like 
th'  impire  iv  a  base-ball  game ;  an',  whin  he 
delivered  th'  sintimints  iv  his  hear-rt,  ye'd 
think  he  was  thryin'  to  confide  thim  to  a 
man  on  top  iv  a  high  buildin'.  He  was 
prisidint  iv  th'  lithry  club  at  th'  church; 
an*  Father  Kelly  tol'  me  that,  th'  day  afther 
he  won  th'  debate  on  th'  pen  an'  th'  soord 
in  favor  iv  th'  pen,  they  had  to  hire  a  car- 
penter to  mend  th'  windows,  they'd  sagged 
so.  They  called  him  th'  boy  or-rator  iv 
Healey's  slough. 


ON  ORATORY  IN  POLITICS  219 

"He  planned  th'  campaign  himsilf.  c  I'll 
not  re-sort/  says  he,  c  to  th'  ordin'ry  meth- 
ods/ he  says.  c  Th'  thing  to  do/  he  says, 
'is  to  prisint  th'  issues  iv  th'  day  to  th' 
voters/  he  says.  *  I'll  burn  up  ivry  precin't 
in  th'  ward  with  me  iloquince/  he  says. 
An'  he  bought  a  long  black  coat,  an'  wint 
out  to  spread  th'  light. 

"He  talked  ivry  where.  Th'  people 
jammed  Finucane's  Hall,  an'  he  tol'  thim 
th'  time  had  come  f 'r  th'  masses  to  r-rise. 
c  Raymimber/  says  he,  c  th'  idees  iv  No- 
vimb'r/  he  says.  (  Raymimber  Demosthens 
an'  Cicero  an'  Oak  Park/  he  says.  c  Ray- 
mimber th'  thraditions  iv  ye'er  fathers,  iv 
Washin'ton  an'  Jefferson  an'  Andhrew  Jack- 
son an'  John  L.  Sullivan/  he  says.  cYe 
shall  not,  Billy  O'Brien/  he  says,  'crucify  th' 
voters  iv  th'  Sixth  Ward  on  th'  double  cross/ 
he  says.  He  spoke  to  a  meetin'  in  Deerin' 
Sthreet  in  th'  same  wuruds.  He  had  th' 
sthreet-car  stopped  while  he  coughed  up  ree- 
marks  about  th'  Constitution  until  th'  bar-rn 
boss  sint  down  an'  threatened  to  discharge 


220  MR.  DOOLEY 

Mike  Dwyer  that  was  dhrivin'  wan  hun- 
dherd  an*  eight  in  thim  days,  though  thrans- 
ferred  to  Wintworth  Avnoo  later  on.  He 
made  speeches  to  polismin  in  th'  squadroom 
an*  to  good  la-ads  hoistin'  mud  out  iv  th' 
dhraw  at  th'  red  bridge.  People'd  be  settin' 
quite  in  th'  back  room  playin'  forty-fives 
whin  Smith  O'Brien  Dorgan'd  burst  in,  an' 
addhress  thim  on  th'  issues  iv  th'  day. 

"Now  all  this  time  Bill  O'Brien  was 
campaignin'  in  his  own  way.  He  niver  med 
wan  speech.  No  wan  knew  whether  he  was 
f'r  a  tariff  or  again  wan,  or  whether  he 
sthud  be  Jefferson  or  was  knockin'  him,  or 
whether  he  had  th'  inthrests  iv  th'  toilin' 
masses  at  hear-rt  or  whether  he  wint  to  mass 
at  all,  at  all.  But  he  got  th'  superintindint 
iv  th'  rollin'-mills  with  him ;  an'  he  put 
three  or  four  good  faml'ies  to  wurruk  in  th' 
gas-house,  where  he  knew  th'  main  guy,  an' 
he  made  reg'lar  calls  on  th'  bar-rn  boss  iv 
th'  sthreet-ca-ars.  He  wint  to  th'  picnics, 
an'  hired  th'  or-chesthry  f'r  th'  dances,  an' 
voted  himsilf  th'  most  pop'lar  man  at  th' 


ON  ORATORY  IN  POLITICS  221 

church  fair  at  an  expinse  iv  at  laste  five 
hundherd  dollars.  No  wan  that  come  near 
him  wanted  f 'r  money.  He  had  headquar- 
thers  in  ivry  saloon  fr'm  wan  end  iv  th' 
ward  to  th'  other.  All  th'  pa-apers  printed 
his  pitcher,  an'  sthud  by  him  as  th'  frind  iv 
th'  poor. 

"Well,  people  liked  to  hear  Dorgan  at 
first,  but  afther  a  few  months  they  got  on- 
aisy.  He  had  a  way  iv  breakin'  into  festive 
gatherin's  that  was  enough  to  thry  a  saint. 
He  delayed  wan  prize  fight  two  hours,  en- 
couragin'  th'  voters  prisint  to  stand  be  their 
principles,  while  th'  principles  sat  shiverin'  in 
their  cor-rners  until  th'  polis  r-run  him  out. 
It  got  so  that  men'd  bound  into  alleys  whin 
he  come  up  th'  sthreet.  People  in  th'  liquor 
business  rayfused  to  let  him  come  into  their 
places.  His  fam'ly  et  in  th'  coal-shed  f 'r 
fear  iv  his  speeches  at  supper.  He  wint  on 
talkin',  and  Willum  J.  O'Brien  wint  on 
handin'  out  th'  dough  that  he  got  fr'm  th' 
gas  company  an'  con-ciliatin'  th'  masses ;  an', 
whin  iliction  day  come,  th'  judges  an'  clerks 


222  MR.  DOOLEY 

was  all  f  'r  O'Brien,  an*  Dorgan  didn't  get 
votes  enough  to  wad  a  gun.  He  sat  up  near 
all  night  in  his  long  coat,  makin'  speeches  to 
himsilf ;  but  tord  mornin'  he  come  over  to 
my  place  where  O'Brien  sat  with  his  la-ads. 
£  Well/  says  O'Brien,  c  how  does  it  suit  ye?' 
he  says.  c  It's  sthrange,'  says  Dorgan.  c  Not 
sthrange  at  all,'  says  Willum  J.  O'Brien. 
c  Whin  ye've  been  in  politics  as  long  as  I 
have,  ye'll  know,'  he  says,  cthat  th'  roly- 
boly  is  th'  gr-reatest  or-rator  on  earth,'  he 
says.  cTh'  American  nation  in  th'  Sixth 
Ward  is  a  fine  people,'  he  says.  c  They  love 
th'  eagle,'  he  says,  c  on  th'  back  iv  a  dollar,' 
he  says.  c  Well,'  says  Dorgan,  c  I  can't  un- 
dherstand  it,'  he  says.  c  I  med  as  manny  as 
three  thousan'  speeches,'  he  says.  f  Well,' 
says  Willum  J.  O'Brien, c  that  was  my  ma- 
jority,' he  says.  '  Have  a  dhrink,'  he 
says." 


ON  CHRISTMAS  GIFTS. 

THE  approach  of  Christmas  is  heralded  in 
Archey  Road  by  many  of  the  signs  that  are 
known  to  the  less  civilized  and  more  pros- 
perous parts  of  the  city.  The  people  look 
poorer,  colder,  and  more  hopeful  than  at 
other  times.  The  bakeries  assume  an  old 
country  appearance  of  gayety.  The  saloons 
are  well  filled.  Also,  if  you  have  your  eyes 
about  you,  you  may  catch  a  glimpse,  now 
and  then,  through  a  frosted  window-pane  of 
a  stunted  Christmas  tree,  laden  slenderly  with 
glass  balls  and  ropes  of  red  popcorn,  the 
work  of  painful  hands  after  the  childher  are 
abed.  Mr.  Dooley  knew  Christmas  was 
coming  by  the  calendar,  the  expiration  of  his 
quarterly  license,  and  Mr.  Hennessy  coming 
in  with  a  doll  in  his  pocket  and  a  rocking- 
chair  under  his  arm. 

"  Prisints  ? "  said  the  philosopher. 

"Yis,"  said  Mr.  Hennessy.  "I  had  to 
do  it.  I  med  up  me  mind  this  year  that  I 
wudden't  buy  anny  Chris'mas  prisints  or 


224  MR.  DOOLEY 

take  anny.  I  can't  afford  it.  Times  has 
been  fearful  ha-ard,  an'  a  look  iv  pain  comes 
over  th'  oP  woman's  face  whin  I  hold  out 
fifty  cints  fr'm  me  salary  on  Saturdah  night. 
I  give  it  out  that  I  didn't  want  annything, 
but  they'se  so  much  scurryin'  ar-round  an' 
hidin'  things  whin  I  go  in  that  I  know 
they've  got  something  f 'r  me.  I  cudden't 
stand  it  no  longer,  so  I  wint  down  town  to- 
night, down  be  Shekel  an'  Whooper's  place, 
an'  bought  these  things.  This  is  a  fine  doll 
f 'r  th'  money." 

"It  is,"  said  Mr.  Dooley,  taking  the 
doll  and  examining  it  with  the  eye  of  an  art 
critic.  "It  closes  its  eyes, —  yis,  an',  bedad, 
it  cries  if  ye  punch  it.  They're  makin'  these 
things  more  like  human  bein's  ivry  year. 
An'  does  it  say  pap-pah  an'  mam-mah,  I 
dinnaw? " 

"  No,"  said  Mr.  Hennessy,  "  th'  pap-pah 
an*  mam-mah  dolls  costs  too  much." 

"Well,"  continued  Mr.  Dooley,  "we 
can't  have  ivrything  we  want  in  this  wurruld. 
If  I  had  me  way,  I'd  buy  goold  watches  an* 


ON  CHRISTMAS  GIFTS      225 

chains  f  'r  ivrybody  in  th'  r-road,  an'  a  few 
iv  th'  good  Germans.  I  feel  that  gin'rous. 
But  'tis  no  use.  Ye  can't  give  what  ye  want. 
Ivry  little  boy  ixpects  a  pony  at  Chris'mas, 
an*  ivry  little  girl  a  chain  an'  locket ;  an* 
ivry  man  thinks  he's  sure  goin'  to  get  th' 
goold-headed  cane  he's  longed  f 'r  since  he 
come  over.  But  they  all  fin'lly  land  on 
rockin'-horses  an'  dolls,  an'  suspindhers  that 
r-run  pink  flowers  into  their  shirts  an'  tattoo 
thim  in  summer.  An'  they  conceal  their 
grief  Chris'mas  mornin'  an'  thry  to  look 
pleasant  with  murdher  in  their  hearts. 

"  Some  wan  has  always  give  me  a  Chris'- 
mas prisint,  though  no  wan  has  anny  r-right 
to.  But  no  wan  iver  give  me  annything  I 
cud  wear  or  ate  or  dhrink  or  smoke  or  curl 
me  hair  with.  I've  had  flasks  iv  whisky 
give  me, —  me  that  have  lashin's  iv  whisky 
at  me  elbow  day  an'  night;  an',  whin  I 
opined  thim,  blue  an'  yellow  flames  come  out 
an'  some  iv  th'  stuff  r-run  over  on  th'  flure, 
an'  set  fire  to  th'  buildin'.  I  smoke  th'  best 
five-cint  see-gar  that  money  can  buy ;  yet, 


226  MR.  DOOLEY 

whin  a  good  frind  iv  mine  wants  to 
make  me  a  prisint  f  'r  Chris'mas,  he  goes  to  a 
harness  shop  an'  buys  a  box  iv  see-gars  with 
excelsior  fillin's  an'  burlap  wrappers,  an',  if 
I  smoked  wan  an*  lived,  I'd  be  arristed  f 'r 
arson.  I  got  a  pair  iv  suspinders  wanst  fr'm 
a  lady, —  niver  mind  her  name, —  an'  I 
wurruked  hard  that  day ;  an'  th'  decorations 
moved  back  into  me,  an'  I  had  to  take  thim 
out  with  pumice  stone.  I  didn't  lose  th' 
taste  iv  th'  paint  f 'r  weeks  an'  weeks. 

"  Wan  year  I  wanted  a  watch  more  thin 
annything  in  th'  wurruld.  I  talked  watches 
to  ivry  wan  that  I  thought  had  designs  on 
me.  I  made  it  a  pint  to  ask  me  frinds  what 
time  iv  night  it  was,  an'  thin  say,  cDear  me, 
I  ought  to  get  a  watch  if  I  cud  affoord  it.' 
I  used  to  tout  people  down  to  th'  jooler's 
shop,  an'  stand  be  th'  window  with  a  hungry 
look  in  th'  eyes  iv  me,  as  much  as  to  say, 
c  If  I  don't  get  a  watch,  I'll  perish.'  I  talked 
watches  an'  thought  watches  an'  dhreamed 
watches.  Father  Kelly  rebuked  me  f'r 
bein'  late  f'r  mass.  (  How  can  I  get  there 


ON  CHRISTMAS  GIFTS      227 

before  th'  gospil,  whin  I  don't  know  what 
time  it  is  ? '  says  I.  c  Why  don't  ye  luk  at 
ye'er  watch  ? '  he  says.  c  I  haven't  none,' 
says  I.  Did  he  give  me  a  watch?  Faith, 
he  did  not.  He  sint  me  a  box  iv  soap  that 
made  me  smell  like  a  coon  goin'  to  a  ball  in 
a  State  Sthreet  ca-ar.  I  got  a  necktie  fr'm 
wan  rnan ;  an',  if  I  wore  it  to  a  meetin'  iv 
th'  Young  Hebrews'  Char' table  Society, 
they'd've  thrun  me  out.  That  man  wanted 
me  to  be  kilt.  Another  la-ad  sint  me  a  silk 
handkerchief  that  broke  on  me  poor  nose. 
Th'  nearest  I  got  to  a  watch  was  a  hair  chain 
that  unravelled,  an'  made  me  look  as  if  I'd 
been  curryin'  a  Shetland  pony.  I  niver  got 
what  I  wanted,  an  I  niver  expect  to.  No 
wan  does." 

"  I'll  get  ye  what  ye  want,"  said  Mr.  Hen- 
nessy,  "if  ye'll  tell  me  what  it  is,  an'  it  don't 
cost  too  much." 

"  Will  ye  ?  "  said  Mr.  Dooley,  eagerly. 

"I  will,"  said  Mr.  Hennessy,  "if  'tis 
within  me  means." 

"Ye're  jokin',"  said  Mr.  Dooley. 


228  MR.  DOOLEY 

"  I'm  not.     I  mane  it." 

u  Do  ye,  honest  ?  " 

"  I  do  so." 

"Thin,"  said  Mr.  Dooley,  "get  me  th1 
Audjitooroom.  "  I've  wanted  that  to  play 
with  f  'r  manny  years." 

And  Mr.  Hennessy  went  away  with  the 
rocking-chair  under  his  arm,  the  doll  in  his 
pocket,  and  dumb  anger  in  his  heart 


ON   ANARCHISTS. 

a>Tis  ha-ard  bein'  a  king  these  days," 
said  Mr.  Dooley.  "  Manny's  th'  man  on  a 
throne  wishes  his  father' d  brought  him  up 
a  cooper,  what  with  wages  bein'  docked  be 
parlymints  an'  ragin'  arnychists  r-runnin' 
wild  with  dinnymite  bombs  undher  their 
ar-rms  an'  carvin'-knives  in  their  pockets. 

"  Onaisy,  as  Hogan  says,  is  th'  head  that 
wears  a  crown.  They'se  other  heads  that're 
onaisy,  too ;  but  ye  don't  hear  iv  thim.  But 
a  man  gr-rows  up  in  wan  iv  thim  furrin* 
counthries,  an'  he's  thrained  f 'r  to  be  a  king. 
Hivin  may've  intinded  him  f 'r  a  dooce  or 
a  jack,  at  th'  most ;  but  he  has  to  follow  th' 
same  line  as  his  father.  'Tis  like  pawn- 
brokin'  that  way.  Ye  niver  heerd  iv  a 
pawnbroker's  son  doin'  annything  else. 
Wanst  a  king,  always  a  king.  Other  men's 
sons  may  pack  away  a  shirt  in  a  thrunk,  an' 
go  out  into  th'  wurruld,  brakin'  on  a  freight 
or  ladin'  Indyanny  bankers  up  to  a  shell  game. 
But  a  man  that's  headed  f 'r  a  throne  can't 


23o  MR.  DOOLEY 

r-run  away.  He's  got  to  take  th'  job.  If 
he  kicks,  they  blindfold  him  an'  back  him 
in.  He  can't  ask  f 'r  his  time  at  th'  end  iv 
th'  week,  an'  lave.  He  pays  himsilf.  He 
can't  sthrike,  because  he'd  have  to  ordher 
out  th'  polis  to  subjoo  himsilf.  He  can't 
go  to  th'  boss,  an'  say :  c  Me  hours  is  too 
long  an'  th'  wurruk  is  tajious.  Give  me  me 
pay-check.'  He  has  no  boss.  A  man  can't 
be  indipindint  onless  he  has  a  boss.  'Tis 
thrue.  So  he  takes  th'  place,  an'  th'  chances 
ar-re  he's  th'  biggest  omadhon  in  th' 
wurruld,  an'  knows  no  more  about  r-runnin' 
a  counthry  thin  I  know  about  ladin'  an  or- 
chesthry.  An',  if  he  don't  do  annything, 
he's  a  dummy,  an',  if  he  does  do  annything, 
he's  crazy;  an,'  whin  he  dies,  his  foreman 
says  :  c  Sure,  'tis  th'  divvle's  own  time  I  had 
savin'  that  bosthoon  fr'm  desthroyin'  him- 
silf. If  it  wasn't  f 'r  me,  th'  poor  thing'd 
have  closed  down  the  wurruks,  an'  gone  to 
th'  far-rm  long  ago.'  An'  wan  day,  whin 
he's  takin'  th'  air,  p'raps,  along  comes  an 
Eyetalyan,  an'  says  he,  c  Ar-re  ye  a  king  ? ' 


ON  ANARCHISTS  231 

c  That's  my  name/  says  his  majesty.  'Betther 
dead/  says  th'  Eyetalyan;  an*  they'se  a 
scramble,  an'  another  king  goes  over  th' 
long  r-road. 

"  I  don't  know  much  about  arnychists. 
We  had  thim  here  —  wanst.  They  wint 
again  polismen,  mostly.  Mebbe  that's  be- 
cause polismen's  th'  nearest  things  to  kings 
they  cud  find.  But,  annyhow,  I  sometimes 
think  I  know  why  they're  arnychists  some- 
where, an'  why  they  ain't  in  other  places. 
It  minds  me  iv  what  happened  wanst  in  me 
cousin  Terence's  fam'ly.  They  was  livin' 
down  near  Healey's  slough  in  wan  iv  thim  oP 
Doherty's  houses, —  not  Doherty  that  ye 
know,  th'  j'iner,  a  good  man  whin  he  don't 
dhrink.  No,  'twas  an  ol'  grouch  iv  a  man 
be  th'  name  iv  Malachi  Doherty  that  used 
to  keep  five-day  notices  in  his  thrunk,  an' 
ownded  his  own  privit  justice  iv  th'  peace. 
Me  cousin  Terence  was  as  dacint  a  man  as 
iver  shoed  a  hor-rse ;  an  his  wife  was  a  good 
woman,  too,  though  I  niver  took  much  to 
th'  Dolans.  Fr'm  Tipperary,  they  was,  an' 


232  MR.  DOOLEY 

too  handy  throwin'  things  at  ye.  An'  he  had 
a  nice  fam'ly  growin'  up,  an'  I  niver  knowed 
people  that  lived  together  more  quite  an' 
amyable.  'Twas  good  f  'r  to  see  thim  settin' 
ar-roun'  th'  parlor, —  Terence  spellin'  out  th' 
newspaper,  an*  his  good  woman  mendin' 
socks,  an'  Honoria  play  in'  th'  'Vale  iv 
Avoca '  on  th'  pianny,  an'  th'  kids  r-rowlin' 
on  th'  flure. 

"  But  wan  day  it  happened  that  that  whole 
fam'ly  begun  to  rasp  on  wan  another.  Hon- 
oria'd  set  down  at  th'  pianny,  an'  th'  ol'  man'd 
growl :  '  F  'r  th'  love  iv  th'  saints,  close  down 
that  hurdy-gurdy,  an*  lave  a  man  injye  his 
headache ! '  An'  th'  good  woman  scolded 
Terence,  an'  th'  kids  pulled  th'  leg  fr'm 
undher  th'  stove ;  an',  whin  th'  big  boy  Mike 
come  home  fr'm  Omaha,  he  found  none  iv 
thim  speakin'  to  th'  others.  He  cud  do 
nawthin',  an'  he  wint  f'r  Father  Kelly. 
Father  Kelly  sniffed  th'  air  whin  he  come 
in ;  an'  says  he,  *  Terence,  what's  th'  matther 
with  ye'er  catch  basin ? '  'I  dinnaw,'  growled 
Terence.  'Well,'  says  Father  Kelly,  'ye 


ON  ANARCHISTS  233 

put  on  ye'er  hat  this  minyit,  an'  go  out  f 'r  a 
plumber/  he  says.  c  I'm  not  needed  here/ 
he  says.  *  Ye'er  sowls  ar-re  all  r-right,'  he 
says ;  *  but  ye'er  systems  ar-re  out  iv  ordher,' 
he  says.  *  Fetch  in  a  plumber,'  he  says, 
*  whilst  I  goes  down  to  Doherty,  an'  make 
him  think  his  lease  on  th'  hereafther  is 
defective,'  he  says." 

"Ye're  right,"  said  Mr.  Hennessy,  who 
had  followed  the  argument  dimly. 

"  Iv  coorse  I'm  right,"  said  Mr.  Dooley. 
"  What  they  need  over  there  in  furrin'  coun- 
thries  is  not  a  priest,  but  a  plumber.  'Tis 
no  good  prayin'  again  arnychists,  Hinnissy. 
Arnychists  is  sewer  gas." 


ON  THE  DREYFUS  CASE. 

"  I  SEE  be  th'  pa-apers,"  said  Mr.  Dooley, 
"  that  Col.  Hinnery,  th'  man  that  sint  me 
frind  Cap.  Dhry-fuss  to  th'  cage,  has  moved 
on.  I  sup-pose  they'll  give  th'  Cap  a  new 
thrile  now." 

"  I  hope  they  won't,"  said  Mr.  Hennessy. 
"  I  don't  know  annything  about  it,  but  I 
think  he's  guilty.  He's  a  Jew." 

"Well,"  said  Mr.  Dooley,  "  ye'er  thoughts 
on  this  subject  is  inthrestin',  but  not  con- 
clusive, as  Dorsey  said  to  th'  Pollack  that 
thought  he  cud  lick  him.  Ye  have  a  r-right 
to  ye'er  opinyon,  an'  ye'll  hold  it  annyhow, 
whether  ye  have  a  r-right  to  it  or  not.  Like 
most  iv  ye'er  fellow-citizens,  ye  start  impar- 
tial. Ye  don't  know  annything  about  th' 
case.  If  ye  knew  annything,  ye'd  not  have 
an  opinyon  wan  way  or  th'  other.  They'se 
niver  been  a  matther  come  up  in  my  time 
that  th'  American  people  was  so  sure  about 
as  they  ar-re  about  th'  Dhryfuss  case.  Th' 
Frinch  ar-re  not  so  sure,  but  they'se  not  a 


ON  THE  DREYFUS  CASE    235 

polisman  in  this  counthry  that  can't  tell  ye 
jus'  where  Dhry-fiiss  was  whin  th'  remains  iv 
th'  poor  girl  was  found.  That's  because  th' 
thrile  was  secret.  If  'twas  an  open  thrile,  an' 
ye  heerd  th'  tisti-mony,  an'  knew  th'  language, 
an'  saw  th'  safe  afther  'twas  blown  open, 
ye'd  be  puzzled,  an'  not  care  a  rush  whether 
Dhry-fiiss  was  naked  in  a  cage  or  takin'  tay 
with  his  uncle  at  th'  Benny  Brith  Club. 

"  I  haven't  made  up  me  mind  whether  th' 
Cap  done  th'  shootin'  or  not.  He  was  cer- 
tainly in  th'  neighborhood  whin  th'  fire 
started,  an'  th'  polis  dug  up  quite  a  lot  iv 
lead  pipe  in  his  back  yard.  But  it's  wan 
thing  to  sus-pect  a  man  iv  doin'  a  job  an' 
another  thing  to  prove  that  he  didn't.  Me 
frind  Zola  thinks  he's  innocint,  an'  he 
raised  th'  divvle  at  th'  thrile.  Whin  th' 
judge  come  up  on  th'  bench  an'  opined  th' 
coort,  Zola  was  settin'  down  below  with  th' 
lawyers.  c  Let  us  pro-ceed,'  says  th'  impar- 
tial an'  fair-minded  judge,  c  to  th'  thrile  iv 
th'  haynious  monsther  Cap  Dhry-fuss,'  he 
says.  Up  jumps  Zola,  an'  says  he  in 


236  MR.  DOOLEY 

Frinch :  c  Jackuse,'  he  says,  which  is  a  hell 
of  a  mane  thing  to  say  to  anny  man.  An* 
they  thrun  him  out.  c  Judge/  says  th'  at- 
torney f 'r  th'  difinse,  c  an'  gintlemen  iv  th' 
jury,'  he  says.  c  Ye're  a  liar,'  says  th'  judge. 
c  Cap,  ye're  guilty,  an'  ye  know  it,'  he  says. 
( Th'  decision  iv  th'  coort  is  that  ye  be  put 
in  a  cage,  an'  sint  to  th'  Divvle's  own  island 
f 'r  th'  r-rest  iv  ye'er  life,'  he  says.  c  Let  us 
pro-ceed  to  hearin'  th'  tisti-mony,'  he  says. 
( Call  all  th'  witnesses  at  wanst,'  he  says, 
can'  lave  thim  have  it  out  on  th'  flure,'  he 
says.  Be  this  time  Zola  has  come  back ;  an' 
he  jumps  up,  an',  says  he,  c  Jackuse,'  he 
says.  An'  they  thrun  him  out. 

" c  Befure  we  go  anny  farther,'  says  th' 
lawyer  f'r  th'  difinse,  c  I  wish  to  sarve  notice 
that,  whin  this  thrile  is  over,  I  intind,'  he 
says,  ( to  wait  outside,'  he  says,  c  an'  hammer 
th'  hon'rable  coort  into  an  omelet,'  he  says. 
cWith  these  few  remarks  I  will  close,'  he 
says.  c  Th'  coort,'  says  th'  judge, '  is  always 
r-ready  to  defind  th'  honor  iv  France,'  he 
says  ;  c  an',  if  th'  larned  counsel  will  con-sint,' 


ON  THE  DREYFUS  CASE    237 

he  says,  '  to  step  up  here  f'r  a  minyit/  he 
says,  c  th'  coort'll  put  a  sthrangle  hold  on  him 
that'll  not  do  him  a  bit  iv  good/  he  says. 
cAh!'he  says.  'Here's  me  ol'  frind  Pat 
th'  Clam/  he  says.  c  Pat,  what  d'ye  know 
about  this  case  ? '  he  says.  c  None  iv  ye'er 
business/  says  Pat.  'Answered  like  a  man 
an*  a  sojer/  says  th'  coort.  c  Jackuse/  says 
Zola  fr'm  th'  dureway.  An'  they  thrun 
him  out.  c  Call  Col.  Hinnery/  says  th' 
coort.  c  He  ray-fuses  to  answer.'  c  Good. 
Th'  case  is  clear.  Cap  forged  th'  will.  Th' 
coort  will  now  adjourn  f'r  dools,  an'  all 
ladin'  officers  iv  th'  ar-rmy  not  in  disgrace 
already  will  assimble  in  jail,  an'  com-mit 
suicide,'  he  says.  c  Jackuse/  says  Zola,  an' 
started  f'r  th'  woods,  pursued  be  his  fellow- 
editors.  He's  off  somewhere  in  a  three 
now  hollerin'  c Jackuse'  at  ivry  wan  that 
passes,  sufferin'  martyrdom  f'r  his  counthry 
an'  writin'  now  an'  thin  about  it  all. 

"  That's  all  I  know  about  Cap  Dhry-fuss' 
case,  an'  that's  all  anny  man  knows.  Ye 
didn't  know  as  much,  Hinnissy,  till  I  told 


238  MR.  DOOLEY 

ye.  I  don't  know  whether  Cap  stole  th' 
dog  or  not." 

"  What's  he  charged  with  ? "  Mr.  Hen- 
nessy  asked,  in  bewilderment. 

"I'll  niver  tell  ye,"  said  Mr.  Dooley. 
"It's  too  much  to  ask." 

"Well,  annyhow,"  said  Mr.  Hennessy, 
"he's  guilty,  ye  can  bet  on  that." 


ON  THE  DECADENCE  OF 
GREECE. 

"THAT  young  Hogan  is  a  smart  la-ad," 
said  Mr.  Dooley.  "A  smart  la-ad  an*  a 
good  wan,  too/' 

"  None  betther,"  said  Mr.  Hennessy. 

"None  betther  in  th'  ward,"  said  Mr. 
Dooley,  which  was  a  high  appreciation. 
"  But  there  ar-re  things  about  human  nature 
an'  histhry  that  ain't  taught  at  Saint  Igna- 
teeus'.  I  tell  thim  to  Hogan's  la-ad. 

"  He  was  walkin'  be  th'  store  wan  day 
las'  week,  an'  I  ast  him  how  th'  wa-ar  wint. 
'Tis  sthrange,  with  churches  two  in  a  block, 
an'  public  schools  as  thick  as  lamp-posts, 
that,  whin  a  man  stops  ye  on  th'  sthreet,  he'll 
ayether  ast  ye  th'  scoor  iv  th'  base-ball  game 
or  talk  iv  th'  Greek  war  with  ye.  I  ain't 
seen  annything  that  happened  since  Par- 
nell's  day  that's  aroused  so  much  enthusyasm 
on  th'  Ar-rchey  Road  as  th'  Greek  war. 
c  How  goes  th'  war  ? '  says  I  to  young 
Hogan,  c  How  goes  the  war  between  th' 


240  MR.  DOOLEY 

ac-cursed  infidel  an'  th'  dog  iv  a  Christian  ? ' 
I  says.  c  It  goes  bad/  he  says.  <  Th' 
Greeks  won  a  thremenjous  battle,  killin' 
manny  millions  iv  th'  Moslem  murdherers, 
but  was  obliged  to  retreat  thirty-two  miles 
in  a  gallop/  c  Is  that  so  ? '  says  I.  c  Sure 
that  seems  to  be  their  luck/  I  says.  c  Whin- 
iver  they  win,  they  lose ;  an',  whin  they  lose, 
they  lose/  I  says.  c  What  ails  thim  ? '  I 
says.  c  Is  th'  riferee  again  thim  ? '  c  I  can't 
make  it  out,'  he  says,  while  a  tear  sthud  in 
his  eye.  c  Whin  I  think  iv  Leonidas  at  th' 
pass  iv  Thermometer/  he  says,  c  an'  So-an'- 
so  on  th'  field  iv  Marathon  an'  This-or-that 
th'  Spartan  hero/  he  says, c  I  cannot  undher- 
stand  f 'r  th'  life  iv  me  why  th'  Greeks  shud 
have  been  dhruv  fr'm  pillar  to  post  be  an 
ar-rmy  iv  slaves.  Didn't  Leonidas,  with 
hardly  as  manny  men  as  there  are  Raypub- 
licans  in  this  precint,  hold  th'  pass  again  a 
savage  horde  ? '  he  says.  c  He  did/  says  I. 
c  He  did.'  '  An'  didn't  What's-his-name  on 
th'  field  iv  Marathon  overcome  an'  desthroy 
th'  ravagin'  armies  iv  Persia  ? '  he  says. 


ON  GREECE  241 

c  Thrue  f ' r  ye/  says  I.  c  There's  no  doubt 
in  th'  wurruld  about  it/  I  says.  c  An'  look 
at  Alexander  th'  Great/  he  says.  c  Aleck 
was  a  turror,  an*  no  mistake/  says  I.  c  An' 
Miltiades/  he  says.  '  I  on'y  know  what  I 
hear  iv  him/  says  I.  '  But  fr'm  all  accounts 
he  must  have  been  consid'rable  iv  a  fellow/ 
says  I.  c  An'  in  later  days  Marco  Boozaris/ 
he  says.  c  He  was  th'  man  that  come  in 
con-sumption's  dreaded  form/  says  I,  can' 
he  was  afraid  iv  no  man/  c  Well,  thin/  says 
he,  c  how  ar-re  we  to  account  f 'r  this  dis- 
grace ? '  he  says. 

"cWell/  says  I,  'd'ye  raymimber  th' 
fightin'  tenth  precint?  Ye  must've  heerd 
ye'er  father  tell  about  it.  It  was  famous  f 'r 
th'  quality  an'  quantity  iv  th'  warfare  put  up 
in  it.  Ivry  man  in  th'  tenth  precint  cud 
fight  his  weight  in  scrap-iron.  Most  iv  thim 
come  fr'm  th'  ancient  Hellenic  province  iv 
May-o ;  but  they  was  a  fair  sprinklin'  iv 
Greek  heroes  fr'm  Roscommon  an'  Tipper- 
ary,  an'  a  few  from  th'  historic  spot  where  th' 
Head  iv  Kinsale  looks  out  on  th'  sea,  an*  th' 


242  MR.  DOOLEY 

sea  looks  up  at  th'  Head  iv  Kinsale.  Th' 
little  boys  cud  box  before  they  was  out  iv 
skirts.  Far  an*  wide,  th'  tenth  precint  was 
th'  turror  iv  its  inimies.  Ye  talk  about  Le- 
onidas  an'  th'  pass  iv  Thermometer.  Ye 
ought  to've  seen  Mike  Riordan  an'  his 
fam'ly  defindin'  th'  pollin'-place  whin  Eddie 
Burke's  brigade  charged  it  wan  fine  day. 
That  hero  sthud  f 'r  four  hours  in  th'  dure- 
way,  ar-rmed  on'y  with  a  monkey-wrinch, 
an*  built  a  wall  iv  invaders  in  frint  iv  him  till 
th'  judges  cud  dig  their  way  out  through  th' 
cellar,  an*  escape  to  th'  polis  station. 

" c  F'r  manny  years  th'  tenth  precint  was 
th'  banner  precint  iv  th'  Sixth  Wa-ard,  an' 
its  gallant  heroes  repelled  all  attacks  by  land 
or  Healey's  slough.  But,  as  time  wint  by, 
changes  come  over  it.  Th'  Hannigans  an' 
Leonidases  an'  Caseys  moved  out,  havin' 
made  their  pile.  Some  iv  th'  grandest  iv  th' 
heroes  died,  an'  their  fam'lies  were  broke  up. 
Polish  Jews  an'  Swedes  an'  Germans  an' 
Hollanders  swarmed  in,  settlin'  down  on  th' 
sacred  sites,'  I  says.  c  Wan  night  three  years 


ON  GREECE  243 

ago,  a  band  iv  rovin'  Bohemians  fr'm  th' 
Eighth  Ward  come  acrost  th'  river,  kickin' 
over  bar'ls  an'  ash-boxes,  an'  swooped  down 
on  th'  tenth  precint.  Mike  Riordan,  him 
that  kept  th'  pollin'-place  in  th'  good  days 
iv  old,  was  th'  on'y  wan  iv  th'  race  iv  ancient 
heroes  on  earth.  He  thried  to  rally  th'  in- 
gloryous  descindants  iv  a  proud  people.  F'r 
a  while  they  made  a  stand  in  Halsted  Sthreet, 
an'  shouted  bad  but  difficult  names  at  th' 
infidel  hordes,  an'  threw  bricks  that  laid  out 
their  own  people.  But  it  was  on'y  f 'r  a  mo- 
ment. In  another  they  tur-rned  an'  r-run, 
lavin'  Mike  Riordan  standin'  alone  in  th' 
mist  iv  th'  fray.  If  it  wasn't  f'r  th'  inter- 
vintion  iv  th'  powers  in  th'  shape  iv  th'  loot 
an'  a  wagon-load  iv  polismin,  th'  Bohe- 
mians'd  have  devastated  as  far  as  th'  ruins  iv 
th'  gas-house,  which  is  th'  same  as  that  there 
Acropulist  ye  talk  about,'  says  I. 

"  c  No,  my  son,'  says  I.  c  On  account  iv 
th'  fluctuations  in  rint  an'  throuble  with  th' 
landlord  it's  not  safe  to  presoom  that  th' 
same  fam'ly  always  lives  in  th'  wan  house. 


244  MR.  DOOLEY 

Th'  very  thing  happened  to  Greece  that  has 
happened  to  th'  tenth  precint  iv  th'  Sixth 
Ward.  Th'  Greeks  have  moved  out,  an'  th' 
Swedes  come  in.  Ye  yet  may  live  to  see  th' 
day,'  says  I,  c  whin  what  is  thrue  iv  Athens 
an'  th'  tenth  precint  will  be  thrue  iv  th' 
whole  Sixth  Wa-ard.' " 

"Ye  don't  mean  that,"  said  Mr.  Hen- 
nessy,  gasping. 

"  I  do,"  said  Mr.  Dooley,  with  solemnity. 
"  'Tis  histhry." 


ON   THE    INDIAN   WAR. 

"  GIN'RAL  SHERMAN  was  wan  iv  th'  smart- 
est men  we  iver  had,"  said  Mr.  Dooley. 
"He  said  so  manny  bright  things.  'Twas 
him  said,  c  War  is  hell ' ;  an'  that's  wan  iv 
th'  finest  savin's  I  know  annything  about. 
c  War  is  hell ' :  'tis  a  thrue  wurrud  an'  a  fine 
sintiment.  An'  Gin'ral  Sherman  says, 
cTh'  on'y  good  Indyun  is  a  dead  Indyun. 
An'  that's  a  good  sayin',  too.  So,  be  th' 
powers,  we've  started  in  again  to  improve 
th'  race ;  an',  if  we  can  get  in  Gatlin'  guns 
enough  before  th'  winter's  snows,  we'll  tur-rn 
thim  Chippeways  into  a  cimitry  branch  iv 
th'  Young  Men's  Christy  an  Association. 
We  will  so. 

"  Ye  see,  Hinnissy,  th'  Indyun  is  bound 
f 'r  to  give  way  to  th'  onward  march  iv  white 
civilization.  You  an'  me,  Hinnissy,  is  th' 
white  civilization.  I  come  along,  an'  I  find 
ol'  Snakes-in-his-Gaiters  livin'  quite  an'  da- 
cint  in  a  new  frame  house.  Thinks  I,  c  'Tis 
a  shame  f 'r  to  lave  this  savage  man  in  pos- 


246  MR.  DOOLEY 

session  iv  this  fine  abode,  an*  him  not  able 
f  'r  to  vote  an*  without  a  frind  on  th'  polis 
foorce.'  So  says  I:  c Snakes/  I  says,  cget 
along/  says  I.  ( I  want  ye'er  house,  an'  ye 
best  move  out  west  iv  th'  thracks,  an*  dig  a 
hole  f'r  ye'ersilf/  I  says.  c  Divvle  th'  fut 
I  will  step  out  iv  this  house/  says  Snakes. 
c  I  built  it,  an'  I  have  th'  law  on  me  side/  he 
says.  c  F  'r  why  should  I  take  Mary  Ann, 
an*  Terence,  an'  Honoria,  an'  Robert  Immitt 
Snakes,  an'  all  me  little  Snakeses,  an'  rustle 
out  west  iv  th'  thracks,'  he  says,  c  far  fr'm 
th'  bones  iv  me  ancestors/  he  says,  c  an  be- 
yond th'  water-pipe  extinsion/  he  says. 
c  Because/  says  I,  c  I  am  th'  walkin'  dilygate 
iv  white  civilization/  I  says.  c  I'm  jus*  as 
civilized  as  you/  says  Snakes.  c  I  wear 
pants/  he  says,  can'  a  plug  hat/  he  says. 
'Ye  might  wear  tin  pair/  says  I,  can'  all  at 
wanst/  I  says,  c  an'  ye'd  still  be  a  savage/ 
says  I;  c an'  I'd  be  civilized/  I  says,  cif  I 
hadn't  on  so  much  as  a  bangle  bracelet/  I 
says.  c  So  get  out/  says  I.  c  So  get  out/ 
says  I,  cf'r  th'  pianny  movers  is  outside, 
r-ready  to  go  to  wurruk/  I  says. 


ON  THE  INDIAN  WAR      247 

"  Well,  Snakes  he  fires  a  stove  lid  at  me ; 
an*  I  go  down  to  th'  polls  station,  an'  says  I, 
c  Loot/  I  says,  c  they'se  a  dhrunken  Indyun 
not  votin'  up  near  th'  mills,  an  he's  carryin' 
on  outrageous,  an'  he  won't  let  me  hang  me 
pitchers  on  his  wall,'  says  I.  c  Vile  savage,' 
says  th'  loot,  c  I'll  tache  him  to  rayspict  th' 
rules  iv  civilization,'  he  says.  An*  he  takes 
out  a  wagon  load,  an'  goes  afther  Snakes. 
Well,  me  frind  Snakes  gives  him  battle,  an', 
knowin'  th'  premises  well,  he's  able  to  put 
up  a  gr-reat  fight ;  but  afther  a  while  they  rip 
him  away,  an'  have  him  in  th'  pathrol  wagon, 
with  a  man  settin'  on  his  head.  An'  thin 
he's  put  undher  bonds  to  keep  the  peace, 
an'  they  sind  him  out  west  iv  th'  thracks ; 
an'  I  move  into  th'  house,  an'  tear  out  th' 
front  an'  start  a  faro  bank.  Some  day,  whin 
I  get  tired  or  th'  Swedes  dhrive  me  out  or 
Schwartzmeister  makes  his  lunch  too  sthrong 
f 'r  competition,  I'll  go  afther  Snakes  again. 

"Th'  on'y  hope  f'r  th  Indyun  is  to  put 
his  house  on  rollers,  an'  keep  a  team  hitched 
to  it,  an',  whin  he  sees  a  white  man,  to  start 


248  MR.  DOOLEY 

f'r  th'  settin'  sun.  He's  rooned  whin  he 
has  a  cellar.  He  ought  to  put  all  th' 
plugged  dollars  that  he  gets  from  th'  agent 
an1  be  pickin'  blueberries  into  rowlin'  stock. 
If  he  knew  annything  about  balloons,  he'd 
have  a  chanst ;  but  we  white  men,  Hinnissy, 
has  all  th'  balloons.  But,  annyhow,  he's 
doomed,  as  Hogan  says.  Th'  onward  march 
iv  th'  white  civilization,  with  morgedges  an' 
other  modhern  improvements,  is  slowly  but 
surely,  as  Hogan  says,  chasm'  him  out;  an* 
th'  last  iv  him'll  be  livin'  in  a  divin'-bell 
somewhere  out  in  th'  Pac-ific  Ocean." 

"Well,"  said  Mr.  Hennessy,  the  stout 
philanthropist,  "  I  think  so,  an'  thin  again 
I  dinnaw.  I  don't  think  we  threat  thim 
r-right.  If  I  was  th'  gover'mint,  I'd  take 
what  they  got,  but  I'd  say,  cHere,  take 
this  tin-dollar  bill  an'  go  out  an'  dhrink 
ye'ersilf  to  death,'  I'd  say.  They  ought  to 
have  some  show." 

"Well,"  said  Mr.  Dooley,  "if  ye  feel 
that  way,  ye  ought  to  go  an/  inlist  as  an 
Indyun." 


ON  GOLF. 

what's  this  game  iv  goluf  like,  I 
dinnaw?"  said  Mr.  Hennessy,  lighting  his 
pipe  with  much  unnecessary  noise.  "  Ye're 
a  good  deal  iv  a  spoort,  Jawnny :  did  ye  iver 
thry  it?" 

"  No,"  said  Mr.  McKenna.  "  I  used  to 
roll  a  hoop  onct  upon  a  time,  but  I'm  out 
of  condition  now." 

"It  ain't  like  base-ball,"  said  Mr.  Hen- 
nessy, "an*  it  ain't  like  shinny,  an'  it  ain't 
like  lawn-teenis,  an'  it  ain't  like  forty-fives, 
an'  it  ain't"  — 

"  Like  canvas-back  duck  or  anny  other 
game  ye  know,"  said  Mr.  Dooley. 

"Thin  what  is  it  like?"  said  Mr.  Hen- 
nessy. "  I  see  be  th'  pa-aper  that  Hobart 
What-d'ye-call-him  is  wan  iv  th'  best  at  it. 
Th'  other  day  he  made  a  scoor  iv  wan  huri- 
dherd  an'  sixty-eight,  but  whether  'twas 
miles  or  stitches  I  cudden't  make  out  fr'm 
th'  raypoorts." 

"  'Tis  little  ye  know,"  said  Mr.  Dooley. 


250  MR.  DOOLEY 

"  Th'  game  iv  goluf  is  as  old  as  th'  hills. 
Me  father  had  goluf  links  all  over  his  place, 
an',  whin  I  was  a  kid,  'twas  wan  iv  th'  prin- 
cipal spoorts  iv  me  life,  afther  I'd  dug  the 
turf  f 'r  th'  avenin',  to  go  out  and  putt "  — 

"  Foot,  ye  mean,"  said  Mr.  Hennessy. 
"They'se  no  such  wurrud  in  th'  English 
language  as  putt.  Belinda  called  me  down 
ha-ard  on  it  no  more  thin  las'  night." 

"  There  ye  go  !  "  said  Mr.  Dooley,  angrily. 
"  There  ye  go  !  D'ye  think  this  here  game 
iv  goluf  is  a  spellin'  match  ?  'Tis  like  ye, 
Hinnissy,  to  be  refereein'  a  twinty-round 
glove  contest  be  th'  rule  iv  three.  I  tell  ye 
I  used  to  go  out  in  th'  avenin'  an'  putt  me 
mashie  like  hell-an'-all,  till  I  was  knowed 
fr'm  wan  end  iv  th'  county  to  th'  other  as 
th'  cnampeen  putter.  I  putted  two  men  fr'm 
Roscommon  in  wan  day,  an'  they  had  to  be 
took  home  on  a  dure. 

"In  America  th'  ga-ame  is  played  more 
ginteel,  an'  is  more  like  cigareet-smokin', 
though  less  onhealthy  f 'r  th'  lungs.  'Tis  a 
good  game  to  play  in  a  hammick  whin 


ON  GOLF  251 

ye're  all  tired  out  fr'm  social  duties  or 
shovellin'  coke.  Out-iv-dure  golf  is  played 
be  th'  followin'  rules.  If  ye  bring  ye'er 
wife  f  'r  to  see  th'  game,  an1  she  has  her 
name  in  th'  paper,  that  counts  ye  wan.  So 
th'  first  thing  ye  do  is  to  find  th'  raypoorter, 
an'  tell  him  ye're  there.  Thin  ye  ordher  a 
bottle  iv  brown  pop,  an'  have  ye'er  second 
fan  ye  with  a  towel.  Afther  this  ye'd 
dhress,  an'  here  ye've  got  to  be  dam  par- 
ticklar  or  ye'll  be  stuck  f 'r  th'  dhrinks.  If 
ye'er  necktie  is  not  on  sthraight,  that  counts 
ye'er  opponent  wan.  If  both  ye  an'  ye'er 
opponent  have  ye'er  neckties  on  crooked,  th' 
first  man  that  sees  it  gets  th'  stakes.  Thin 
ye  ordher  a  carredge"  — 

"Order what?"  demanded  Mr.  McKenna. 

"A  carredge." 

"What  for?" 

"F'r  to  take  ye  'round  th'  links.  Ye 
have  a  little  boy  followin'  ye,  carryin'  ye'er 
clubs.  Th'  man  that  has  th'  smallest  little 
boy  it  counts  him  two.  If  th'  little  boy  has 
th'  rickets,  it  counts  th'  man  in  th'  carredge 


252  MR.  DOOLEY 

three.  The  little  boys  is  called  caddies ;  but 
Clarence  Heaney  that  toP  me  all  this  —  he 
belongs  to  th'  Foorth  Wa-ard  Goluf  an'  Me- 
Kinley  Club  —  said  what  th'  little  boys  calls 
th'  players'd  not  be  fit  f'r  to  repeat. 

"Well,  whin  ye  dhrive  up  to  th'  tea 
grounds  "  — 

"Th'  what?"  demanded  Mr.  Hennessy. 

"  Th'  tea  grounds,  that's  like  th'  home- 
plate  in  base-ball  or  ordherin'  a  piece  iv  chalk 
in  a  game  iv  spoil  five.  Its  th'  be-ginnin'  iv 
ivrything.  Whin  ye  get  to  th'  tea  grounds, 
ye  step  out,  an'  have  ye're  hat  irned  be 
th'  caddie.  Thin  ye'er  man  that  ye're  goin' 
aginst  comes  up,  an'  he  asks  ye,  (  Do  you 
know  Potther  Pammer  ? '  Well,  if  ye  don't 
know  Potther  Pammer,  it's  all  up  with  ye ' 
ye  lose  two  points.  But  ye  come  right  back 
at  him  with  an'  upper  cut :  '  Do  ye  live  on 
th'  Lake  Shore  dhrive  ? '  If  he  doesn't,  ye 
have  him  in  th'  nine  hole.  Ye  needn't  play 
with  him  anny  more.  But,  if  ye  do  play 
with  him,  he  has  to  spot  three  balls.  If  he's 
a  good  man  an'  shifty  on  his  feet,  he'll 


ON  GOLF  253 

counter  be  askin'  ye  where  ye  spend  th' 
summer.  Now  ye  can't  tell  him  that  ye 
spent  th'  summer  with  wan  hook  on  th'  free 
lunch  an*  another  on  th'  ticker  tape,  an*  so 
ye  go  back  three.  That  needn't  discourage 
ye  at  all,  at  all.  Here's  yer  chance  to  mix 
up,  an'  ye  ask  him  if  he  was  iver  in  Scotland. 
If  he  wasn't,  it  counts  ye  five.  Thin  ye  tell 
him  that  ye  had  an  aunt  wanst  that  heerd 
th'  Jook  iv  Argyle  talk  in  a  phonograph ; 
an,'  onless  he  comes  back  an'  shoots  it  into 
ye  that  he  was  wanst  run  over  be  th'  Prince 
iv  Wales,  ye  have  him  groggy.  I  don't 
know  whether  th'  Jook  iv  Argyle  or  th' 
Prince  iv  Wales  counts  f'r  most.  They're 
like  th'  right  an'  left  bower  iv  thrumps. 
Th'  best  players  is  called  scratch-men." 

"What's  that  f'r?"  Mr.  Hennessy  asked. 

"  It's  a  Scotch  game,"  said  Mr.  Dooley, 
with  a  wave  of  his  hand.  "  I  wonder  how 
it  come  out  to-day.  Here's  th'  pa-aper. 
Let  me  see.  McKinley  at  Canton.  Still 
there.  He  niver  cared  to  wandher  fr'm  his 
own  fireside.  Collar-button  men  f'r  th' 


254  MR.  DOOLEY 

goold  standard.  Statues  iv  Heidelback, 
Ickleheimer  an*  Company  to  be  erected  in 
Washington.  Another  Vanderbilt  weddin'. 
That  sounds  like  goluf,  but  it  ain't.  New- 
port society  livin'  in  Mrs.  Potther  Pammer's 
cellar.  Green-goods  men  declare  f 'r  honest 
money.  Anson  in  foorth  place  some  more. 
Pianny  tuners  f'r  McKinley.  Li  Hung 
Chang  smells  a  rat.  Abner  McKinley  sup- 
ports th'  goold  standard.  Wait  a  minyit. 
Here  it  is  :  c  Goluf  in  gay  attire/  Let  me 
see.  H'm.  '  Foozled  his  aproach,' —  nasty 
thing.  c Topped  th'  ball/  'Three  up  an' 
two  to  play/  Ah,  here's  the  scoor. 
c  Among  those  prisint  were  Messrs,  an* 
Mesdames  "  — 

"  Hoi'  on  !  "  cried  Mr.  Hennessy,  grab- 
bing the  paper  out  of  his  friend's  hands. 
"  That's  thim  that  was  there." 

"Well,"  said  Mr.  Dooley,  decisively, 
"  that's  th'  goluf  scoor." 


ON  THE  FRENCH  CHARACTER. 

"  TH'  Fr-rinch,"  said  Mr.  Dooley,  "  ar-re 
a  tumulchuse  people." 

"  Like  as  not/*  said  Mr.  Hennessy, 
"  there's  some  of  our  blood  in  thim.  A 
good  manny  iv  our  people  wint  over  wanst. 
They  cudden't  allVe  been  kilt  at  Fontenoy." 

"No,"  said  Mr.  Dooley,  "'tis  another 
kind  iv  tumulchuse.  Whin  an  Irishman 
rages,  'tis  with  wan  idee  in  his  mind.  He's 
goin'  for'ard  again  a  single  inimy,  an'  not 
stone  walls  or  irne  chains'll  stop  him.  He 
may  pause  f 'r  a  dhrink  or  to  take  a  shy  at 
a  polisman, —  f 'r  a  polisman's  always  in  th' 
way, —  but  he's  as  thrue  as  th'  needle  in  th' 
camel's  eye,  as  Hogan  says,  to  th'  objec'  iv 
his  hathred.  So  he's  been  f 'r  four  hundherd 
years,  an'  so  he'll  always  be  while  they'se  an 
England  on  th'  map.  Whin  England  pur- 
rishes,  th'  Irish'll  die  iv  what  Hogan  calls 
ongwee,  which  is  havin'  no  wan  in  the  weary 
wurruld  ye  don't  love. 

"  But  with  th'   Fr-rinch  'tis  diff'rent.     I 


256  MR.  DOOLEY 

say  'tis  diffrent  with  th'  Fr-rinch.  They're 
an  onaisy  an'  a  thrubbled  people.  They 
start  out  down  th'  street,  loaded  up  with 
obscenthe  an'  cigareets,  pavin'  blocks  an' 
walkin'  sthicks  an'  shtove  lids  in  their 
hands,  cryin',  c  A  base  Cap  Dhry-fuss ! '  th' 
cap  bein'  far  off  in  a  cage,  by  dad.  So  far, 
so  good.  c  A  base  Cap  Dhry-fuss  ! '  says  I ; 
c  an'  the  same  to  all  thraitors,  an'  manny  iv 
thim,  whether  they  ar-re  or  not.'  But  along 
comes  a  man  with  a  poor  hat.  c  Where  did 
he  get  th'  hat  ? '  demands  th'  mob.  Down 
with  th'  bad  tile!'  they  say.  CA  base  th' 
lid  ! '  An'  they  desthroy  th'  hat,  an'  th'  man 
undher  it  succumbs  to  th'  rule  iv  th'  ma- 
jority an*  jines  th'  mob.  On  they  go  till 
they  come  to  a  restaurant.  c  Ha,'  says  they, 
c  th'  resort  iv  th'  infamious  Duclose.'  c  His 
char-rges  ar-re  high,'  says  wan.  ( I  found 
a  fish-bone  in  his  soup,'  says  another. 
cHe's  a  thraitor,'  says  a  third.  CA  base  th' 
soup  kitchen !  A  base  th'  caafe ! '  says  they ; 
an'  they  seize  th'  unfortunate  Duclose,  an* 
bate  him  an'  upset  his  kettles  iv  broth. 


THE  FRENCH  CHARACTER  257 

Manetime  where's  Cap  Dhry-fuss?  Off  in 
his  comfortable  cage,  swingin'  on  th'  perch 
an*  atin'  seed  out  iv  a  small  bottle  stuck  in 
th'  wire.  Be  th'  time  th'  mob  has  de- 
sthroyed  what  they  see  on  th'  way,  they've 
f'rgot  th'  Cap  intirely;  an*  he's  safe  f'r 
another  day. 

"'Tis  unforch'nit,  but  'tis  thrue.  Th' 
Fr-rinch  ar-re  not  steady  ayether  in  their 
politics  or  their  morals.  That's  where  they 
get  done  be  th'  hated  British.  Th'  dif- 
f'rence  in  furrin'  policies  is  the  difference 
between  a  second-rate  safe  blower  an'  a  first- 
class  boonco  steerer.  Th'  Fr-rinch  buy  a  ton 
iv  dinnymite,  spind  five  years  in  dhrillin'  a 
hole  through  a  steel  dure,  blow  open  th' 
safe,  lose  a  leg  or  an  ar-rm,  an'  get  away  with 
th'  li'bilities  iv  th'  firm.  Th'  English  dhress 
up  f'r  a  Methodist  preacher,  stick  a  piece  iv 
lead  pipe  in  th'  tails  iv  their  coat  in  case  iv 
emargency,  an'  get  all  th'  money  there  is  in 
th'  line. 

"In  th'  fr-ront  dure  comes  th'  English- 
man with  a  coon  king  on  ayether  ar-rm  that's 


258  MR.  DOOLEY 

jus*  loaned  him  their  kingdoms  on  a  prom's- 
sory  note,  and  discovers  th'  Fr-rinchman 
emargin'  frim  th*  roons  iv  th'  safe.  *  What 
ar-re  ye  doin'  here  ? '  says  th'  Englishman. 
( Robbin'  th'  naygurs,'  says  th'  Fr-rinch- 
man, bein'  thruthful  as  well  as  polite. 
c  Wicked  man,'  says  th'  Englishman. 
c  What  ar-re  ye  doin'  here  ? '  says  the 
Fr-rinchman.  c  Improvin'  the  morals  iv  th' 
inhabitants,'  says  th'  Englishman.  c  Is  it 
not  so,  Rastus  ? '  he  says.  c  It  is,'  says  wan 
iv  th'  kings.  c  I'm  a  poorer  but  a  betther 
man  since  ye  came,'  he  says.  cYes,'  says 
th'  Englishman,  c  I  pro-pose  f 'r  to  thruly 
rayform  this  onhappy  counthry,'  he  says. 
'This  benighted  haythen  on  me  exthreme 
left  has  been  injooced  to  cut  out  a  good  dale 
iv  his  wife's  business,'  he  says,  'an'  go 
through  life  torminted  be  on'y  wan  spouse,' 
he  says.  c  Th'  r-rest  will  go  to  wurruk  f 'r 
me,'  he  says.  c  All  crap  games  bein'  partic- 
ular ongodly'll  be  undher  th'  con-throl  iv 
th'  gover'mint,  which,'  he  says,  cis  me. 
Policy  shops'll  be  r-run  carefully,  an'  I've 


THE  FRENCH  CHARACTER  259 

appinted   Rastus    here  Writer-in-Waitin'  to 
her  Majesty,'  he  says. 

" '  Th'  r-rum  they  dhrink  in  these  par-rts/ 
he  says,  '  is  fearful/  he  says.  '  What  shall 
we  do  to  stop  th'  ac-cursed  thraffic?  Sell 
thim  gin/  says  I.  c  'Tis  shameful  they  shud 
go  out  with  nawthin'  to  hide  their  naked- 
ness,' he  says.  ( I'll  fetch  thim  clothes ; 
but/  he  says,  c  as  th'  weather's  too  warrum 
f'r  clothes,  I'll  not  sell  thim  anny thing 
that'll  last  long/  he  says.  <  If  it  wasn't  f'r 
relligion/  he  says,  CI  don't  know  what  th' 
'ell  th'  wurruld  wud  come  to/  he  says. 
c  Who's  reliigion  ? '  says  th'  Fr-rinchman. 
c  My  relligion/  says  th'  Englishman.  c  These 
pore,  benighted  savidges/  he  says,  c  '11  not 
be  left  to  yer  odjious  morals  an'  yer  hootchy- 
kootchy  school  iv  thought/  he  says,  c  but/ 
he  says,  c  undher  th'  binif 'cint  r-rule  iv  a 
wise  an'  thrue  gover'mint/  he  says,  c  '11  be 
thurly  prepared  f'r  hivin/  he  says,  cwhin 
their  time  comes  to  go/  he  says,  c  which  I 
thrust  will  not  be  long/  he  says.  c  So  I'll 
thank  ye  to  be  off/  he  says,  c  or  I'll  take  th' 
thick  end  iv  the  slung-shot  to  ye/  he  says. 


260  MR.  DOOLEY 

"  Th'  Fr-rinchman  is  a  br-rave  man,  an* 
he'd  stay  an*  have  it  out  on  th'  flure ;  but 
some  wan  calls,  c  A  base  th'  Chinnyman  ! ' 
an*  off  he  goes  on  another  thrack.  An', 
whin  he  gets  to  th'  Chinnymen,  he  finds  th' 
English Ve  abased  thim  already.  An*  so  he 
dances  fr'm  wan  par-rt  th'  wurruld  to  an- 
other like  a  riochous  an'  happy  flea,  an' 
diwle  th'  bit  iv  progress  he  makes,  on'y 
thrubble  f 'r  others  an'  a  merry  life  f 'r  him- 
silf." 

"If  England  wint  to  war  with  France," 
said  Mr.  Hennessy,  suddenly,  "I'd  be  f'r 
France." 

"  So  ye  wud,  Hinnissy.  So  ye  wud," 
said  Mr.  Dooley.  "  An'  I'm  not  sayin' 
that  I  wudden't  f 'aget  that  I'm  an  Anglo- 
Saxon  long  enough  to  take  wan  crack  at  th' 
Prince  iv  Wales  with  a  coupli'  pin  mesilf." 


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